Techtite's Realist Guide To

The Phantom Menace

You've heard it all before...many times. No sooner do you sit down to watch a Star Wars video, then some brainy realist "friend" next to you wants to tell you all the inaccuracies. The trash compactor monster couldn't exist. Nor could the asteroid serpent in Empire Strikes Back. Engine Fuel. Hyperspace. Laser power. Yada Yada Yada. The most favorite sci-factoid : "There's no sound in space." Lucky space.

Still, Star Wars, Episode 1 : The Phantom Menace led to many questions...and alleged gripes as well. While most are mere nitpicking (yeah, still "no sound in space"...shaddup!), some questions are worth asking...and, possibly, answering. What follows are 25 (in no particular order) of the most common questions, which I have heard from numerous sources. With each is my own take, of a very likely, well thought out (albeit very, very non-official) explanation :

-------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Who is "The Phantom Menace," anyway? This was one of the bigger questions...and, when you think about it, it's the biggest no-brainer. Why? Well, this is what you get, kids, for never staying to read the credits. When even the IMDb's page for that actor, lists Ian McDiarmid as being Senator Palpatine in this film, and Emperor (Palpatine) in Return of the Jedi, I'd say Palpatine is the phantom menace. This guy is so evil in The Force, not even Yoda sensed his arrival (as the first trilogy already made clear); a Phantom Menace.

2. "What's so bloody important about Naboo? This is never explained. Not even die-hard fans know this, George." An actual quoted question from an amateur critic at the IMDb...and, at least, this fan knows what's so important about Naboo. No, it doesn't merely have to do with the fact that Luke & Leia's Mother is the ruler of the planet (even though that's reason enough). The answer is, Emperor Palpatine is Senator of the planet, and peeving the locals there --and causing political sympathy for the planet he was senator of-- was his ticket to becoming Supreme Chancellor...and soon, Emperor. I'd call that pretty important.

3. Those "racist" aliens. Note that I put "racist" in quotes. The belief is that Jar-Jar Binks was a racist stereotype...even though HE'S A FISH! Likewise for the junk dealer who sounds ethnic (thanks to the voice actor chosen) as well as the Asian-sounding Trade Federation. Some claim that this is all signs of racism, since, um, gee, they sound like races other than...well, other races. Um, excuse me, but wasn't an African-American (Hugh Quarshie, as Captain Panaka) Captain of the Queen's royal guard, and didn't Samuel L. Jackson play Mace Windu, to the left of Yoda himself in The Great Jedi Council? Not enough, claim the racist chest-thumpers: villains in the movie should ALL look and sound, well..."white." Gosh, nothing racist in that, is there?

Still not convinced at non-racism in Lucas? Well, try this one on for size. The only real "whites" in Phantom Menace are four characters : the boy who eventually helps massacre all Jedi, the girl who was stupid enough to fall in love with him, and the two nimrods who trained him. Oh yes, there was one more white guy; Darth Sidius, the eventual emperor of everything evil! Think about it.

4. They used light sabers to do so much in this movie; even melt through a blast door...why didn't Luke Skywalker??? Probably because there was only one person who could teach Luke how much a light saber could do...and he died. Not even Yoda took the time to teach him how to use it, and actually preferred to teach him when not to use it. On the other hand, Luke did use it on the ice planet Hoth, to slice through the bottom of an AT-AT...which I'd say is pretty thick to melt through.

5. In the first film ("A New Hope"), C-3PO didn't seem to recognize Tattooine even though it's his home planet. How could he forget that? He's a protocol DROID. A protocol droid that, surprisingly, knows Bachee; a rare, Tatooine language that "is like a second language" to him in A New Hope. Uncle Ben did mention to Luke that the droid's memories could be easily erased. So who erased his memory? Perhaps Luke's mother, Queen Amidala...otherwise, he'd have known the truth about Leia (!), and enemies could extract that information from a mere droid, quite easily.

