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Techtite's DVD Reviews! |
"...Then Ricki 'proves' her point that she has no need for the male organ in her life, by sleeping with Larry. Why? Because she's a jackass. Hey, no problem: Larry's a jackass too. If she forgot protection, they could have jackass kids. What a wonderful romance this is...for jackasses." --from the review
------------- Sidebar :: ------------- Shanghai Gigli. I'm reminded of yet another couple who did a film together --Madonna and Sean Penn-- and the unforgettable turkey known as Shanghai Surprise. See, even as far back as 1986, Madonna was seen as a slut. Gosh, what to do, to make it look like Sean might not get lucky...? Answer: they make Madonna a virginal nun! Similarly: what does Gigli do, to make Ricki a bigger "challenge" for Larry? They make Ricki a lesbian. S-T-U-P-I-D! Poor Christopher Walken. What's happened to poor Walken's career? From Gigli to Kangaroo Jack, he seems to be the cameo one-line kingpin, to jump in at a moments notice to any film that needs Christopher Walken in a cameo, so the critics can say, "Hey, Christopher Walken was in a cameo and it was one of the few scenes that made me NOT want to gouge my eyes out!" I'm just saying: Walken deserves better than he's received from Hollywood this year. What's going on here?
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Gigli
Click picture to order this DVD A Techtite ReviewAs Always, a review of The Film and The DVD (extras)! The Film: When seeing Gigli a critic is bound to think of the romance between the two lead stars in real life. Oh no, thinks the critic: another case of a "romance blossoming on set" totally ruining a film. Consider: not once has any budding-romance-on-set resulted in anything less than a total box office dud. Sure, a married couple can work together professionally, though budding romances always lead to another Dick Tracy. While Gigli is not as bad as that ill-fated Disney flop, they do have at least one thing in common: they both suck. Here's a small taste of the haphazard story. Larry Gigli (Ben Affleck) and Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) are two mob-related nobodies who get thrown together for cornball reasons. They hate each other though gee will they fall in love? Well, not likely, if Ricki is the lesbian she says she is. However, hey-hey-hey, they will sleep together. The stupidity of this film is sort of like that...for a full 124 minutes. Now, I'm all for Hollywood attempting new formulae for films, rather than the typical tale of: 1) guy meets girl, 2) guy fights with girl, 3) guy shows vulnerable side that entices girl, 4) guy saves girl's life, and 5) a wedding. However, how overboard should a deviation from this formula be...? First of all, Ricki is a lesbian. Not a lesbian as in "Hello I'm Anne Heche who dated a man then a woman then got pregnant with my husband," though a proud, full-fledged, what-do-I-need-a-man-for lesbian. What nincompoop thought that the best way to make it look "iffy" as to whether Lopez and Affleck would get together, is to make her character a lesbian, only to have her sleep with Gigli anyway...? That's silly. Let's be fair: there could have been a good film here. If this was a sort of male-female "buddy comedy" where the man is straight and the woman is a lesbian, fine. If this was a sort of action movie where they wanted to concentrate on the action by making it impossible for Gigli and Ricki to "hook up," fine. Though that's not what this is. Why have movie posters where Affleck and Lopez look adoringly into each other's eyes, if it was? No, this is a sort of public service message, that lesbians may be right about not needing men, yet should sleep with men anyway. Huh?!? It doesn't help that the allegedly "sexy" dialog spikes the ball. We're even given a monolog by Ricki about how the male organ is obsolete and the female organ is king...er, queen. This is combined with a sexy yoga routine as if to say, gee, if seeing Jennifer Lopez in various contortions turns you on, the crap she's saying must be true. Then Ricki "proves" her point that she has no need for the male organ in her life, by sleeping with Larry. Why? Because she's a jackass. Hey, no problem: Larry's a jackass too. If she forgot protection, they could have jackass kids. What a wonderful romance this is...for jackasses. Yes, it gets worse. Just why are Ricki and Larry brought together at all? The answer is idiotic: they're supposed to watch over a mentally challenged geek, Brian (Justin Bartha). Call it bad acting or bad directing, but it's hard to know whether Brian is supposed to be a hormonal "Rain Man," or if he's just a geek whose brain got permanently fried after taking serious drugs. Why kidnap this pitiable wretch? Apparently, Brian is the younger brother of a federal prosecutor who needs intimidation. It can be wondered that, if Brian is the best family member to kidnap to entice this prosecutor, then Brian must be his only family member. The poor guy. Allow me to cut to the chase. There is simply no point to this movie. None. It is an alleged mob movie, without any shootouts. It is allegedly suspenseful, without any noteworthy chases. Take heed, fans of Jennifer and Ben: it is an alleged romance movie, without any romance. Let's put it this way: the only nudity here is a butt cheek peek from Gigli's mother. Yes; HIS MOM!!! As for Ricki; she's the sort of lesbian who has sex while still wearing her robe. I'm sure there are people who are not going to this movie just to see Jennifer Lopez naked, though I'm pretty sure they aren't going to see it to see Lainie Kazan naked, either. Given that this is the last bastion of hope of wanting to see this movie at all, my point is clear: there is simply no point to this movie. What a waste.
The DVD: At the risk of needing a shower after dripping with so much sarcasm: thank you! Nothing on the DVD to summarize in the way of extras aside from a few film trailers. Now I move this Movie review to the DVD section with ease, without having to so much as rent the DVD to see any extras (I mean really; do you need me to review the trailers?). See you later in a much better movie, Ben and Jen!
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