Dots & Slashes

Late Winter (First Quarter), 2003

In the TV world there's "cheers and jeers." In the movie world there's "thumbs up" and "thumbs down." Well, here in cyberspace, there's dots and slashes. What goings-on hit the "dot" right on the mark, and which should be "slashed"? Here are Techtite's thoughts...

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DOT : To an excellent marketing ploy from Nintendo...who waits a little too long for the release of sequels to their favorite games, don't they? So long is the wait for The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, that people may have forgotten all about the prior installment, Ocarina of Time, on the Nintendo 64 some years back. So, what do fans get for their pre-order? A "free" (with $5 shipping) version of Ocarina, now translated in its entirety for The Game Cube! Best of all is a free "mission pack" of extra levels. Talk about whetting our appetites before March 24th.

Slash :  To FOX network, for their incessantly inane "bumping" of 24 every month or so, just to make way for another DULL 2-hours of "American Idol." Are the slack-jawed knuckle dragging hairy-backed bums who love this show so enamored with a British imbecile spitting out singing advice, that they would allow the show to preempt the BEST SERIAL DRAMA CURRENTLY ON THE AIR? I didn't think so. This went from worse to worst as of March 4th, with a cliffhanger whose last shot was a nuclear mushroom cloud. Will this dramatic turn of events be revealed quickly? Nope; not for another three weeks, thanks to the nincompoops who think American Idol deserves a two hour time slot. It doesn't. Accept it.

DOT : ...and thanks for the laugh, from a jury who apparently couldn't keep their eyes on the case...they were too busy looking at the other jurors! To wit: Carmen Electra was sent to jury duty, and unlike other celebs, she actually went. However, she was sent home anyway. Why? She was distracting to the other jurors. Even female jurors were asking her to send surprise phone calls to their boyfriends. The judge finally decided to send her home, so the jurors wouldn't be distracted. Funny.

DOT : To Charlotte Ross; one of the few current members of NYPD Blue willing to go that extra mile. Don't argue: thrills in the now-floundering crime drama are slim (how gratingly easy was it for Clark to get freed from jail after being framed?). However, it was the first 60 seconds of the episode February 25th, that proves this randy TV series has still got it. In a homage to the classic scene from Kramer vs. Kramer, Connie (Ross) goes to take a shower in Andy's apartment, forgetting about his young son, Theo. Let's just say little Theo (and the TV audience) got an eyeful neither of us will soon forget. It was funny, it was eye-catching, and it was the best sign of "life" in the series all season. The rest of the episode was gripping as well, with Clark's father committing suicide. Now, if only other network shows (particularly the recently-aired Kingpin) would be so daring, I'd have no complaints. Until they are so bold, let's hope NYPD Blue stays around for quite a while longer.

Slash :  To ABC pulling a "professor and Mary Ann." Remember how in Gilligan's Island's first season, poor Mary Ann and The Professor were left out of the opening song, only to be summarized as, "...and the rest!"...? Well, in ABC's recent promos for I'm a Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here! they do the same mistakes. Ten celebrities are in this game show, yet how many get mentioned in the magazine print ads? Seven. For the record, here are the snubs: Nikki Schieler Ziering, best known as a Price is Right "Barker's beauty" and Playboy bunny in 1998; Maria Conchita Alonso, who's most recent role was in the recently aired Kingpin on NBC; and Chris Judd, the choreographer for Jennifer Lopez' music videos. Sure, these are not celebrities in the same league as Mel Gibson or Meryl Streep, though let's be fair; did they deserve to be snubbed on a marquee next to Robin Leach and Julie Brown?

Slash :  To George Clooney losing his marbles all across a press party floor. At the Berlin Film Festival, a Turkish journalist described Clooney's latest film, Solaris, as "boring." Personally, I would have used words like "overrated," "cliché," and "WHAT A STUPID ENDING!!!," though that's just me. However, even a simple opinion like "boring" was enough for Clooney to burst into a long winded tirade, which went something like this: "I find you fascinating. You crack me up, man. You just wanted to get up and be a rat, you know that? You just wanted to get up and say something rotten. What a jerk! I mean honestly, you know, what a s**t thing to say! You make a lot of films, do you? You make a lot of films yourself? Yeah, I'd like to see you make a film first before you get to talk about it. What a jerk!" Gee, Clooney, so people who have never made a film cannot give their personal opinion about a film? Okay, fine: the nominations for Oscars just came out February 11. Nominees for Solaris: ZERO. This opinion is by people who make films, okay? Happy? Lower the caffeine intake, dude.

Slash :  To major promotions, in February, for a game that won't be out at all until MAY 15th! You know it; I'm talking about Enter the Matrix, the game that was promoted by Entertainment Weekly's issue the week of February 9th, with additional plugs by Entertainment Tonight, CNN, and on and on. The problem...? Sorry kids, this game won't be out until May, no matter how much these guys claim to be "reviewing" a game that hasn't even gone gold yet. I know promoting a game MONTHS before its actual release is a common affair for the game 'zines; news magazines should know better than that. I think a lot of casual gamers were quite peeved to be greeted at the shopping mall software store with merely a pre-order slip...for MAY. Play fair.

DOT : To a salute to a long-forgotten nursery school celebrity of the 1970's, that is made just for us adults (knock wood) to enjoy. Click here and be taken to "Grover is Bitter," an amusing "Mock-umentary" about the Sesame Street muppet, and his "rise and fall" in the series. Personally, after seeing current episodes with my niece and nephews, I couldn't agree more that poor Grover --my favorite non-Muppet-Show muppet in the 1970's-- has been severely snubbed by the children's series. Rumor and hersay claims this began around the time Julia Roberts guest starred on the children's show and apparently, "loved" Elmo. Now, everything is Elmo, Elmo, Elmo, and oh yeah: ELMO. Not even Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch are seen as much anymore. This "mockumentary" on the matter is just what this Grover fan needed for a good laugh. However, it poses an intriguing question: even if it was that easy for Grover to be replaced by Elmo, shouldn't some muppet have replaced Elmo by now? PLEASE?

Slash :  To directors looking too far ahead. Consider how cool Superman was, back in the 1970's. Everyone wants to see this superhero come back for another go, with numerous stars (including Josh Hartnett and Jude Law) showing interest to take on the role. So, what does the assigned director do...? Why, scare them away, of course, telling all Superman-hopefuls that they would have to sign on as Superman for 10 years, and three total films.  Nobody is going to put that much commitment into one role, from the very beginning, without even knowing if the first film is a success yet. Would Michael Keaton have signed on for the original Batman film, if he was told he'd be doing the same thing for ten years? No way. Talk about ruining a good idea before it's even out the starting gates.

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