Don't get us wrong; most were very good this year. Well, okay; we lied. But although nothing was terribly great, nothing was horribly bad, exactly. Some ads though, well...let's put it this way. Super Bowl commercials cost money. These advertisers spent millions so you could see...a giant hamster? ...Tim Allen with a long tongue? ...a boring, fizzing glass? Here are some of the commercial makers you'll meet during detention, kids, because spending millions in cash for these ads...? That's just wrong.

Hamster (McDonalds). The Gist of It: It's safe to confess that I just don't get these McDonalds ads on the bench. People sit and chat with a plastic life-sized Ronald McDonald "sitting" on the bench with them. I guess the idea here was that average Joes all love Ronald even when he just "looks" like he's sitting with them on the bench. So what "average Joe" is sitting with him on the bench, for Super Bowl Sunday? A guy in a hamster suit. Apparently, he wants Ronald to help him be mascot. Why the Commercial Fails: Let's put it this way: huh...?

It's a Little Monster (Hummer). The Gist of It: Giant "godzilla" style monster meets giant Ultraman sized silver robot. They fall in love and um, well…the monster is female. Their baby is a Hummer. Why the Commercial Fails: So to follow this through; if I buy this car, I'm driving the product of giant freaky monsters having sex. Um...ew?

Strap...Please Stay On! (GoDaddy.com). The Gist of It: Hey, here’s a question for you: does anybody even know what Go Daddy dot com even is? All we know is that last year’s super bowl had a supposed "controversy" about a girl in a sports bra, in front of congress, as –-tee hee!— she nearly loses her strap on her sports bra. Go Daddy Dot Com wants you to know how “devastated” everyone was at this “controversy,” which is driven home by this year’s “I hope that strap stays on” commercial. Oh no; the bra strap is slowly breaking! Old man needs oxygen! Oxygen! Bare shoulder! Bare shoulder!!! Hubba hubba! Kiddies can surf over to Go Daddy to “see more.” Goody! Why the Commercial Fails: Enough with the prepubescent teases, already. Either make a more imaginative ad campaign or...just enough already.

"Here's The Snap..." (Disney Pictures, "The Shaggy Dog"). The Gist of It: So begins trailers for the latest Disney Pictures remake; "The Shaggy Dog." Action clips are summarized football style in the spirit of the Super Bowl. Tim Allen is bitten by dog: "There's the snap!" Suddenly, he’s acting like a dog. In short...Tim is licking himself...with a very long tongue. Everything’s a blur after that. Why the Commercial Fails: Given all the stuff they make poor Tim do, it's amazing he still works for Disney from time to time. Now they have him licking his palms. It's almost enough to call the animal humane society against such treatment.

The Self-Esteem Fund! (Dove). The Gist of It: Here's a good idea that turns sour because of inexcusable retro-sexism. Cindi Lauper’s “True Colors” song is playing, as the commercial says that this girl is afraid she’s fat, another thinks she’s ugly and another thinks she’d have been better looking as a blonde. Introducing the Dove Self-Esteem fund; “because every girl deserves to feel good about herself…” Why the Commercial Fails: ...and boys don't...? I know, I know; this project could help girls without self esteem, and as such, this ad got high ratings on many a "rate your favorite commercials" site. Yet take it from boys, ladies; being singled out as a nerd, or a spaz, or a geek by every girl in school is no picnic. Either include every insecure teen in your insecurity club, or...sorry, thumbs down for your "self-esteem fund," ladies.

P Diddy's New Star (Diet Pepsi). The Gist of It: Jay Mohr acts like an agent for Diet Pepsi. He's about to sign a deal with P Diddy but Mr. Diet Pepsi wants creative control. Um, time out: a tin can wants creative control? Before you can shout "What is up with that," we see the Diet Pepsi can with headphones on in the sound booth, as P Diddy's band sings "Brown and Bubbly." Why the Commercial Fails: The song is cute, but everyone treating a soda can like it's "alive" just seems...flat.

Rock of Ages (MotoPebl). The Gist of It: A meteor hits the Earth, cools, and survives the ice age as it is hit by waves and suddenly on a beach someone picks up a "Pebl." The MotoPebl, to follow through this ad's logic, is the result of millions of years of evolution. Why the Commercial Fails: With everyone wary to buy the next worthless gadget "paperweight," is it smart to imply your product was once a rock?

Dream... (Mobile Sports ESPN). The Gist of It: Guy walks down busy city street too busy looking at his cellular phone to notice all the sports happening around him, including racecars on the street and an athlete pulling a bus, all while a 1960’s song plays in the background. Why the Commercial Fails: What we want to see is a guy in the middle of nowhere being able to watch ESPN at a moment's notice. Guy looking at his phone while life passes him by isn't too alluring.

Cars: The Teaser (Disney/Pixar's "Cars"). The Gist of It: Look; I really hope Disney and Pixar patch things up so they can make more films together. But this latest teaser for Cars is a little too much “Owen Wilson is a voice for one of the cars” and too little “What is the point of talking cars I don’t get it!” Why the Commercial Fails: Furthermore, what little I know of the story sounds a little like Doc Hollywood, only there's no Michael J Fox and "Doc" is now a talking red racecar.

A Glass. (Labatt Blue). The Gist of It: This is the peak of wasted money on a Super Bowl commercial, boys: a glass. No seriously; a beer glass with no narration but simple text. Is the text worth sitting and watching a glass? Well, let's read some of it: When you have (blah blah integrity power or something like that...blah), you have an easy time making friends. What does that have to do with beer? I have no idea. That's just the message that appears on screen as a beer is poured. Gurgle gurgle fizz whish gurgle time for the fridge. Why the Commercial Fails: Zzz...

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