Techtite DVD Reviews

The Film: I'm reminded of Dolly Parton, and her own premiere musician-turned-actress comedy, 9 to 5. That, by contrast to the crash and burn of this film, was a smash hit, that even led to a spin-off TV series starring Dolly's kid sister! What was Dolly's secret to success? I suppose it was due to three factors; she didn't bite off more than she could chew in her first acting role, she wasn't out to ram her personal "philosophical lessons" down audiences' throats, and most importantly, she had obvious fun in the role she chose. If only Dolly was on hand to help Britney Spears in her first big film. The result could've been so, SO much better than Crossroads.

Don't get me wrong; the initial storyboard must've sounded good to whomever gave this flick the green light. Not unlike modern teen comedies like Road Trip, three high school girls join each other on a car ride to California; in this case, to rekindle their childhood friendships. This script device, in its basic form, has it all. The freedom of the road! Womanhood! This premise sounds like a feel-good, campy teen flick, and that's exactly the way it was sold in its TV commercials.

Unfortunately, this was not what you get in this film. How stupid is stupid? Let's put it this way; all Britney Spears' fans wanted was a campy, harmless, feel-good teen flick, and this film's creators couldn't even handle a task as simple as that. They instead attempt to make Britney's first film into an 88 minute, totally pessimistic melodrama; an el-cheapo "After school special" with a pop star in it. Sure, I agree with some messages here --smoking is for losers, drinking isn't for everyone-- though it's so heavy-handed, the entertainment value is sorely lacking.

Rest assured, Britney fandom, the problem is NOT Britney herself. The problem isn't the "road trip" story, either. The problem isn't even the brought-in-from-left field character of Ben; a complete stranger, and possible murderer, who the girls decide is the perfect person to drive them to L.A. No, the real problem here is Britney's character, Lucy, who is saccharinely over-written to be oh so VERY much cooler, smarter, and all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips better than her "friends." Sure, this film is being sold as "Britney Spears with...those two other girls"; they didn't have to spike the ball, and make the two other girls cliché symbols of pubescent mistakes: Mimi (Taryn Manning) is sweet 18 and pregnant; Kit (Zoe Saldana) has rushed to get engaged...to a fiancée who, of course, is a total jerk. Then there's perfect Lucy (Britney Spears, of course!): a wonderful, virginal, brilliant-yet-not-"nerdy," straight-A student --with an unseen supermodel makeup kit wherever she goes-- writing poetry and ready for her musical rise to fame. What-ever.

While Moms may think this is the perfect film to bring their impressionable girls to see, take heed; there's a subplot that is pure "all mothers are mean to their perfect daughters" cornball. Lucy is going to California for the chance to meet her real mother (Kim Sex and the City" Cattrall), who left her when she was very young. In case you wondered, this is no cheerful reunion, making yet another woman who --you guessed it!-- is not half as perfect as good ol' Lucy. I think you can guess how this ends the film on a very sour note. What you may not anticipate is all the added angst --including both a miscarriage, and a date rape subplot-- that makes the film not worth the ride. Sure, avid Britney fans may retort that there's all that Britney Spears music to uplift you, though come on, now; you can get that on CD.

Not that viewers won't have a good laugh or two in this teen soap opera, even when unintentional. Like when Lucy -- an 18 year old virgin, who's obviously saved herself for the right guy-- would settle for Ben; the complete stranger driving the girls' car...who, again, might be a murderer. There's also the time Lucy reads one of her poems to Ben; a poem that may sound familiar because --isn't that cute?-- it's one of Britney's hit songs ("I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."). Then Ben comes up with music for the poem's words, which (giggle!) Lucy never thought of singing before. HA!

I am a very lenient "film critic." I often allow myself to see even the slightest bit of good in a film, and give it only "marginal thumbs down" in the process. The mere casting of Britney Spears as a publicity gimmick is not enough. Ten years from now, Britney will likely look back on this film and confess it was to her what King Solomon's Mines was to Sharon Stone...and how bad was that?

The DVD: Can you say, "Oblivious"...? I don't expect a film crew to make an audio commentary track that pessimistically admits, "Yeah, this stunk...and this...and this..." However, when listening to the commentary by the film's producer, director, and writer (Ann Carli, Tamra Davis, and Shondra Rhimes, respectively), the femme trio seem totally oblivious to the film's box office crash, the critical flames, and their own mistakes that made this so. I'm reminded of the humility of the writer/director of The Last Man, who when a lead actor quips ideas for the film to have made an additional million at the box office, he smugly retorts, "You mean, *A* million...!" The ability to laugh at your own mistakes might've been a good thing here as well.

Of course, Britney fans might say the biggest flaw of the commentary is in the absence of Britney herself. However, she is on hand elsewhere in the extra materials, to offer her opinions of her co-stars. Okay, I won't be mean and say that this teenzine cover girl should be more articulate in her responses, though I must admit, how many times she describes a cast or crewmember with the word "sweet" is bound to be made into a drinking game in a frat house somewhere.

There is a behind the scenes featurette offered --"40 Days With Britney"-- plus seven deleted scenes. I won't bother to list them all here, since to me a deleted scene of a movie I rated "burnout" is a scene that was so bad, even a film this bad decided it wasn't good enough for a film this bad. Well, maybe that's too harsh; there is a sneak peek at the back story of Ackroyd's character as Britney's father, where a Marine past may explain his emotions a little. Of course --DUH!-- the biggest no-brainer additions would have to be music videos, including (double DUH) Britney's "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman," and an "Overprotected" Darkchild remix. Karaoke versions of both songs are also offered, plus the ability to "edit your own" music video.

Other additions are strictly for the Britney fanboys. There's a sneak peek at the premiere --you know; the day before the film flopped-- a photo gallery, and a fun facts option that can be accessed when viewing the movie (think VH-1's little trivia balloons that pop up on older music videos). Fans also get taught how to make those T-shirts from the "I love Rock & Roll" scene. Of course, last and best for Britney's fans is her personal welcome to the DVD, though even the most loyal of fans must admit; this welcome is not a snub, not quite an endorsement. Oh, I'm sorry; did you want Britney to add her audio commentary to this film? Her reps will send you a quickie video "hello" right away. If Britney was as wise at marketing this film as she is in marketing herself, maybe the final result would've been far better.

	Final Rating : Burnout. Britney Spears needs a better agent; one that knows a pop princess deserves a feel-good teen flick, and not a feel-bad farce.
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Crossroads

A Techtite Review