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Summer 2005
Want Something
Praised...or "Slashed"? Send a note, and
we'll add it to the list!
Slash : To Disney World's Star Tours ride, for making
the definitive souveneir into an eBay-fodder "collectible."
Every area of the park has Mickey Mouse in costumes related to the park,
right? So what does Disney do to commemorate the final (?) Star Wars
movie, Revenge of the Sith, but make a Mickey Mouse plush, dressed as both
a "Jedi" and a "Sith." The bad news: someone felt this
would only sell during May, so it was made only in limited supply. As you'd expect; they sold immediately. As you may have also expected;
they sold immediately because all those eBay packrat dimtwits
wanted to make a quick buck, and that means they bought bushels of them
for resale (!). So basically; if you want one, you have
to buy it online from someone whose reputation is already pretty shaky,
and what's more; you have to buy it at around three times the original
cost. But
that's beside the point. The point is that I just went to Disney World
hearing about these cool Jedi Mickeys, and not only is there not a single
"jedi" in the store at all, but instead, there are barrels after
barrels of Ewoks. I'm sorry; but that's just so not right!!! If
anything; the reverse should be true. Let the fanatics go buy a "limited edition"
Ewok. Give all of us regular Star Tours/Star Wars/Mickey Mouse/Disney World fans the souvenir
every child wants. Make it so.
 DOT
: To a theme song change long overdue. Among the
changes of Big Brother 6 is a totally revamped theme song that finally
fits the dark yet entertaining nature of this reality TV series. More
often a show would begin with a recap that included arguments and fights
galore, only to lead to an opening theme song that to be perfectly candid
could've easily been used for Mister Roger's Neighborhood. The new
theme changes all that with electric guitar mixes and deeper tones that
illustrate the backstabbing and deception and social politics within every
Big Brother season. Finally; the opening of the show befits the
show...and we mean this in a good way. Honest.
Slash : ...to Burger King's incessantly irritating
"geeks in an office" ad campaign. The idea seems to be pitched
at the white collar office personnel who'd be most likely (?) to buy
Burger King for lunch. Yet the idiotic characters they use for this ad
campaign are too imbecilic to follow their lead. Would you want to eat at
the same fast food place these guys eat at? The apparent boss/supervisor
rants like a lunatic. The supposed "sexy" girl the office geeks
pine for --sorry, lady!-- simply isn't that sexy. Then there's the
super-geek of office geeks, who in the latest annoyingly dimwitted ad, is
trying to offer a French fry to a cardboard cutout of Jessica Alba. This
is just too painful to watch. Is it easier to simply tell the top brass at
Burger King that I just got a Big Mac at McDonald's? It's true. End this
"geeks in the office" ad campaign for good.
Slash : ...to an actor not willing to keep his pants
on for at least one stupid movie...and it's a remake
of a television show!!! Onlookers were curious why the planned rating for
the film Bewitched was PG-13, with the reasons including "brief
nudity." Huh?!? Yeah, well...apparently Will Ferrell takes his pants
off again, for another "oh gosh I'm buck naked in this scene"
laugh. Will...buddy...dude? If you have to constantly be buck naked in
your comedies to make people laugh, that's not good. I don't care if this
film is called a remake or a "re-imagining" or a
"re-inventing" of Bewitched. If you reduce a 1960's sitcom
classic to PG-13 shock value tripe, it's garbage. Nudity in Bewitched...?
Horrors!
DOT
: To a fall season with a lot of promise, if just
because of all the big names thrown around. Allyson Hannigan --always the
bridesmaid of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but never the bride--
finally gets to be in a lead role this fall, in CBS' How I Met Your
Mother. Laura San Giacomo returns to TV for the first time since Just
Shoot Me, for a new WB series called Related. Even Heather
Graham joins the fray of TV show wars, in a new ABC series called Emily's
Reasons "Why Not." This is a cursory list, to be sure, but
with all the big names, both in returning actors and in newcomers, this
fall season is sure to succeed, right? Right...?
Slash : ...to MTV deciding to reduce their MTV Movie
Awards into a mere commercial for their MTV films this year. Napoleon
Dynamite and Mean Girls were both assisted to the big screen by
MTV. So what should win the major awards but these two films...and very
goofily, I may add. Say what you will about Dynamite but it was not
"dynamite" enough to be called Best Movie of the year by any
standard. As for Mean Girls; come on, now. Lindsay Lohan Best
Actress...for Mean Girls? Mean Girls as the best ensemble cast? For years
MTV has tried to make their award show look like more than just a
commercial for bubble-gum flicks. It would seem we're back at square one.
Slash : ...That having been said, I would have to add
another "slash" towards the MTV Movie Awards' opening skit this
year. Each year the show begins with a parody of a major film currently in
theaters. So, what movie do they choose but Batman Begins, which as of the
time the award show aired, had not even been released yet. What imbecile
thought that the best parody was not the slam-dunk, "duh,"
have-you-been-paying- attention choice, Revenge of the Sith...? Love of
hate that film; that was the parody to have this
year. What a disappointment this show was.
DOT
: Here's one "big thumbs up" dot for an
intended series finale that does it all right...and wouldn't you know it,
it's a cartoon. Yes, fans; of course we're talking about the final TV movie for Kim Possible, "So The Drama,"
which lives up to its namesake as one of the most emotional episode of the
series ever made, yet ends the series on a very high note that should
please all fans. The teenage Kim Possible, now a high school senior, deals
with the typical senior prom angst until longtime boy-who's-a-friend Ron
and she finally admit their true feelings for one another. Though there should possibly be a small Slash here
over the decision by Disney Channel's top brass to cancel the series at
all, the animators,
voice actors and in particularly the writers could not have come up with a
better send-off episode. Making the TV movie even more fun is what is
perhaps the most brilliantly imaginative take-over-the-world plot by the
evil Dr. Draken, which is so amusing you'd swear many a spy-movie writer
wished they'd thought of it first. The
episode ends as Kim and Ron dance at the prom, sharing their first true
kiss. This episode was not just cute as cartoons go. It's quite frankly the best
series finale that I've seen on TV for years. Brilliant!
Slash : ...to the ESRB's rating of the awesome PSP
game, Lumines, with a "10+" age warning. Yes, you saw the back
of the box correctly; this is a puzzle game, in the same spirit as Tetris,
with the only major visuals being a bunch of falling blocks which must be
arranged in cubes to complete a puzzle. So why on Earth did ESRB's ratings
scheme give it a "Suggestive Themes" warning? Well, see;
apparently some puritan Amish type is hot and bothered over the background
music, including such "harmful to kids" (cough, cough) lyrics as
"Shake your body to the ground" and "I feel the music down
in my soul." This, when the ESRB could see a whole slew of people
disemboweled in a video game and still give it an "M for mature"
rating at worst. What has happened to these so-called "ratings"
systems for most video games?
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