Techtite Feature Article!

The Top 10 Ways to 

TOTALLY SCREW UP 

a Good Movie

Although I initially titled this "The Top 10 Biggest Mistakes Made In Film," I saw one too many movies recently that could've been good, yet weren't because of these big blunders. Hence the more blunt (and honest) title change...

However, I digress. In many Techtite movie reviews, you'll often see me gripe about flaws that occur so many times, I wonder if Hollywood will ever get the message. Want to know the surest way to a thumbs-down from any critic? Here are the flaws I see most commonly done over and over : 

1) The Scarlet Pumpernickel finale. This nickname for The Worst Possible Film Finale Ever Used is taken from a classic Daffy Duck cartoon, where Daffy is trying to sell his dramatic script idea to the head of Warner Bros. The problem...? Good ol' Daffy wrote the beginning and the middle, yet not the finale; he never thought ahead that far! By the time he reaches the last page of the script, his boss is still asking for more...so Daffy quickly ad-libs an ending : the dam broke, the volcano erupted, the king's army was defeated, the hero is killed, yada yada yada. This is the type of tacked-on-ending feeling I get whenever I see a film with a truly innocuous, inept ending. It's as though many movies have no last page of the script, yet think they'll "know a good ending when the time comes to film it." Then they slop together an ending in 5 minutes, on the last day of filming. That's the only possible scenario I can think of to excuse such poorly written, tacked-on movie endings. Such Scarlet Pumpernickel finales, to me, are the biggest mistake in modern film.

2) Mistaking a Plot Collapse for a "plot twist." Don't think that every twist and turn made in a script will impress the spirit of Hitchcock. There's a lot more to Citizen Cane's "Rosebud" plot twist than meets the eye. What makes this plot twist a classic is that nobody saw it coming, and yet it's still quite possible; the one-two punch of the effective plot twist. Recently, insipid scripts presume that a "surprise" plot twist means to abandon the main story! "Whoh, what if we have the protagonist in the picture die a horrible death! Quite a plot twist, eh?" NOPE.

3) Making the good guy a bad guy. No, sorry, making a villain out of the protagonist is not a witty, cool idea; it's a way to make the audience lose interest in the one character that is keeping them interested in the entire movie. Try again.

4) Making the "hero" lose. Is there any goofus doofus, in all of movie theater patron history, that actually, positively, wants the main character of the film, to lose? No, sorry, I don't think so. Sure, The Bad News Bears "lost," and yet they won their own self respect, so the ending was hardly unhappy. Even if said hero is a rogue, the audience is rooting for him. This is true in every film, from the bumbling crooks of Disorganized Crime, to Steve McQueen and Ali MacGraw's characters in The Getaway. As for Titanic, one might wonder how much girls would love the film, if Rose never made it off the boat. We don't want to see the hero lose, no matter what way-cool "artistic message" you are thinking of portraying. After all, how artistic is it to release a movie that makes less box office than its budget? Consider that, before making this common blunder.

5) Technobabble. People don't go to movies for a free Physics 101 class. If the movie is taking more time explaining a plot than making it happen, then that plot is flawed. Such events should either be easy to explain in 30 seconds of screen time (think Obi Wan, in the first Star Wars : "The Force...? Well It's the Life-force, that surrounds all living things..."), or be visually apparent (Vader choking a man with merely a closed fist). If you're going on and on about irrelevant technicalities (The Phantom Menace's endless banter about microscopic "Midichlorians," in particular), then your script most likely needs a rewrite!

6) "Hire him! He's My Buddy!"..."Hire HER, she's my girlfriend!" It takes a very talented performer to be able to work professionally with their friend/lover/spouse, without goofing off. A more common scenario is when a celebrity demands their friend(s) are put in their film, and said friend-of-celebrity, to be blunt, STINKS as an actor. However, what's even worse for a film is when the lead star demands that their lover/spouse is placed in the film as their romantic lead...only to break up in the middle of filming, piffling away any chance at a believable romance in the picture! Here's a nickel's worth of free advice: If any actor threatens to "walk" unless you hire their friend --or their lover-- let them.

7) If your acting talent demands a body double --stunt, nude, or otherwise-- they probably suck. Don't argue. Sharon Stone gave Basic Instinct her all; the result was super stardom, for an actress who wasn't afraid of anything. Likewise for Holly Hunter in The Piano, Meryl Streep in Silkwood, and on and on . Even under appreciated roles, like Amanda Peet in The Whole Nine Yards, make the whole film worthwhile, with the actress' "anything for the role" attitude. Don't think I'm being sexist here; before Mel Gibson was in Lethal Weapon, did most ladies even know who he was? Willing to act a part doesn't just mean willing to receive the paycheck; it means willing to play the role --the whole role-- and whatever that role requires. Reservations --even for a nude scene-- lead to a domino effect. As soon as they begin to say, "Oh, I don't know about this scene," the casting director should say, "Oh, I don't know about you in this role...sorry."

8) Force-Fed Political Correctness. Even the most liberal of messages made in films, are often far less effective than hoped. Why? Make sure that such messages are relevant to the film, and not a plot tangent forced into a totally irrelevant storyline (or setting). A few movies even dragged "socal messages" into a laughable script, making the message little more than a slap in the face (Porky's 2, anyone?). If you have something to say, make sure you say it right, or just say it to your friends during lunch.

9) Forcing a "big name star" into a role that is not for them. Big name stars do NOT lead to big box office cash, unless they're right for the part! Jim Carrey as a psychotic in Cable Guy? Demi Moore as a soldier in GI Jane? When casting, cast correctly.

10) Think before you "clone"! When a unique movie concept does well, make sure you know why, or all re-tread "clones" will fail. This goes double for re-makes of older movies. No sooner did some bigwig wax nostalgic about Freaky Friday, then the theaters were barraged with clones. Yes, Big was a nice film, and yet Vice Versa and Like Father Like Son were not. Similarly, how many clones of Dustin Hoffman's performance in Rain Man will we receive, before people realize how tough the role actually was? Jodie Foster, Juliette Lewis, and Elisabeth Shue all attempted similar roles, in Nell, The Other Sister, and Molly, respectively. None were successful.