Techtite Feature Article!

"NBC needs to realize that among all the things that makes Friends so fun; bed-hopping isn't one of them. If this 'Friends 2.0' formula allows these couples to remain couples, then you have a hit."

---from the article

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"Unlucky 7"...? Some shows barely didn't make the "unlucky" cut. They're good concepts, though they are just barely "lucky" enough to stay on the bubble long enough for the coveted second-season renewal notice. A good example of this: Jake 2.0. It looks like a promising modernized retelling of The Six Million Dollar Man, and I'm all for that, BUT, it's on the WB: the place where all action shows are on the bubble, right from the premiere. People tune into WB for Dawson's Creek and Felicity, not action and adventure (sorry, fans of Dawson and Felicity; you know what I'm talking about). Sure, there's Angel, though that's been on the bubble for two seasons by now. I rest my case.

The seven shows here are just plain "unlucky" in some way, long before their premiere is aired on television. As I said; it's nothing personal. I just feel these shows could've been a hundred times luckier, if given a bit more care and consideration ...and maybe some extra spit and polish, from the shows' creators itself. If the producers didn't want to take the time to give their show such polish, why should we take the time to watch them?

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Feel free to contribute. As always, review submissions are accepted!

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Last season was a train wreck of Twilight Zone proportions. Only in such a Zone would even the most critically accepted shows fail so miserably, only to have the sub-moronic idiocy survive. However, there are times when an ill-fated show can be seen from a month away. Those would be the "unlucky 7"; seven new series that have all the warning signs of being doomed before they even air. If they sound good to you, well; keep those episode tapes in a cool, dry place! Read on; you'll see what I mean:

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The Brotherhood of Poland, NH (CBS, Wednesday, 10 pm/ET).  What's it about? Starting this list with the most "anticipated" series (or so they tell us): Randy Quaid stars as Hank, who lives with his two brothers, and their families, in Poland, NH. This is one of those "chick show" formulas where even though one brother is the town mayor and Hank is Police Captain, they are portrayed as a trio of chubby nitwits, while their wives are all svelte, bright geniuses. What I'm not buying: ...that David E. Kelley is so burned out, this is the best he can give us these days. What's worse: The casting dept. couldn't resist spiking the ball. Note that all the women cast for this series are veteran dramatic actresses --including Mare Winningham and Elizabeth McGovern-- while the men are all veteran comedians, like Quaid. I've heard of "Leave the drama for yo' mama," but this is ridiculous. It might succeed, IF: At least one woman was allowed to be chubby, while one man was allowed to have a brain cell in his head.

Whoopi (NBC, Tuesday, 8 pm/ET). What's it about? Whoopi has a new sitcom. She's Mavis Rae, a faded singer, who's decided to reopen her hotel's lounge. Helping her is her black brother, his white girlfriend, and her Arabian handyman, Nasim. What I'm not buying: ...That retroactively racist slurs can be made funny. See, Mavis' brother is black, and his girlfriend is white, so in order to fit in, she talks like a black "sistah." Gee. Funny. What's worse: Nasim makes jokes about terrorism, militias, and his country's methods of torture that are intended as the "jokes"...? Oh, I get it: this series has no jokes.  It might succeed, IF: Let's be blunt: Whoopi shouldn't play a faded singer, though rather a faded comic, with Comic Relief --and even Hollywood Squares--long behind her. Instead of singing...why not standup? Whoopi should end each show with a short standup routine, a la Seinfeld. That's a good sitcom concept for a "comeback." This one...not so much.

Happy Family (NBC, Tuesday, 8:30 pm/ET). What's it about? John Larroquette and Christine Baranski are parents to three oddball children. The youngest son has left home to move in with the middle-aged neighbor next door; the daughter is that girl from the Glad trash bag commercials; the eldest son is cheating on his fiancée. Are you laughing, yet? What I'm not buying: This can't be said strongly enough: I love Larroquette and Baranski. I just don't think this sitcom will fly. What's worse: Its lead-in is Whoopi. It might succeed, IF: TV viewers may yet find some bizarre enjoyment from the absurdity of it all. At the very least, it is the oddest batch of characters to come down the sitcom turnpike in years. It could work. Kinda.

