Call me a Trekkie, but even at its worst, the original Star Trek series was the best. Long before technology had even dreamed of cellular telephones, handheld lasers, computer "disks," and flatscreen TVs, there was Captain James T. Kirk with all the above, in one form or another. The resulting episodes were a brilliant peek into a tech-savvy future. Of course, it helped that the stories were spectacular as well; writers like D.C. Fontana, David Gerrold, and of course Gene Roddenberry, all became a part of sci-fi legend.

However, while I'm still a fan of whatever new Trek lore they can throw at me, there's no denying that Enterprise is beginning to lose most of its Trekkie clientele. As many critics say, Enterprise is hardly the worst Star Trek. However, as the same critics say: it's not exactly the best.

That said, one might ask what "tweaks" to Enterprise could be done to make it more comparable to classic Star Trek. Here are a dozen ideas:

For starters: This series is presented in color!...right? Let me guess: this is the crew that first suggested alternate colors for each crewman type, and a more colorful ship. Right...? They'd better be; this is the most "beige" starship ever conceived for a Trek series. That goes double for their dark blue uniforms, which are about as eye-grabbing as white socks. Why so formal...? With few people to answer to at all, Starfleet should be thankful the crew wears pants. Speaking of which: how COOL would Hoshi and T'pol look in 1960's style mini-skirts? However, first things first; make this ship less "beige." Okay?

Remember: this is an action series, not a tea party. It's okay to find the "peaceful solution" from time to time. However, keep in mind Kirk was never beyond kicking butt if that meant that a planet (if not the universe) was saved. It's not like Kirk was supposed to look at all those little brain creatures in Operation Annihilate and say, "Aw, give them a break; all they want to do is latch onto our spine so we can feel pain and torment!" While it's okay to look at the best in all people, remember: sometimes To Serve Man is a cookbook! Captain Archer needs to kick more butt, and yammer on a lot less. Otherwise, as many people say; this series might as well be on Lifetime.

If T'Pol is supposed to be sexy, she needs to ditch the "Spock hair." SHE'S A WOMAN, GUYS!!! Vulcans are hardly an androgynous race; where'd Enterprise get that idea? Consider the first series' best sign of this --Amok Time-- when both the eldest (T'pau) and youngest (T'pring) Vulcan females were with long hair. Actress Jolene Blalock is a beautiful woman with long hair. It's inane to take that beauty from her, with that stupid wig she wears. Lose it.

Let's meet more of the crew, as the episodes require it. It's alleged that the number of people aboard Enterprise is 83: let's see some! In the original series, this enhanced some nice stories; in Next Generation, this led to great guest spots, including everyone from Teri Hatcher to Ashley Judd. Meanwhile, although we all think the ploy that the "red shirt crewman always dies on an away mission" is cliché, how less dangerous do away missions look without them...? One amusing idea; invite a guest like Bruce "Die Hard" Willis and then have his character get atomized 20 minutes into the episode. How dangerous would that mission look...?

Have at least one alien per season, that's totally freaky. Remember when the Catspaw "witches" turned out to be two little furry alien bugs? Remember those flying brain cells in Operation Annihilate? Remember the "rock monster" in The Devil in the Dark? Remember the alien with suction cups on its fingers, to drain all salt from another human being? Well, these were all aliens conceived by a group with barely any FX money to speak of...yet they made creatures far more ingenious than anyone is making now, with million dollar CGI at their command. Enough with the humans with funny noses; bring on the alien aliens!

Ex-nay the opening theme song. It's a cute song, yes, though it sets viewers in the totally wrong mood. The whiney message seems to be, "you held me back you jerks though nyah nyah it's my time to have faith I can do it la la la la..." William Shatner may be teased a lot for his acting style, though his 1960's "Space, the final frontier..." opening monologue is the part of sci-fi TV legend. These words held no less weight when Patrick Stewart recited them again, in The Next Generation. Scott Bacula deserves the honor as well, without the "we just gotta have faith he can do it!" song in its place.

Enough with the "Vulcans are our friends yet not really" balderdash. This is a stupid, inane concept of Starfleet "history" that, even to the most casual of Trekkies, makes absolutely no sense. The Vulcans have no emotion, yet they're prejudiced against humans exploring outer space alongside them...? The Vulcans have no feelings of anger, yet seem to despise us? This is a stupid subplot, every time it's introduced. What's worse: it's illogical. Have Captain Archer save Vulcans big time from some catastrophe of some sort, then nix this Vulcans-hate-us rubbish. There's no Trekkie around who buys this "Vulcans were once our enemies" nonsense. Time to let it GO.

Keep in mind that the less "Trek" in a series --no matter how cliché-- the less it's a Trek series at all. I know people are all against Trek clichés --The Vulcan Neck Pinch, The Transporter going haywire, The Red Shirt being the one that dies; to name just three-- though keep in mind that without any such parts of Trek lore, the less it's a Trek series at all! Consider: it's very cliché to have a car chase in an action movie. However, what is the solution? ...to not have cars in the movie at all? That's silly. T'Pol should give someone a Vulcan Neck Pinch at least three times every season. She should also engage in the Vulcan Mind Meld...after all, she's already got the "disease" that results from it, so what's the harm? Furthermore; is the transporter ever going to be used? I'm just sayin'...

Make it ominous once in a while. Have enemies that would be major challenges not just for a 21st-century archer, though Captain Kirk, Picard, Sisko, and Janeway as well. As much as I could have done with less "Q" in The Next Generation it would be amusing if a powerful force like that locked horns with Enterprise once in a while. Of course, Archer would kick their butts in the end. After all, the bigger they are the harder they fall...and the cooler the episode, when they do.

If this is a temporal war, bring on the guest stars from earlier/"later" series! The whole ongoing theme of Enterprise, from what I gather, is that there is some sort of "war across time" going on in the 29th century, trying to wreck havoc on the past.. It was ingenious to imagine that their most heavy time period for such a battle, would be during Earth's most pivotal first years in deep space. However, why not go even further? Have temporal rifts that bring in Kirk, Spock, Picard, Riker, or whomever would be willing for a guest stint. A time warp motif leaves the door wide open for guests from prior series. Take advantage of this.

Sometimes, the "prime directive" should just take a HIKE. Regardless of not being sworn to The Prime Directive --to not affect a planet's outcome if they are a pre-warp civilization-- Archer falls prey to it at every turn. This, again, is why I really liked Kirk; if he was up against some stupid cocky computer named "Landrew," he didn't debate whether or not the planet actually enjoyed being slaves to some over-glorified Windows PC; he did something about it! If people think this is jumping to conclusions...not really. Sometimes, when it looks like a civilization is totally screwed up, that's probably because it IS. Archer should see this more than anyone. Boldly go where no man has gone before, then make what you find there a better place. All this "oh gee this place is in dire straights though we're just visiting anyway" rubbish is getting old. It's time Archer --much like Scott Bacula's Quantum Leap motto-- changed history for the better. Make it so.

...and the final advice, if all else fails:

To be used as a Last Resort: As the Wierd Al Yankovic song goes, "Dare to be Stupid." As goofy as some classic Trek episodes were, they were also hilarious fun. The Trouble with Tribbles was a total laugh riot, though that doesn't keep it from being among the best episodes of classic Trek lore. At least one episode every season should be comical; to give the cast a lighthearted release, and us as well. Show us the funny, and maybe we'll be laughing too hard to forget all the above gripes haven't been met yet. Maybe.

---Techtite