Techtite's Movie Reviews!

"To anyone who'd say the story here is acceptable for a children's movie: whatever happened to quality stories for kids, hmmm? This film's entire story could be written on a used dinner napkin."

---from the review

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So many errors, so little time... Flaws of a film you really didn't like can never be completely listed in one review. Consider the cheetah family's kindness to Eliza simply because she can talk to them (!): is a predatory animal, starving in the desert plains, supposed to look at an ugly little girl and say, "Oh, this girl can talk to us; let's not eat her!" Are we supposed to believe that if the screeching prey they kill every day screamed at them "DON'T EAT ME, FOOL!!!" that suddenly a cheetah would become a vegetarian?!? Oh and what about the further feminist pigisms of Donnie, who is apparently too stupid to even know when NOT to simply "do the wedgie dance" during a crisis (seriously; is he retarded, or something?), while the women are intellectual dynamos. Give me a BREAK.

The Wild Thornberrys Movie

A Techtite Review

While adults whine like crazy when not given quality films to enjoy, the message always seems to be that kids should be satisfied with less. It's as if mom and pop were to be served champagne and lobster by candlelight, while their kids should be happy with a half-cooked Sloppy Joe sandwich served at room temperature. That said, while many critics say that The Wild Thornberrys Movie is a perfect film for kids, I wonder if they'd feel the same way, if they were the ones dumped at the movie theater to see it, while their kids went shopping in the mall.

To anyone who'd say the story here is acceptable for a children's movie: whatever happened to quality stories for kids, hmmm? This film's entire story could be written on a used dinner napkin. Oh, no dinner napkin? Then allow me to summarize: There's a 12-year-old girl named Eliza (Lacey Chabert) who can talk to animals; a secret she must keep, or else she will lose that power. While on a family trip to the Serengeti, she meets some baby cheetahs, one gets kidnapped by poachers, and gosh she is the only one who can save him which golly may include confessing to someone her secret which gosh oh golly may make her lose her powers blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda...you get the idea.

Fans of the original Nick Jr. cartoon series may retort that this story has more than could possibly fit on that dinner napkin. Admittedly, this is slightly true. She is joined on this trip by her father Nigel (Tim Curry) and mother Marianne (Jodi Carlisle), older sister Debbie (Danielle Harris) and pet chimp Darwin (Tom Kane); I guess that's something worth mentioning. There's also Donnie, her adopted little brother with the bug-sized brain (and voiced, quite ironically, by FLEA), who likes to stick bugs up his nose, and do the "wedgie dance." Gee; that's some pretty serious information to leave off of the dinner napkin, isn't it? Oh; there's also a plot tangent where she is sent to a boarding school, though I don't want to bore you to sleep or anything.

While many critics herald this film as a nice lesson about animal kindness; doesn't the animal chosen for such kindness matter? This whole story begins with Eliza trying to save a baby CHEETAH. I suppose this is a tad better than going to Florida and saving the life of an alligator or a shark, though come on; has the screenwriter seen The Lion King one too many times? I think The Nature Channel has aired too many documentaries of a cheetah feasting on the torso of its prey --all while its still-alive victim gasps its last breaths-- to have me care if said cheetah is killed its own darned self. If some bigger, bolder predators (namely, humans) want to trap a carnivorous beast and make it into a rug; I have no problems with that. In time even the movie seems to admit this, as Eliza suddenly is saving elephants, not just cheetahs. However, the prior portrayal of cheetahs as cute misunderstood baby kittens spoiled my whole interest in what other animal rights messages the film offered.

Sure, this film tries to be politically correct with its animal kindness morals; too bad it steps on the toes of other morals along the way. There are laughably female chauvinist undertones here, where  Eliza is a 12 year old heroine, and little "brother" Donnie is a total imbecile, muttering incomprehensible gibberish, sticking bugs up his nose, and ramming his pants up his crotch as he performs "the wedgie dance." Don't look to their parents for salvation in this world of female chauvinist pigheadedness: even the official website refers to Marianne as "mom, adventurer, teacher, and filmmaker," while Nigel is a "filmmaker...but that doesn't mean [he's] got being a dad all figured out...thank goodness for his lovely and level-headed wife, Marianne!" Oh, brother.

Not to be sexist here; in fact, the reverse is true. I've read TV Guide call Baywatch --which lasted over a decade-- one of "The Worst TV Shows of All Time," and barely batted an eye. However, what happens when the genders of chauvinism are reversed, hmmm? I can forgive female critics for "loving" this movie, though are some male critics so brainwashed with the current Homer Simpsonized stereotypes of men in modern pop culture, that they cannot see this cartoon is sexist crap? While male chauvinism is practically taken to court, I'm sick and tired of female chauvinists trying to have their cake and eat it too. Even the simplest commercials these days have a sloppily-dressed man acting like a village idiot next to his business-suit-wearing wife. ENOUGH.

Some people have said the animation is acceptable enough to warrant a higher grade. Now, if that isn't a sign of lower standards in modern "cartoons," I don't know what is. Sure, compared to Ed Edd & Eddy on cartoon network, or maybe a used coloring book, or perhaps a ROCK, this movie is well animated. However, it's a little hard to look at a scene of Donnie doing "the wedgie dance" and see it as artistry. I don't know; maybe some people are just major Paul Simon fans, who provides some new songs for this movie. However, Paul Simon is no Elton John, The Wild Thornberrys Movie is no The Lion King, and this film is no good.

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