Techtite DVD Reviews

The Film: Let's be honest: The Stepford Wives' original 1975 form was a sexist thriller: a "thriller," that is, only because of its sexist premise, where scientists curb the sexual revolution though obedient robot females. However, if you aren't going to stay at least slightly true to the original film in a remake: why bother? Well, maybe they gave this feministic version of the tale a green light, because of the big names on the marquee. Frank Oz (What About Bob?) directs; Nicole Kidman and Matthew Broderick star in the lead roles. It sounds like a hit, doesn't it? However, this is garbage. In the end, the only amusement I had when seeing this film was in realizing how much a piece of sexist garbage can be rewritten to appeal to women, and still be sexist garbage.

The story is based, very loosely, on the original 1975 film, which itself was based on a novel by Ira Levin. In the otherwise unremarkable upper-class suburbia of Stepford, chauvinist men have found a way to replace their feminist wives with obedient look-alike automatons. Enter the community's newest residents: Walter (Matthew Broderick) and his wife, Joanna (Nicole Kidman). Joanna is the sort of soulless businesswoman who feels that the best way to make it big is to be as emotionless, cold, and shallow as your typical male chauvinist pig. Walter is her mousy husband. She and Walter feel Stepford will be a fresh start...though how and why they ever believed this is not very clear.

See, right off the bat this film fails. The whole sales pitch here is to be "shocked" at the notion of Joanna being replaced by a cold machine. Um, given how uncaring she seems to be...so what? Joanna just got fired from her job as a reality TV show producer, when a humiliated contestant tried to have her shot. What's worse: she is just as cold at home, with Walter revealing they haven't had sex in two years. If Ms. Ice is replaced by a cold, shallow machine, do we get points for noticing?

Here's where the unintentional humor begins. See; we're supposed to believe Joanna is some sort of genius for realizing right away, that something is amiss at Stepford. Um...duh? All the wives look like something from the 1950's: a sight that even a 2004 housewife would think is pretty screwy. Yet "genius" Joanna never thinks there's anything really weird here, so she stays put, until the ridiculous finale. This is the first sign of a bad film: when even the most imbecilic of village idiot schmucks would run from the town screaming, as soon as they saw a malfunctioning "wife" shoot sparks from her head. Yet Joanna stays, simply because the film requires her to, not because of any plausibility in the decision. It's as if someone whispered in Joanna's ear, "Psst! It's not the final reel of the film yet. You have to stay longer." There's no other excuse for Joanna to stay around here, unless she's one major imbecile.

That's the problem: the prime difference between human and machine is emotion, and there isn't any emotion here. In What About Bob?, by stark contrast, director Frank Oz showed a menagerie of emotions, from Bob's multiple phobias to his psychiatrist slowly losing his mind when trying to deal with them. Likewise for writer Paul Rudnick, whose prior screenplay In & Out showed the many emotions of a teacher forced to come out of the closet, just days before a heterosexual wedding. Those were admirable films, with admirable signs of emotion. In this film, it's hard to tell man from machine, reducing any point to the story.

Here's an example of what-should've-happened. Imagine a crying child running to robo-mommy with a scraped knee. See; a real mother would take care of that right away, only to have "robo-mom" quickly slap a band-aid on the kid, and unemotionally go back to her chores. That is the whole point of not wanting a robot for a wife: the total lack of love or compassion. In order to make this story show any weight, you have to actually feel something for the human characters. How are we supposed to do this, when we learn one of Joanna's favorite books is a novelist's rant against her mother, I Love You But Please DIE...? Not only that, but notice throughout the film: at no point do you see Joanna and Walter kiss, or hug, or even hold hands. Are these the sort of , "human" lives we're supposed to root for in this emotionless picture? I'm just asking.

Okay; the film isn't very heartfelt. Is it funny? Not by much The only humor is via Joanna's two new Stepford friends, Bobbi (Bette Midler) and Roger (Roger Bart), yet on the most part they are present only to add a few tired Jewish jokes (Bobbi) and flamboyantly gay stereotype jokes (Roger). The good news: neither actor needs to worry about theirs being The Most Embarrassing Moment Intended For Laughs in this film. That "honor" would go to Glenn Close, who as a Stepford aerobics instructor must tell her class "Okay girls! Let's Act like washing machines! Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga!" I'm no Glenn Close fan, but I truly felt sorry for her when I saw this scene.

