Dots & Slashes

Fall/Early Winter, 2003

In the TV world there's "cheers and jeers." In the movie world there's "thumbs up" and "thumbs down." Well, here in cyberspace, there's  (...) dots and (/) slashes. What news bytes hit their mark, and which should be "slashed" ? Here are the latest of them...

Comments? Suggestions? Send a note, and we'll add it to the list!

Slash : To one publicity stunt too much. Okay, so it's nothing new for Disney to use their annual "Christmas Day Parade" as a two-hour commercial for their theme parks and movies. However; what was with placing a float in the parade, to promote their latest "holiday" movie release, The Haunted Mansion...? It was simply ludicrous to see people dressed like zombies and ghosts dancing alongside reindeer and Santa's elves. Whoever came up with this imbecilic idea...no wonder Roy Disney left the company.

Slash : ...though not for what you think. We've all heard by now (if you haven't; good morning!) that Al Sharpton hosted Saturday Night Live on December 6th, in an effort to promote his bid as presidential candidate for 2004. Okey-dokey; if a live comedy show's the way he wants to promote himself, who am I to criticize? However, one must give a serious slash to the show's skits for this episode, and their panning of every single African American in the media, besides Al Sharpton. We had a humorless skit about Michael Jackson (with a white woman playing him, no less), a humorless performance by Al Sharpton as "Johnny Cochran," a skit lampooning Latoya Jackson (man; how deeply buried in mothball storage was this joke?), a joke about singer Chaka Khan (with a man in a fat suit playing her), and of course Tim Meadow's never-laughed-yet performance as "Brian Fellows," a mentally deranged animal watcher (hey; I just call them as I see them), with Sharpton as his also-deranged dad. That isn't even getting into Jimmy Fallon's "joke" during the news skit: "Ground was broken in Fredericksburg, Virginia this week for the National Slavery Museum. For the punch line of this joke, tune in next week when we have a different host." Guys; if the whole idea was to show that an African American can be a presidential candidate if he wants to be, what was with every single skit (if not every other skit) lampooning every African American in the news today? That was pretty dumb...even for Saturday Night Live.

DOT : To the same show, if just to show I haven't lost my sense of humor. We've all heard about Paris Hilton's sex tape scandal, but who would think that in a skit lampooning this scandal, that Paris herself would guest star in a cameo? Jimmy Fallon offered various sly jokes about how there is indeed a Hilton hotel in Paris --a Paris Hilton-- and wondering various puns about its ease of entry, if it accepts double occupancy, and if Paris Hilton is "roomy." Quips Paris, "It might be for you, but most find it very comfortable." Okay, so it was a bit racy, but so is the controversy, and it's nice to see Paris having such a good sense of humor about it. Good for her.

DOT : To bringing back an old friend. Yes, friends, Leisure Suit Larry is going to make a comeback! As of November, 2003, word is out that Sierra is very intrigued at the success of games like Grand Theft Auto, though not because of their violence; instead, they're intrigued at the way it allows for a whole city to explore, with no major load time snags in sight. Good environment to bring back an adventure game hero, eh? Well, while Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude is allegedly going to be a lot more than just a new adventure game (action-adventure...? maybe...), the good news is clear: Larry is coming back! Given how successful his last installment was --way back in 1998!-- it's about time. Welcome back, Larry! However, lest we forget:

DOT : To fans of Al Lowe, who prevented this "Dot" from being a "Slash"; Sierra nearly didn't assign him to the project of Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude, at all! Well, all that has changed, thanks to fans insisting that Al Lowe was the brainchild of Larry Laffer games and without him a sequel would just be a wannabe, period. As of now, negotiations are underway to bring him on board the new project. Let's hope they do more than just make him a "figurehead" in the game's design. He deserved the head the project, period. This "dot' could just as easily lead to a "slash" if negotiations turn sour, though if I was Al Lowe, I'd be very proud to have fans that were so insistent I was in any and all games based on Leisure Suit Larry; his own idea. Good for them.