6. What are the odds that R2-D2 flew with both Luke and Anakin? What are the odds that R2-D2, one of the most self-opinionated droids in all of sci-fi, would take so quickly to a complete "stranger" like Luke Skywalker, unless he knew his dad. I know this seems to contradict the above explanation of C3PO's memory loss; after all, why erase threepio's memory, and not artoo's? Well, this opens another possibility I considered, on who erased threepio's memory; Anakin himself. After all, when he became Vader, he dispised his former life enough to erase all memory of it...perhaps, even from the droid he created. However, he wouldn't erase the memory of Artoo, because Artoo never belonged to him; Artoo only flew with him by accident.

7. Qui-Gon gets shish-ke-bobbed, and lives long enough to have a chat! Plus, he doesn't fade away when he dies! Nor did Vader fade away; remember that. There are numerous possibilities here. Was it because they were killed during battle...? Perhaps; that would explain why Kenobi lowered all defenses before he vanished. Kenobi and Yoda both willed to die at the time of their death; that may be part of it, too. It could even be something introduced to Jedis in Episode 2; a way to keep Jedi from being easily cloned during The Clone Wars. There are, as I said, many possibilities...particularly when, again, Vader didn't, either. 

As for Qui-Gon being impaled and living for a long while longer; this will be a plausible walk in the park by Episode 3, kids. Ask yourself how believable it will be when Darth Vader, as old rumors have it, falls into a LAVA PIT...and survives! Yes, the force is that powerful, as Yoda and Vader said repeatedly...

8. Obi-Wan is Qui-Gon's "Padawan"...? I thought Yoda was his mentor! This is a back story explained in Phantom Menace (and, I hear, will be only alluded to in the sequels). Yoda and other Jedi Council members instruct very young children, when first brought into the Jedi Order. They then are taken on by a Jedi who is not a member of the council to complete their training "in field." This is the confirmed explanation from one of the "official" books for the film. If this isn't enough for you, then accept what we KNOW from the first trilogy: Obi-Wan is a big fat liar. He told Luke Darth murdered his father; wrong. His Yoda-taught-me claims could've been equally, as he says, "from a certain point of view..." How else would he get the still-rather-bratty Luke to go to the swamp known as Dagobah, unless he said, "Yoda? Um, yeah...he's the one who taught me." However, if you bother to read the books, the back story is Yoda did indeed train him, as he did all Jedi...when a young child.

9. At the start of the film, the two Jedi hold their breath for a long time, as a room fills with gas. Later in the film, they use "breathalizer" mouth pieces under water. Why? Don't let movie time versus "real time" confuse you. There's a whole lot of difference between holding your breath to get out of a small room filling with gas, and holding your breath to reach a city at the dead bottom of the ocean.

10. Boss Nass, the leader of the Gungans, is almost as silly as Jar-Jar. What's with that shaking his head and spitting...? Okay, this one stumps me. It was a joke that failed. Every time he did it I winced, thinking I was watching a Barney the Dinosaur or Pokemon film, not Star Wars. The good news; no need for Boss Nass in any future film. However, was he really any less silly-looking than the fish-head Admiral Ackbar in The Return of the Jedi...? Not to me, he wasn't.

11. Fode-Beed, the two-headed alien announcer, is too "modern" and doesn't fit into the galaxy far-far away formula. The truth...? A thousand centuries from now, I can guarantee that sports announcers will be as obnoxious as they always were. After all, it's not like you want Sir John Gielgud to announce a desert pod race. Lucas was smart enough, at the very least, to not use an ethnic voice for this character, or else he'd be ---gasp!--- "racist"...and don't get me started on that one again.

12. Anakin built C-3PO. This cannot be! Well, why not? If you need an answer, though, it depends if you want the "behind the scenes" answer, or the story-relevancy answer. The behind the scenes answer involves Lucas' original plan, to have the whole Star Wars story be told from the eyes of R2D2 and C3PO, who were with one or more of the main characters at all times. As for story continuity; it always stumped me why C3PO was given gold plating, among all other similar protocol droids who merely have chrome plating. Answer: He was a very special droid to the Queen...the last tangible memory of Anakin before he "died" to become Darth Vader. As such, he got the full treatment, right down to gold plating. Either way, seeing him turned on for the first time was pretty cool.

