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Fall/Early Winter, 2007
Want Something
Praised or, well..."slashed"...? Send a note, and
we'll add it to the list!
 Slash : To
the Golden Globes, for not nominating Disney's Enchanted as one
of the Best Musical/Comedies of the year. Okay; so Oscar gets a free
pass, since Best Picture in Academy Award terms means best overall
picture, and very rarely does comedy or musical trump out drama or epic.
Yet the Globes have this neat way of dividing best drama from best
musical. So what do they do? They snatch defeat from the jaws of
victory; that's what! Disney's Enchanted was more than the best
comedy of the year, or the best musical; it was both. There's only one
word for anyone who disagrees: wrong. To have not even
nominated the best musical/comedy of the year is a travesty only
explained in one way: they never saw the movie. Not to be one of those
guys who uses Rotten Tomatoes to win yet another "the movie was
bad/good" argument, though come on:
93%
of all professional critics can't be wrong!
 DOT
: To some
of the finest holiday gifts, for fans of various TV
series. Fans of various
cable series got special holiday episodes, weeks before their planned
fourth-season premieres in 2008. The Closer offered a new two-hour
episode, while Monk and Psych offered new holiday-themed episodes as
well. Meanwhile, fans of the FOX crime drama Bones got to have
their cake and eat it too, in the form of Bones (Emily
Deschanel) and Booth (David Boreanaz)
sharing a kiss under the mistletoe...without losing the credibility of
the story. The idea is that Bones and Booth are "just friends" even
though there's some serious chemistry between them. We all know that as
soon as they hooked up, the episode would have "series finale"
written all over it...unless, for example, they were tricked into
kissing each other. Bones needs a favor from a judge, and what does the
hopelessly romantic judge want in return, but to have Bones and Booth
kiss under the mistletoe. This is the sort of holiday episode fans want,
regardless of the dark-spirited crime involved. Whose murder is being
investigated? Of course: Santa Claus...though not the "real one," so
rest easy tonight, kids!
Slash : To,
conversely, a brutal insult to fans, in the form of CSI's final two-part
story arc of the year.
The sales pitch: an episode directed by William Friedkin, who directed
To Live and Die in L.A....arguably, the movie which made series
lead William Petersen a star. Yet the first time you heard this
"unforgettable" episode would not air until after
sweeps, we all should've guessed how flawed it was. As well "directed"
as it was poorly scripted, one might ask if writer
Dustin Lee Abraham had ever watched a single episode of the series (FYI:
he has...though it doesn't show, does it?). The story had you
believe that Warrick (Gary Dourdan) ---after eight years, and hundreds
of cases solved--- was suddenly a mental case, screwing up a murder
investigation to the point of seemingly looking like one of the main
suspects. To make matters worse: Grissom (Petersen) treats Warrick like
this was their first case together, and why not, when Warrick acts like
this was the first murder case he ever tried to solve! Seeing Warrick
as the "Gilligan" of the CSI island was painful to watch. If this
was meant as a "holiday gift"; may we have the gift receipt?
DOT
: To Julianne Hough,
for adding such an enjoyable breath of fresh air to the
recently-completed fifth season of ABC's Dancing With the Stars. Though she
is the professional dancer and not the "celebrity" in her duet (her
designated celebrity partner was two-time Indy 500 champion Helio
Castroneves), we see big things in Julianne's future. It's saying
something for Julianne, as a professional, that she was able to take
Helio straight to the finals, even though Helio had not a single
professional dance lesson prior to this season. Yet it's Julianne's
exuberant attitude and obvious love of dancing, which made every moment with
Julianne and Helio shine. All I can say is: if any musical/comedy is
casting right now, let us give you some casting advice: hire Julianne
today.
Slash : To
the upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice, for rewarding the
series' most bitchy non-celeb
a spot in the celebrity circle. Okay; so maybe first season reality TV
alums become quasi "Celebrities" in some way, like Richard Hatch or
Amazing Race's "Team Guido." Yet Omarosa was so reviled by her first
season cohorts; they actually played a few bars of "Hallelujah" when
showing the teaser for the first episode, after she left. So now they're
planning a "Celebrity" edition of The Apprentice, and among the
celebrities who signed on are: rocker Gene Simmons, supermodel Carol
Alt, actor Stephen Baldwin, Olympian Nadia Comaneci, The Sopranos'
Vincent Pastore, and...Omarosa? There's no gentle way to say this except
in acronym form: Seriously, The Donald, WTF? Is the message here that if
you act like the biggest jackass that The Apprentice has ever
endured, you earn a celebrity seat? Curious.
DOT
: To a brilliant
crossover that should've happened years ago. One of the big November
sweeps episodes for CSI and Without a Trace will be a crossover, with
the characters of each show coming onto the other. How cool will
Thursday, November 8th be, with two hours of TV as cool as this? CSI will end with
the crime solved, albeit with someone still missing. Who
should solve the case, but the gang of Without a Trace, whose
series airs immediately afterwards? That's the sort of November
sweeps idea that we should see more of.
Slash : To
networks not informing viewers that their shows run overtime. It's commonplace these days for some shows to pull a little "trick"
to get you
to stay for the following show; extending a more
popular show to one or two minutes, and then quickly "jump" to the show
afterwards. They problem: the networks are not informing Tivo/etc. that this is what they're going to do. So you're left with a
whole bunch of recorded shows with no endings to them. Way to make your
shows "popular," guys. Now we not only ignore your less
popular shows; the shows we wanted to record don't have the endings to
the show on them! Enough with the cheap tricks. If we don't watch your
9:00 show, it's because we don't want to. We do want to see the endings
of the 8:00 shows, though. If we can't...well, we'll just have to tune
into a different show, won't we?
Slash : To
that stupid trick entertainment news programs do whenever promoting a
new movie, paparazzi-style. Oh! Hilary Duff looks like she nearly
drowned! More on this shocking news story later! Then later: tee-hee!
It's all for her upcoming movie! Psych! They've been doing this all
year; enough. One celebrity is apparently
hurt. Another is "suddenly" pregnant. There are really cute ways to
promote a movie, guys. This isn't one of them.
DOT
: To one of the more
fascinating Survivor seasons in years. Survivor China is not
just another rubber-stamp beach in the middle of nowhere; it's a
location that's as hard to survive in as it is totally fascinating. Best
of all: it appears that CBS didn't want to cause World War 3, so all the
contestants this season seem like decent, fun loving folk, and not the
next Johnny Fairplay...or "Evel" Dick! Speaking of whom:
Slash : To
the worst Big Brother of all time.
Yes we're talking about "Evel" [sic] Dick, and his spoiled daughter
Danielle, who together
demoralized, dehumanized, and all out degraded not just their
"opponents" this season, but the
whole game itself. There's nobody above the mentality of a 12 year old
that was actually rooting for the farting/belching/spitting mysoginist,
Dick, who in
horrifying unfairness, actually won half a million dollars for...what?
Well; for one, he intentionally burned one female house guest with his lit
cigarette. What is this: Big Brother: Trailer Park Edition? To
kick and punch the "fun" of reality TV even further: he
joked about how he'd like to rape a
female house guest until she bled to death. Yet through it all; he won
the game. Shame on you, CBS. Now do the
moral, ethical, and outright intelligent decision...and cancel this
stupid series.
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