Techtite's DVD Reviews!

"When New Line implies that a few quickie shots of celebrity X, Y, and Z are the most important sales muscle of this picture, what does that tell you about its main stars, the actual jokes, or the story as a whole?"

---from the review

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 Out of the mouths of better critics... With all due humility, I think the best summary for most (if not all) third sequels, was offered by Roger Ebert, in his review for Scream-3. He said that the first film was like a funny joke, while the second was like somebody telling you, "Here's how I heard that joke," with the third done as if somebody can't believe you already heard that joke. Such is the case with most films with "3" on the title. Regardless of a 3 in this film's title or not, the flaw still applies: it's the exact same joke, the third time around. Ho-hum.

Austin Powers in: 

Goldmember

Widescreen

Full Screen

Click pictures to order either DVD version

A Techtite Review

As always, a review of The Film and The DVD (extras)!

The Film: Goldmember confirms a theory I've had since The Spy Who Shagged Me; Mike Meyers has absolutely no idea what made his original Austin Powers movie so popular. With every sequel, he dilutes the originally inspired concept of a James Bond parody with jokes most humorous to 12 year olds in Jar-Jar Binks T-shirts. These are the sort of unequivocal Mike Meyers fanboys who would be pleased with a 90-minute still picture of a muddy rock, provided it had "Yeah, baby!" spray-painted on it. To say Goldmember is a better sequel concept depends on how much you hate rocks.

I'm no anti-Austin critic here. I saw the prior movies, and liked them both...though admittedly, the first far more. International Man of Mystery was an inspired James Bond parody; a concept long overdue. However, The Spy Who Shagged Me was a total farce, if not for the inspired half-pint clone, "Mini Me," and the adorable Heather Graham in hot pants. What does that tell you about Goldmember, when 1) the whole "Mini Me" joke is three years stale, and 2) Graham is no longer a supporting cast member...? Sure, Mike Meyers is likeable, though is congeniality all it takes to be funny?

The story is immaterial, though here is the gist of it: Dr. Evil is back, he creates a dastardly plot with a funny nickname ("Preparation H"), and Austin tries to stop him. I was a bit confused as to why Dr. Evil has discovered a golden meteor, and wants to use it for world destruction as opposed to simply selling it and becoming a billionaire. That's what I get for thinking too hard. This isn't the type of story to apply brain matter to. Just concentrate on: Dr. Evil Bad Guy, Austin Good Guy. Got that?

Along the way there is Meyers' latest character incantation, "Goldmember," who garners no laughs whatsoever, and seems in the story merely so they could use the name in the title. There's also Beyonce Knowles as Foxy Cleopatra --the latest Powers party favor-- who is easy enough on the eyes yet lacks the chemistry Meyers had with Heather Graham and Elisabeth Hurley (Hurley's added touch to the first film is once again sorely missed). They even succeeded in nabbing Michael Caine to play Austin's dad, who would've added a lot of comedic muscle to this film, if Meyers' ego was deflated enough to let him try.

Oh, yes; there's also celebrity cameos. New Line is very insistent that critics not reveal these great, wonderful, secret cameos. Indeed, the first 10 minutes of the film --acting as though Hollywood is making a movie about Austin-- is the best part of the film, and the ONLY thing keeping the film from being an irrefutable burnout. Yet, let's be honest; it is not a good thing when a film must be heralded for its cameo appearances more than the actual movie. This is akin to a cook serving ground chuck, and asking you not to reveal the origins of his secret sauce. Celebrity cameos should be icing on the cake, nothing more. When New Line implies that a few quickie shots of celebrity X, Y, and Z are the most important sales muscle of this picture, what does that tell you about its main stars, the actual jokes, or the story as a whole?

Speaking of the "actual" (non-cameo) jokes; most will seem stale to anyone over the age of 10. Yes, kids, this includes the joke you all apparently think is a riot: the mole joke. You see, there's this secret agent mole (Fred Savage) infiltrating Dr. Evil's lair, and gosh darn it, this mole has a mole on his face. This is a joke as old as the grains of sand on Pismo beach. The chicken probably crossed the road to avoid being told this joke ever again. In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if hieroglyphics were written in a cave somewhere, with this joke written long ago by grunting Neanderthals. If this is the first time you've heard a joke about moles, welcome to potty training.

This is a drop in the bucket, in a film whose whole cohesion is via jokes ripped off from countless cliché genres. This includes the entire look at the 1970's, which really wasn't that funny of a decade, and stale jokes about the era fall terribly flat. It doesn't help when the shocking revelation of why Austin and Evil look alike is ripped off from a VIDEO GAME (click here to know which one; spoiler alert!). Last (and least), there's Mike Meyers as Fat Bastard again, allowing for a "skinny comic in latex" joke that's on its way to becoming the MOST... USED... JOKE... EVER.

Of course, this is all immaterial to the Mike Meyers fanboys, who insist So I Married an Axe Murderer was not one of the Top Ten Worst (Non-Sequel) Comedies of All Time. It helps that some of these fans are too young to realize most jokes are OLD material, since they are too young to have heard any of the material yet! If you have a Jar-Jar Binks T-shirt in the closet, you will have a wonderful time seeing Goldmember. Those of us with wallets instead of piggy banks will likely steer clear.

The DVD: This is a nice batch of extras, true, though in bigger truth, they are not unlike the film by now: predictable. You are offered deleted and alternate scenes, yes, though there is a point where a film is too contrived to allow for amusing deletions. It's like the editor said, "I kept the mole joke in, and left these scenes out." Good call. I guess.

Commentary is by Jay Roach and Mike Meyers. Here's a tip to Meyers with the inevitable "Austin-4": when choosing your next "Bond girl," so to speak, choose one willing to be in the commentary!!! When all your co-stars (yes, even Michael Caine, and heck; even Mini Me!!!) opt out of having to watch the film again and comment about it, what does that tell you? I'm sensing more flaws as a result of Meyers' ego, here. Would it kill him to have someone with him in the audio commentary sound booth who asked, "What were you thinking with this scene...? I don't get it..." Instead, we have two good ol' boys musing on how oh what wonderful comedic brilliant talents are they. Uh-huh. Sure.

Take the above away, and you have the obligatory trailers, 12 behind the scenes featurettes (you guessed it: a regular-size featurette, divided into 12 chapters), 4 music videos you'll only watch once (and even then I wouldn't advise it), a visual FX segment, and a DVD-ROM (PC's only) feature which allows you to redub various scenes, if you truly are that bored. Bottom line: if you really felt the luuuurrrve for this movie, you'll probably like the extras. Others will rent the movie and then, likely, watch their own DVD of International Man of Mystery right after. How a good idea changes, in just 5 years!

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