13. How stupid is it to hear Young-Darth-Vader shout "yippee"...? Kids like to hope that they'd think of something totally cool to say to an alien, if invited aboard an actual spaceship. Truth be told, any kid would be just as likely to say "Yippee!" or "Totally Wizard!" or "Cool!" or "Yowza!" or whatever other cliché slang term was considered "in" by kids at the time. In Anakin's case, he was a slave who was 1) suddenly FREE, 2)about to become a Jedi Knight, and 3) about to go on a spaceship and off the worthless desert rock he was stuck on as a slave. What would you say...? I guess he could've said something like, "Holy poodoo!" though to me that sounds even worse than Yippee.

The bigger truth is, dialog in Phantom Menace could be much worse. Upon the original theatrical release of the movie Dune, audience members were given a glossary page(!), defining all the unique slang terms used in the movie, so you could understand a single word they were saying. The problem? No lights in a movie theater! DUH! The good news : Star Wars doesn't invent new words for you to learn; if they do, they're explained in the movie. Yippee!

14. People keep calling Anakin "Anni"...Little Orphan Anni? Call me nuts, though this is an effective stage-setting for future episodes. Seriously! How annoying was it when adults put an "eee" after your own name as a kid, like Mikey, Tommy, or Nickie? Two guesses how angry a teenage Anakin Skywalker will be, when they still attempt to call him Anni...and you needed an early sign of how he gets so angry. Personally, I don't.

15. Battle Droids use...binoculars? Why aren't they built in? Easy home project, kids; strap Dad's binoculars onto your head, then try to walk around normally. Once you fall on your Junior Philosopher Butt, ask this question again.

16. The final battle had no set-up, to explain what they were doing...? Some people actually claimed this; that there was no idea what they were planning to do. Actually, Queen Amidala had this discussion on the planet beforehand; R2-D2 even showed pictures via his holographic projector. She may not have had a home base to make it official, though it's there. One theory; Jar-Jar had a major scene before this one, so perhaps some theater goers ran off to the lobby for more Milk Duds...and missed the following battle scene set-up completely.

17. How could Obi-Wan jump so high, after falling down to a much lower catwalk? He was using The Force! FYI : in Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker's saber duel has him doing a reverse summersault onto a catwalk one story above him. Never underestimate the power of The Force. As Vader himself said, even the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant in comparison...

18. Yoda looks too different in 30 years. He's 900 years old! I think this was simply to appease all the nimrods who forgot he was 900 years old, and would ask why he doesn't look younger in a movie 30 years earlier. You can't please both groups. Actually, I didn't think he looked that different in the first place; just a little Rogaine behind the ears. Whatever...

19. Why isn't Anakin more menacing? I thought he'd become Vader PDQ. Not if you paid attention to the first trilogy more carefully. Obi-Wan mentioned that Anakin was a good friend, and implied that when Anakin became Vader, it was as if Anakin had died. Keep in mind what Yoda says in Phantom Menace; fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. This is an obvious map-out of the first trilogy, where Episode 1 has Anakin so scared, he didn't even know if he could leave home. Then comes Episode 2, where, as Yoda told Luke, "much angers him...like his father." Then that anger turns to hate in Episode 3. See?

20. The whole movie was more a product commercial than story. ...As is almost every movie/TV show around today, other than the evening news. You have to cut Lucas some slack; if Hasbro, in addition to the whole Pepsi, Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut franchise, waved billions of dollars in your face, you'd sure as heck cave in and make a big Pepsi commercial in disguise. I can hear the chest-thumpers denying this : "No!...I am an overflowing cup of human goodness, who would give that billion dollars back, and be loyal to my fellow fans!" Oh, shaddddduuuup! However, turnabout is fair play; none of us bought a single one of those Jar-Jar soft drink cups, and the fast food chains were left with millions of them...so there! With the media backlash of Phantom Menace, I doubt as many product chains will jump onto the Episode 2 bandwagon; hence, the need for less commercializing, and a better story.