Speaking of Glen Close: this film has been terribly miscast. Even if you like Glen Close or Nicole Kidman, comedy is not their strong point. Then again: comedy would certainly be Matthew Broderick's strong point, and yet the man who helped make The Producers such a hit on Broadway is wasted as mere window dressing here. As for Bette Midler: were you trying to show us that you could perform in a comedy that was actually worse than Hocus Pocus? If that is the case: point taken.

As for FX: what FX? I admit, this comedy had little budget to work with. However, you'd expect a modern tale of robotics would offer more visuals than a totally stupid looking Stepford dog (I kid you not), who is supposed to be either eerily cute, or just plain creepy, yet winds up being neither. Not only is this done with poor visual FX; he isn't even lifelike by Toy Story standards. What's more; aside from cheap spark FX and flashy lights; little is shown here of said stepford wives, which would've added to the creepiness of this thriller. This is simply one of many ways this film could've been better, yet really wasn't.

Mind you: I am not a critic to spoil the ending to a film. However, I must warn you that the ending to this film makes no sense. In fact, it actually seems to have been written by someone who never even bothered to watch the rest of the movie. I'm not kidding! Let me try to explain this, spoilers at bay. The concept of the whole film is that these women have been replaced by robots, correct? How else could earlier scenes include sparks flying out their heads when malfunctioning, or even more robotic, when money is popping out their mouth when requested, like walking bank tellers...? Yet in order to provide a saccharinely feminist-friendly ending, it's implied that these Stepford Woman can become human again with little more than a few pressed buttons. What...?!?!? Then what was up with the Stepford wife who had money coming out her mouth? Are we to imagine that with a simple jaw transplant, she'll be good as new? What a stupid ending.

In conclusion, I can only imagine how this film could've fared under different leadership. Imagine the darkly macabre thriller that could've transpired, under the hands of David Fincher (Se7en). Imagine the sort of uplifting, Cocoon-like tale directed by Ron Howard. There's even the possibility Steven Spielberg could've been coaxed to make a remake, with science fiction thrills at every turn. Sure, the aforementioned directors had their fare share of flops in their lives --Alien3, Willow, and 1941, anyone?-- though such flops are not to be taken lightly. The Stepford Wives, in the end, may be the sort of film Frank Oz spends his entire life trying to forget he ever did. I wish him the best luck in trying.

The DVD: You may be asking; what does it take to make a "Special Collector's Edition" of an unmitigated box office disaster? Why, all it takes is a lot of denial, a director willing to show us said denial in an entire commentary, and best of all, nearly a full dozen deleted scenes, showing how bad could've easily gone to worse!

Allow me the common courtesy of simply telling you there are five featurettes, without viewing them. It's the eve of "Turkey Day," after all, and at the risk of being blunt I've not found the time for such details in an admitted box office turkey, pun slightly intended. Then again, there is a gag reel to show that such a fine cast actually had fun in their roles, which is good news, I suppose. There are also the original film trailers to remind me why I had such high hopes for this film prior to seeing it.

Then there's the deleted scenes. Most of these are abandoned special FX frenzies for a film that admittedly shouldn't have bothered with such FX under such a low budget, though it does confirm one thing; at no point was it implied that these women were not replaced by robots. In fact, the very fact Nicole Kidman's character is looking at a bald robotic doppelganger of herself (a scene that was even spoiled in the trailers) implies that is exactly what happened. So what's with the ending, which spoilers notwithstanding, implies that the wives are back to normal with the mere destruction of the "super computer" that controls them? This is asinine, and the deleted scenes --including one particularly hammed up performance by Better Midler as a now-"robot"-- make it look even worse.

Then there is the audio comment track by Oz. In three words: "biggest denial ever"...well, by a film director anyway! Listeners to this comment track will long for the more honest commentary on such DVDs as Josie and the Pussycats, where directors Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont thank listeners for finally "buying, renting, or stealing" the DVD to see it. Then there's the humble joke by the folks behind "The Last Man," where when a person mused if there was nudity in the film they could've made another million extra at the box office, only to have the director muse, "You mean *a* million!" That's a lot more entertaining than a once flawless director in a sorry state of denial. As a result, I cannot even recommend renting this DVD. Wait for it on cable TV, or even networks, presuming you still wish to see it anyway.

	Final Rating : Burnout. Some feminist film critics gave this remake higher-than-deserved marks for its revised feminist finale, but to me a humorless comedy is worthless.
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The Stepford Wives

A Techtite Review