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Techtite's DVD Reviews! |
"The only reason someone would want to see this film is if they are fans of the original film. Well, this film is nothing like the original, so there's really no reason to see it is there?" --from the review
------------- Sidebar :: ------------- Darth Macabre Recommends. P.S.: Here's a list I'd like to add, of some great horror movies that you can rent when NOT seeing this remake. Mimic. This is a gem, which sucks only because it made so little money. Mira Sorvino genetically enhances an insect to quickly adapt to its environment. She forgot to account for an instinct for survival, so the insect just keeps on adapting, into a hive of giant insects that can resemble humans in the dark streets of NY. This is how a really nail biting horror movie should be like. Great film editing here. Hellraiser. If you like your Halloween movies bloody, nothing's bloodier than the film that put Clive Barker's name on the cinema map. Oh, and don't forget to go buy Clive Barker's Undying for your computer, if your computer can handle it. Mine can't yet (@#$%!!!) Halloween 3. This was the only Halloween movie to date with no sign of Michael Meyers. Instead there's this cove of witches with a vendetta to settle. This was perhaps the most imaginative Halloween series movie since the very first. Beware of the open ending though! The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The 1974 original. Why see the remake for more $$$, when you can simply rent the original? DUH!
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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Guest Review by Darth MacabreA review of both The Film and The DVD (extras)! The Film: Listen up Hollywood! Movies do not need a movie "remade" about them. If they do, don't just say "Let's make more money from the saps who go to this thinking it's going to be anything like the original." Movies aren't remade just to make more money from old fans. Well okay maybe they are. However I am pretty sure such remakes are supposed to be at least something like the original film. Cutting to the chase: Michael Bay's remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a disappointment. This is the understatement of the century. This is also coming from someone who knows, not an anti-horror zealot. I'm not one of those clueless critics who goes to a horror movie then says, "What a brutal movie!" This is not a sucky movie because it's a brutal movie, which in horror films is half the point. This film sucks because it sucks. It really, really sucks. In the words of Homer Simpson this is quite possibly the suckiest suck that ever sucked. People who need a storyline summary here are missing the whole point. Gee, what can be interpreted from the title. Maybe it has something to do with Texas. And a chainsaw. And a Massacre. "Hey, is this a horror movie?" asks the clueless theater patron. Ding Ding Ding! You win the prize! Unfortunately the prize is a total turkey of a remake, with little in common with the original film than a chainsaw. Any other similarities are plain and simple dumb luck. The problem with making a remake is imagination. You must know what was a dated concept and modernize it. Then you must know what was cool about the first film and not delete it! This remake fails on both fronts. Every classic scene from the original film is gone. Yet every dated 1970's horror film concept is still there. Stupid people do stupid things in this film for no reason than to see them get slaughtered. Yes I've read the pro-reviews. One critic even offered a second opinion from another critic (who loathed the film with the intensity of a thousand suns) only to say, "This is exactly what will happen to you if you carry the original in the theater with you." Why else would someone go to this movie? There's simply no point to a remake otherwise. The only thing that would keep someone in their seat for this film is if they were fans of the original and were thinking "maybe it gets better"...which it doesn't. Those who aren't fans of the original will be leaving skid marks. It would take too much time (and far less than a two page limit) to explain this film's mistakes. Let's start with the idiocy of the characters. Don't get me wrong because I'm all for idiocy in movies. I love to laugh at characters who are dumb and dumber. I just ask for common sense. There's a difference between going into the left door when you should have gone into the right door (an understandable mistake) and the sort of stuff going on here. It's as if these people want to get killed. Yet whenever they seem to have half a wit the script demands that the laws of reality are bent so that they screw up anyway. Here's an example. Someone hides from the villain in a closet. Just when it seems like she's smart enough to shut up and keep quiet, a batch of rats come out from nowhere and give away her position. I know little about rats though I don't think they make their homes in small closets. If they do, I doubt they would suddenly pop out when someone is there. This is the only reason she gets caught, and it's a stupid one. It ruins all possible tension from the scene. Yes, said intended victim is Jessica Biel. She of the T-shirt that soon becomes a wet T-shirt. What's more: she tied the shirt so that it bares her belly button. I don't know why a woman who is running from a guy who wants to gut her like a fish would want to make sure her belly button is visible. It's just one more nitwit response to a nitwit situation in a movie about nitwits. On the other hand I really loved how Jessica Biel is running for her life, only to suddenly have the sprinklers spray on her. Hey if you're going to have a family of rats pop in out of nowhere why not have water inexplicably spray on a woman with a flimsy T-shirt on? One thread of the original film stayed intact: John Larroquette as narrator. The downside is that what he's reading is garbage. There were times I wished this film was a remake of The Princess Bride, so a young Fred Savage could stop the narrator at all the parts of the story that made no sense. Example: If the police never learned what really happened, why does the film's prologue suggest this was all based on police record? When the movie ended, I really wanted more than what I got. This is not a hard comment to make because I left with nothing at all. It made me want Indiana Jones to swing in, see a guy wielding a chainsaw, then simply shoot the jerk with one good shot. Even a 5 minute film like that would be better than this. The DVD: For reasons about as unclear as mice living in a closet, this film is being released in both regular and special edition versions. The regular version is the kind of DVD of a poor film I like. It has the TV spots and film trailers and the music video. I could end the review early with a DVD that humble, for a seriously bad film. Things are not that simple however. Someone left their brain home when going to work one day and decided to make a separate special edition of the film. I'll admit diehard fans will probably love this option and get the two disc set. The trouble is these people would buy a two disc set even if the second disc was completely blank. Aside from such fanatics one may wonder if the two disc set is worth it. I don't know how to answer that since I barely thought the film was worth any DVD release at all. The worst part of the special edition is that it's a cheap sales ploy. Even from a cheap sales ploy perspective it's a cheap sales ploy. Consider the alternate opening and closing of the film. These alternate scenes are hardly any different from the original versions. When I hear alternate opening and closing on a box I want to see something major. Then again I wanted to see a major film and look what I got. Deleted scenes offer one memorable detail. I say it was memorable because I'm not a professional critic and don't take notes while watching. All I can remember is an alternate scene where our heroine confesses that she's pregnant. It's an amusing deleted scene though I must agree with whoever cut the scene that it has no point being in the movie. Aside from the same trailers and music video the special edition offers two documentaries, three commentaries, cast screen tests, an art gallery, and an option for PC owners with a DVD drive to see the film while the original script scrolls alongside it. That last detail is pretty neat I admit, though I've seen it before for much better films. As for the documentaries and commentaries there is way too little of Jennifer Biel, and she's the only reason to watch this remake in the first place. I will admit that there were points of this special edition that made me take notice. There's a collectible metal plaque cover to enjoy, plus crime scene photos as if you had the actual police investigation photos in your hands. Yet for every little detail the DVD does right there's one big mistake it does wrong. I think the makers of the film confess too much when during the cast screen tests it's very clear that the main reason most of the cast was hired is because they could scream very well. Some people would say that a good scream is the most important part of a good horror movie. Those people would be wrong.
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