21. Anakin "accidentally" blows up the Droid Control ship. Actually, The Force Was With Him! Sappy, yes, though that's the way it's written in the script/book/whatever. Lucas' bigger mistake is not dubbing out the word "oops" by Anakin; after all, how many kids, even on Earth, wouldn't know exactly what a ship's reactor core would look like...? After all, most of us learned what one looked like...from Star Wars!

In the end, this is yet another debate about the Power of The Force. In the first movie, Obi-Wan told Luke that The Force controls your actions...though also obeys your commands. What type of power does the Dark Side of The Force have...? Anakin may find out from The Emperor that he was a mere puppet in his grand scheme, the whole time. Think about it; once Palpatine was Supreme Chancellor, what better way was it to get rid of excess baggage like the Trade Feds, than to allow Anakin to kill them for him? On the other hand, maybe "the force was with him," in such a way that un untrained apprentice would see his actions as an "oops" and not as actions controlled via the will of The Force. If you prefer to just nitpick the "oops" factor of the scene...whatever.

22. Padme was Amidala? I'm confused. If I had to wear Tammy Fae Baker make-up while on the throne, I wouldn't admit who I really was, either. Apparently, Lucas wanted to write a story that implied that Amidala and Anakin met in a love-at-first-sight way, which was in no way affected by the fact she was Queen. The attempt was flawed, since too much implausibility took place to make her look "different" as either character.

On the other hand, what if this someday works in her advantage? She could begin a rebellion as Padme, with nobody knowing that Padme was actually Queen Amidala (who met Senator/Emperor Palpatine only while in her Queen "disguise"). Just another thought...

23. Anakin is an immaculate conception? No way! (Revised as of "Revenge of the Sith) This is answered in Revenge of the Sith, even if very cryptically. Palpatine tells Anakin the tale of Darth Plauguis; an evil Sith Lord so obsessed with life and death that he actually manipulated the force to create life. This story would have no need to have been told if Anakin wasn't the "life" Palpatine was referring to. Anakin was only interesting in saving Padme's life; not "creating life." Palpatine continues to say that the Sith Lord who created this mysterious life, was killed by his apprentice. We can presume from this many things. For one thing Anakin is no virgin birth, at least not beyond simple lab experiment standards. Secondly, his "dad" as it were was a Sith Lord, although not exactly, because it isn't said that Plauguis used his own DNA in any way to make Anakin, hence no link to "dad." Last, we can assume baqsed on Anakin's birth some 18 years prior, that Darth Sidius, Emperor Palpatine, was the apprentice in question, and he killed his mentor. This would explain why he is so interested in Anakin as opposed to anyone else, because clearly; how great of an apprentice is one who was basically manufactured by the Sith?

24. What's with all the [modern] Star-Trek-caliber technobabble about midichloians needed to use The Force? Do you want the real-life theory, or the Star Wars theory?

The Real-Life Theory : Actual celebrities --respected celebrities-- asked Lucas to attempt to make the Jedi into an actual religion. No joke. Midichlorians were apparently to sway such zealots from ever asking this again. "Gosh, no midichlorians in the human body...so sorry!" This is not confirmed by Lucas, though it's an understandable excuse.

The Star Wars Theory : (revised as of Revenge of the Sith) As mentioned earlier, Palpatine implies that Anakin was the result of "manipulating midichlorians to create life." It makes more sense that someone would manipulate biological matter to create life than, say, someone manipulating etherial "force" to create life. You can't create a park bench with electricity, so it's unlikely you can create a baby with "the force." However; can I microorganism associated with the force be "manipulated" to become an embryo somehow? It sounds fanciful, but to be fair; we're talking about a technological world where moon-sized space stations are possible. Anyway; midichlorians manipulated to create life makes more sense than "manipulating the force to create life." The force is already life, albeit ethereal. Midichlorians explain 

25. Too much Jar Jar Binks, Yes? Sorry, Lucas, you're by yourself with this one. This film's box office receipts could've sunk Titanic like a rubber duckie, if not for Jar Jar. Even to fans of overly-cute comic relief characters, his "dialect" was too thick to know what he was saying at all. 'nuf said.

That's the list!

Now, aren't you glad you asked...?