Slash :  To --let's just say it--- Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. Love them or hate them, I just can't help but feel this is like pairing peanut butter with bubble gum. It's almost as bizarre as Madonna writing a children's book. Speaking of which...

Slash :  To Madonna writing a children's book. I know what some liberals (with some serious illegal substances in their veins) will say; that everyone should be entitled to turn over a new leaf, even a woman whose whole career has been based on who or what she's been sleeping with. If that was her intention, though, why french kiss Britney Spears on stage at an MTV awards show, mere weeks before releasing a children's book?!? The internet jokes as to the possible title ---my favorite guesses being Horton Hears a Ho and Bi-Curious George!--- are well deserved. Why release a children's book just days after proving you're still the same sex-starved publicity hound you always were? Shame on her.

DOT : To a slew of promising new shows this year. Most years it's like finding a needle in a haystack to find a decent new show. This season has everything from Joe Pantoliano in The Handler to Alicia Silverstone in Miss Match to Joan of Arcadia, Jake 2.0, Las Vegas, Skin, The Lyon's Den, The O.C., Tru Calling, and Cole Case, among others. It's looking very good. Even if half of these shows succeed, it's looking better and better for TV these days. 

DOT : To a barely appreciated reality TV show, showing them all how its done. Sure, ABC's "The Family" didn't do too well in the ratings. Sure, the remaining shows were bumped to the summer season, where competition was far more scarce. For those who watched it to the finale, however; what a great ending. Sure, many people were rooting for the underdog of the family, "Cousin Mike," to win it all. Yet the speech the actual winner (Cousin Andrew) gave at the finale was so heartfelt you could actually believe that all the misty eyes in the relatives were real. Even better; he took the million and share it evenly with all 10 of the contestants on the show, with a really nice "family is family" motto to end the series with. This was very humble, considering this meant he only left with 100 grand, not a full million. Still, after total garbage on reality TV for ages and ages, it was nice to see real sportsmanship and fair play prevail once in a while. Bravo.

Slash :  Yes, the ever-dreaded "double slash" reappears --only the 4th time it's ever been given-- for whoever's responsible for the worst programming snafu in all reality TV history. How stupid is it to invite all the evicted people from a show back, at once, for no other reason than so they can act like little children and insult the current gamers, over...and over...and over, endlessly? That was the piece of televised drivel that fans of FOX's Paradise Hotel had to watch, the first week of September. Not only did they invite the perennially yelling Toni and the non-too-bright Beau, Alex, and Kirsten, though they also had to invite Zack, whose desire to seem "street smart" resorted in threats of violence so out of line, they had to disqualify him. Bringing one or two guests back is one thing; bringing them all back at once was a stupid idea. They even brought back the oblivious Andon, who was the first person ever evicted, way back in week one...who obviously, takes out his dismissal on everyone. Asking the week-one-guy to come back is like asking that ukulele-lady to come back on the very first season of Survivor. Yet I'd gladly hear her play her little ukulele tune again as opposed to a bunch of jock wannabes asking for bread to share with their whine. Get a clue, people. That applies to these l-o-s-e-r-s, and quite frankly, the entire programming department at FOX. You ruined Labor Day thanks to this piece of crybaby monotony on the airwaves. Thanks for nothing.

DOT : To a politician with a sense of humor. I know people are all over the map about Arnold Schwarzenegger's decision to run as Governor of California. However, for all of people's expectations of the man, he's surprised them all. Some would think that his muscles would mean he wasn't very bright, or that he was quick towards violence. Neither was the case on September 3rd, when one spectator wanted to dramatically "throw egg on his face"...literally. However, instead of harassing the man or being ushered to safety like a frightened deer, Arnold simply wiped the egg off his suit coat as he said, "That man owes me bacon." Who knew that Arnold could come up with the snappy retorts, without the help of a movie script...or even a speech writer?

Slash :  To the Summer season, which had too few "Dots" and far too many Slashes for its own good. Last season had more "No" slash symbols than a no smoking section of Denny's. Hopefully, Hollywood will offer more positive media blurbs in the fall. Cross your fingers.

----------------------------------

Agree? Disagree? Send comments to Techtite Letters.