Techtite DVD Reviews

The Film: Never before have I seen a comic book film that was so altered from the original source material, that only the agnostic filmgoer can enjoy it. More often, fans of comic books must plead for non-fans to go see the films that are based on their favorite characters. When it comes to Catwoman, I defy you to find a single fan who is happy with this film, which oddly enough, has nothing to do with the comics at all. Sadly, that's the least of this film's many mistakes.

A lot has been said in preview hype about how unforgiving the fans of Catwoman comics have been, about this film's complete departure from the original comics. Excuse, please; aren't they the core audience for whom this film was made for? Such publicity hype implies that you must have an open mind, unclosed to what Catwoman could be, even if she truly isn't. Uh-huh, okay; consider this the last comparison I'll make between this film and the comics. Let's just play with the notion that the title "Catwoman" is just a coincidence. It isn't --even the opening credits confess that the characters are based on those by Batman's comic creator, Bob Kane-- but let's pretend it is, and see how it fares.

That being said, here's the back story to this Catwoman. Patience Philips (Halle Berry) is a meek, nerd-like girl, who witnesses a crime and is inevitably killed by her attackers. She is brought back to life by some sort of magical cat from old Egyptian mythology (hey; I don't write it, I just review it), and now finds herself embodied with the powers (?) of your typical house cat. What this basically means is that she can make her eyeballs turn into slits and she has a fascination for catnip. Oh; and in delicious irony, she also likes to bitch.

Allow me to make one, singular compliment about this film, straight out: Halle Berry would've, could've, and should've been a perfect Catwoman...in a different movie. From the first time she uses the trademark Catwoman line "purrrfect," it's clear she is a fine feline female for the role. In fact, there are two scenes in particular that were actually fun to watch, almost entirely thanks to Halle: the one when she's talking to her office friend while effortlessly balancing on top of furniture, and the one when she foils a jewel heist, in her first role as Catwoman. So, no; if you're looking for a scapegoat, oh those who made this film: Halle isn't it.

As you'd expect; the first real mistake of this film is the story. Little time is spent over Patience's reactions to becoming a human cat, with too much time spent on flashy FX scenes...none of which are very good. The CGI stunt double of Halle, in particular, might as well be an 8-bit 1980's 2D video game character. What's more; the film editing tricks elsewhere are even worse! In one particularly worthless sequence, I can only imagine the cinematographer was trying to show us that she can now see things even if they are a total blur, as she jets down the road in her flashy new cat-motorcycle. The problem is, that's all this scene is: one big blur of lights, for a motorcycle ride that seems to take forever. What was the point of this?

You may wonder who the "big bad" super-villain is in this movie. The idea here is that Catwoman's nemesis intends to release some make-up, regardless of its horrible side-effects if used too much. What's weird about this story is that the finale implies that Catwoman must stop the release of this make-up to the public, "just in time." Yet her best friend is in the hospital because of using this make-up too much. How could her friend be in the hospital for using make-up that hasn't been released to the public yet?

I've often felt that great superhero films need one of two things: either the title character struggles with some intense lessons about being a hero, or at least, there's some flashy FX scenes to enjoy. In Superman, we felt for Clark Kent as he forwent his father's demands to "not interfere with Earth history," which he must disobey, or else Lois Lane will die. In Spider-Man, we felt Peter Parker's angst as he realized he could've saved his Uncle from being killed, with him inevitably learning that with great power comes great responsibility. Then there are the films (many of them) which may not have such emotion but, at the very least, the FX are cool. This film has none of the above. Catwoman steals a bag's worth of jewelry --only to return it to police-- with no three-dimensionality, nor explanation, for either decision. . As for FX: yes, kids, the final battle is a cat-fight, but not a very believable one, nor one with a lot of FX. It even has some pretty sappy dialog, with the villain saying lame lines like "Game Over!" and Catwoman responding, "It's overtime!" Huh...???

Speaking of cat ladies: It doesn't help when at least two very dragging portions of the movie are of Patience needing to be told by a cat-lady shaman (of sorts) what has happened to her, and what it means. Come on now; isn't this borderline sexist? Peter Parker doesn't need anyone to tell him the "how" and "why" to him becoming a spider(-man), nor did he have to be shown what powers he had; he figures out his powers all by himself. Patience is a little slow, so she needs a cat-shaman to explain to her...what? That she can now eat tuna directly from the can...?

Then there's the costume. Yes, I promised no allusions to the comics (does mentioning that promise again, itself, break the promise?), but even an agnostic movie critic must agree: this costume is pretty dumb. What's really bizarre to me was how her first "costume" in this film looks great: a tight leather outfit and masquerade ball style mask that is, indeed, absolutely purrrrfect for the role. Then she's suddenly wearing a stupider mask and an outfit that looks like little miss Poster Girl For Animal Prozac scratched her own pants. Why the change in outfits? Even the movie dares not offer an explanation. I'm guessing the CGI FX guys made her CGI stunt double look this dumb, and it cost too much to correct the error. Whatever. The fact is: it detracts from the whole last half of the film, to see Catwoman look so ridiculous.

There are many unwritten laws in Hollywood, that are unwritten only because it seems like they are so obvious. That said, add this to the list: when making a movie about a beloved comic book character, read the comics! This character has existed in Batman comic book lore for so long, with such three-dimensionality, that she even has her own spin-off comic these days. When this movie fails --which it shall, opening day hype notwithstanding-- various cast and crew members will be made into the scapegoats for its demise. Oddly, the fact checking department will not be among them. I doubt this film had one.

The DVD: Unlike Stepford Wives, you have to give the makers of this film credit: yes, they're aware of the choices they made, even if the distributors of this DVD would not allow them to confess that they were bad choices per se. They were, but confessing that you made such bold storyline choices is the first step toward recovery.

In short: what was up with that pitiful excuse of a Catwoman costume? For that matter: where was the fans' Catwoman...? These questions and more are answered via the longest featurette on the disc, showing "the many faces of Catwoman." You know; it really says something about a film when the longest featurette on its disc involves what happened to the characters long before the film was ever made. Still, it's a fantastic summary of the character, and even shows a bit of Batman, in order to further explain their relationship through the years. Oh, yeah, there's also a behind the scenes featurette, and it is well under 15 minutes, so maybe you should take pity on the crew of this film and take a look at it.

This all leads to the ---gasp!-- exciting alternate ending. I've heard many sales pitches before, but never "exciting alternate ending," as if confessing that the original ending was not that exciting. Sorry, but to change the ending of this film one would have to literally alter the entire movie's dynamic, from the laughable main villain's "super power," to that idiotic Catwoman costume (and no, I haven't said enough about that costume yet). To give you an idea how exciting this alternate ending is, spoilers notwithstanding: it's long after the final battle, and the only real change it makes is how the charges against Catwoman have mysteriously all been dropped as she kisses the policeman who fancies her. That's all there is friend. As for any additional deleted scenes; you'll forgive me if I don't even bother to list them here, this being a one-half star movie out of five.

In the end, call me a masochist if you must, but I really hope they try again with a Catwoman movie, only this time give fans the movie they were promised. Is it too much to hope for, to ask that next time the writer of the script has actually read the original stories? At the bare minimum they should've seen that cool Batman animated series. There was literally a dozen ways they could've made a cool movie about a woman with feline superpowers. This wasn't one of them.

	Final Rating : Burnout. Even Halle Berry cannot save a disaster of a film like this. That's too bad, because Halle would be a fine Catwoman ...in some another movie.
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Catwoman

A Techtite Review