Coupling (NBC, Thursday, 9:30 pm/ET). What's it about? This is a hard sitcom to summarize, so let's let a blurb from the official website tell it: "Steve's with Jane but he's suddenly hot for Susan who met Steve through Jeff whom Susan used to go out with though she's just dumped Patrick so he's asked Sally out which bugs Susan since Sally is her best friend." Ooookayyy... What I'm not buying: ...That this Friends rip-off can be a Sex and the City rip-off at the same time, with what promos insist to be "eye-popping situations" and "jaw-dropping one-liners." Offered examples are not really that jaw-dropping, unless you manage to smirk at the line, "I'm not completely shaved...er, I mean, shallow." What's worse: The chosen cast is cute. Too cute. The thing that makes Friends so cool is the way Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica resemble your best friends from high school. This cast seems too polished, like a bad modern afternoon soap opera. It might succeed, IF: NBC needs to realize that among all the things that makes Friends so fun; bed-hopping isn't one of them. If this "Friends 2.0" formula allows these couples to remain couples, then you have a hit.

Threat Matrix (ABC, Thursday, 8 pm/ET). What's it about? This is the entrant on the list that is the most painful. I saw the premiere, I liked it, and yet based on ABC's Thursday-at-8 track record (more on that later), I must accept the fact that this series will not survive. This is the story of John Kilmer (James Denton), who heads a highly specialized team against the threat of terrorism. However, this is not a strike force as much as a team to track down terrorists before the fact; a team meant for defense, not offense. What's more, the show has a nice "CSI" feel to it, with very scientific detective work to track down each criminal. Yes, this does sound like a good series. However... What I'm not buying: I can't say this strongly enough: This is indeed a promising series...yet gets on the "unlucky 7" list because it is unluckily on ABC: the folks who put dramas at dreadful time slots, and sitcom crap-o-ramas in the best time slots. Last year, both Push Nevada and Dinotopia fell prey to the same time slot of this series --Thursday at 8-- with no compassion for fans that grew, regardless of the heavy competition there (Friends and Survivor).  What's worse: Not only is this show opposite Friends and Survivor; it's up against Eliza Dushku's new show, Tru Calling. If it survives, call Joan of Arcadia now, because it's a miracle! It might succeed, IF: ABC should put this show Friday at 8 (the same time slot that made The X-Files a smash hit), and put their Friday night crap-o- rama on Thursdays. Problem solved.

Karen Sisco (ABC, Wednesday, 10 pm/ET). What's it about? Based on the character that Jennifer Lopez portrayed in Out of Sight, Carla Gugino stars in the title role, as a United States Marshal on Miami's Gold Coast.  What I'm not buying: It made some sense, in the film, that a no-nonsense latina like Lopez could "defeat an opponent twice her size" if properly trained. I just don't get that vibe from Carla Gugino. Unless she's The Bionic Woman. I have enough time accepting the way-too-thin Jennifer Garner as an "unstoppable" super-spy without accepting another svelte female as a super-cop. What's worse: If both this and Threat Matrix fail, it will give ABC an excuse to give even more time slots to crappy ABC sitcoms. Ugh. It might succeed, IF: Forget the "specially trained operative...can beat up a man twice her size" rubbish. Just have her be an everyday female marshal who is just trying to do her job.

It's All Relative (ABC, Wednesday, 8:30 pm/ET). What's it about? This is a piece lowest-of-the-low ABC sitcom drivel which attempts so hard to be P.C. it's actually quite racist. Bobby is an Irish bartender who falls in love with Liz, whose adoptive parents are two gay men. Supposedly, we're to believe that Bobby's parents "obviously" have a problem with Liz's family because they're Irish. Gee, what a wonderful, politically correct show this is. What I'm not buying: Just what I always wanted: another show which paints the Irish as the hub of all homophobic angst in the universe. As if that didn't spike the ball enough: Bobby's sister is a pyromaniac. What's worse: With all of the show's flak about prejudice and bias, you'd think they'd give Irishman Bobby a less racist occupation than "bartender." What; are we to believe all Italians own pizzerias, all Chinese eat with chopsticks, and Mexicans eat only tacos? Shut up. It might succeed, IF: Actually, it won't. I'm surprised this racist tirade was given the green light at all. That's enough for the latest TV gar-bahge; I'm outta here...

---Techtite

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Too depressing...? Don't worry. It isn't all bad: Top 10 Most Intriguing New Shows, 2003