Techtite.com Editorial : My Two Bits, V2

Yes, I've actually seen it. Yes, I waited weeks to be able to say that, but hey, it's the thought that counts. Dare I say the obvious? It sucks. Now is not the time to debate how much it does suck, nor will I listen to any "plant"- in- training, telling me they "loved" it (don't laugh; according to Rotten Tomatoes' Tomatometer, ten critics actually liked Gigli. Yes; Gigli!). It's more of a question at this point, of how such a slam-dunk idea went so very wrong.

Mind you; in the review, I refused to bring up any of this. A film is in itself strictly a film, so I was curious to see how the film fared in a review without a single reference to the comics. This editorial is different. This is a former Catwoman fan allowed to speak his mind about how much the film has, oddly enough, nothing to do about her. As Selena Kyle would say: claws are out.

First, let's get the racial card off the table straight out: no, if this film flops, it isn't because Halle Berry is Catwoman. Among three actresses that played the character in the 1960's TV series, Batman, Eartha Kitt was one of the best; so much so, a large gaggle of Batman fans call her the definitive Catwoman. Someone from that camp must've cast Halle, and I have no problem with that. Let's put it this way: in an otherwise forgettable flick titled The Last Boy Scout, there's a scene when Halle says to her boyfriend, "If I was a kitten, I'd purrr!" that surely left many men thinking, "You know, she'd make a fine Catwoman!" Well, of course she would. If there's a problem I have with this movie; Halle isn't one of them. That said; let's move on...

Here's the problem: this is supposed to be Catwoman from the Batman comics, correct? That question is rhetorical, friends. They even credit the characters as being based on those created by Bob Kane (aka, the guy who first penned Batman). So, yeah, this isn't a case of "same name different story." This is supposedly "the" Catwoman, and...she isn't. Even her name has been changed! So much has been changed, in fact, that one wonders how the movie can legally call itself "Catwoman" without someone, somewhere, crying of copyright infringement. It's as though the film makers are saying, "We want to make this movie about a catlike superhero, though in case our idea falls flat, let's tease the fans of the comic book into thinking this movie is about 'Catwoman,' when it has nothing to do with her at all." That's just cheap sales tactics.

This may all sound immaterial, to those who never read a single Batman or Catwoman comic book (yes, in case you didn't know; she has her own spin-off comic book by now). So let me try and find a decent comparison that the agnostic theater patron can identify with. Imagine someone wanting to make a film based on Shakespeare's Hamlet. Then they want to modernize the setting, so they put him in Detroit. Then they decide they want to put him in a spin-dyed T-shirt and ripped jeans. Then they replace the name "Hamlet" with "Ernie Dingletwit," for no explicable reason whatsoever. Then they replace a classic line like "To be or not to be" with "to pee or not to pee," just because they thought it was worth it to hear an 8-year-old giggle. Yet they still title the movie "Hamlet," complete with a message that the film is "based on the classic play by William Shakespeare." Get the idea?

Sure, Catwoman was never Shakespearean, and yet try and imagine what the makers of this film cannot conceive; that the majority of people who would want to see this movie are fans of the actual comics. Yet there is not one single shred of this film character that is similar to the comics. They want to make a "Catwoman" movie, yet make it nothing like the actual comics at all. It's just silly.

Then there's the costume. What's interesting is: in honor of this film's release, a whole graphic novel has been released --Catwoman: Nine Lives of a Feline Fatale-- heralding her nine alternate costumes through the years. There's even a prologue by the film's executive producer, claiming "of course" Catwoman needed a new costume, in honor of the new film. However; come on, now. Even though her oldest costumes are a bit dated in style, at no point did Catwoman look, well...stupid. I can see them giving Halle Berry a costume that wasn't bright purple, or skin-tight, though there's no denying that Halle would've looked 1,000,000 times sexier in even Catwoman's 1940's costume. In case I'm being too subtle here: her movie costume totally sucks.

Then there's the back story. Here's something you may not even know, kids; Catwoman does not have super powers. She was never bitten by a radioactive kitten, nor was she hit by gamma radiation that ricocheted off her pet pussycat. She's "Catwoman," that is to say, the same way Batman is not "bat-man." Batman calls himself that because it sounds ominous to his enemies. Catwoman calls herself that because she likes cats and is a cat-burglar. See? Sure, just like batman she has her cat-gadgets, including claws sewn into her gloves, and even special goggles in her cowl, that allow her to see in different lighting conditions. In that respect she is "Catwoman," though no, she is not a real "cat-woman." This is a misconception, and when you're making a Catwoman-movie, it's a very grave one. In fact, it is the definitive proof that the scriptwriters never even opened a single batman comic book and read it. If they do not wish to read the comic; why should we, as fans of the comic, bother to watch their movie?

It's the atmosphere of the film that fails. This Catwoman story is clearly molded in the same frame of mind as the modern Marvel comic films, and the very fact that Catwoman is a DC Comics character should tell you how bad of a mistake this is. Sure, there are people who like both DC and Marvel Comics, but their approaches are totally different, almost like the difference between meat, and dessert. The cinematic effect is as bad as meat flavored Twinkies, or worse yet, beef stew ice cream. Catwoman is not Spider-man, nor is she The Incredible Hulk, nor is she an "X-man." Catwoman is, quite simply, a sexy cat burglar. Task at hand: make Halle Berry into a cat burglar who likes to dress like a cat. Why was this too difficult a concept?

In conclusion, there's the thief factor. Gee, thought the makers of this film: who would go to see a movie about a thief? One word: Entrapment. You know; the film where Catherine Zeta Jones slinks through laser beams like an acrobatic sex kitten? How about Dirty Rotten Scoundrels...Disorganized Crime...Ocean's Eleven (soon to have a sequel, Ocean's Twelve)...need I go on? Hey, geniuses; how about Catwoman? Oh, right; you never even read the comics. My mistake. Here's a thought; if you want to make a film about a comic book, how about reading the comic? I'm just saying.

Agree? Disagree?

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