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Survivor Review, Part 2:
The Finale, The Winners, The Cheaters...
A Review by Techtite
Well, ever since writing my earlier review of
the series, it's been a bumpy ride until the end-of-summer finale. With the final show aired
and done with (thank heaven!), allow me to review the show based on its
cast(aways), similar to how I reviewed the past
Saturday Night Live season :
Sonja Best Nickname : Tiny Tim's Grandma Summary : How
long would Tiny Tim, singing "Tiptoe Through The Tulips,"
survive on the show? About 1 minute through the song! By comparison, the ukulele-touting Sonja didn't survive much longer, and was the first to go.
Voted Off : 1st High Point : Say what you will, though even
the first contestant went home with an estimated $2,500, without having to
eat bugs, itch flea bites, get into messy verbal battles, or anything else. Low Point : Being
the first to endure that ridiculously dorky "flame ritual" at
Tribal Council. Rating : 
Near Miss (voted off too soon to give
otherwise).
B.B. Best Nickname : "Tides...? What tides?" Summary
: You rest assured BB was never a building contractor, or at least not
of beach housing. He demanded that his team's tent was built in the middle of the beach, then the team has to move
that tent, because of a little thing called tides. If
he wasn't voted off already, he would've been anyway. Voted Off : 2nd
High Point : Much Like Sonja, he goes home with an estimated $2,500 --and
even a Reebok commercial deal-- after staying on the island less than a
week. Low Point : Asking team members if they
wanted to lose the next competition on
purpose, so they could vote off someone they didn't like. Not
surprisingly, he was voted off next. Rating :
Near Miss.
Stacey
Best Nickname : "Ginger Lite" Summary : Considered
by some Gilligan's Island fans to be the closest the "castaways"
came to having a "Ginger" in the group, Stacey was the alluring Attorney
who, sadly, had little to contribute. On the other hand, she was a good
sport, and helped her pre-Alliance Tagi team win their fist immunity challenge...in bug
eating! Personally, I wish she was on the show a bit longer. Let's just say hearing her whine about dirty
spoons was much less grating than Susan's incessant, gruff-voiced, cynical belly-aching. Voted
Off : 3rd High Point : After complaining about the bug eating
contest, she was a good sport to go through with it for the sake of the
team. Low Point : Getting booted in the very next episode! Rating
:  Small Crater.
Ramona Best Nickname : Oprah Lite Summary : It
seems like Ramona has been talking ever since her "voted-off"
show aired...and she hasn't stopped talking since. When anyone has a
question, she's there. When the most recent voted-off castaway decides to
not be interviewed, she's willing for another interview. Entertainment
Weekly magazine even had a two part summary of her diary written
on the island, which will likely be made into a nice book deal. If she
spent half as much time being social on the island, maybe she
would've lasted longer. Voted Off : 4th High
Point : Her humorous reaction to her starving team cooking rats;
"As hungry as they get in the ghetto, they never eat the rat!" Low
Point : Took one too many naps on the island...probably why she was
voted off. Rating:
Small Crater.
Dirk Best Nickname : Bible Belt Beach Bum Summary :
This guy was certainly relaxed and congenial on the show, though how much
is too much? While I'm as religious as the next guy, there's a time and a
place for Bible reading --or reading of any kind-- and moments when his
best efforts should have been to help his fellow teammates survive,
was not the best time. He survived for a
while by not making any waves, then ticked off the Cheater's Alliance, and
got voted off anyway. Voted Off : 5th High Point : You must
admit, in the year 2000, it's nice to see someone so devoted to religion. Low
Point : If he had caught a single fish when fishing, maybe he wouldn't
have been voted off so soon. Rating :
Small Crater
Joel Best Nickname : Moooo!
Summary :
Sure, Gervase brought it up, though coming from Joel, it apparently hurt
more. Gervase told his female Pagongers --Jenna, Colleen, and Gretchen--
that women are, at times, as dumb as cows. When you'd thing that would
make Gervase the next Pagoner, in comes Joel, saying that he felt, well,
sometimes women are "slightly" smarter than cows. That
"slightly" blurb, mentioned by Gretchen when voting him off, was his epitaph as a teammate. Voted Off :
6th High Point :
Looking to many as the possible guy to win, until voted off. Low Point
: Mooooo! Rating:
Small Crater.
Gretchen Best Nickname : Team Mom. Summary : Upon BB's
departure, this teacher (and former member of the Air Force) became the Queen Bee of the group. This caused many to
think she would win...until the Cheater's Alliance made her their first "Pagoner."
Voted Off :
7th. High Point : Keeping the spirit of the game --and the fun of
the game-- alive for so long. Low Point : Being so against creating
an "alliance" in her own team, only to get voted off by the other
team's alliance. Rating
:  Deep Impact (after all, millions thought --and hoped-- she'd win).
Greg
Best Nickname :
Coconut-Phone Boy Summary : While
he had his share of confidence, he also had his share of stupidity. From
acting like a coconut was a cellular phone, to comparing the irrepressibly
adorable Colleen to a kitten you'd kill for food if starving (ick), he
seemed to lose his mind overnight...then got voted off the night after! To attempt
to stay longer, he tried to become Richard's buddy by alluding to
homoerotic desires (nice try). As Richard said when voting him off,
"Goodnight, Sweetheart"...Goodbye. Voted Off :
8th. High Point : While still on the Pagong Team, he was pretty
funny Low Point : ...when the two teams became one, he
became a total spaz. Rating :
Near Miss.
Jenna Best Nickname : Best
bathing suit since Baywatch Summary
: Her emotional tears after not getting a video from home of her
kids, tugged on everyone's heart...except, apparently, iron-heart Susan.
Among all the blaze attitudes on the show --"Oh, I'm voted off?
Cool!"-- her tearful homesickness was truly poignant. If someone
didn't like her crying about missing her kids, they just never had kids! Voted
Off: 9th High Point : Not
falling for El Cheapo attempts to put romance in the show, when given a
candlelight lobster dinner with Sean. Low Point : Being so wishy-washy; the Cheater's Alliance could have been squashed
like a bug, very early on, if Jenna and other "loyal" Pagong
teammates kept focused. Rating : 
Large Crater.
Gervase Best Nickname : Slackers'
Hero Summary :
A major testament to slackers everywhere, this guy's success on the show
is a real pip. Given all of the naps he kept taking, along with his
inexperience at swimming, you'd think he wouldn't go that far. He did! As
for the reasons why, I guess all those naps pay off in the end, and gave
him enough reserve energy at the right moments. He won some
considerable challenges, including a raft contest against Tagi's River
Guide, Kelly. Even when napping, he was considered too much of a
"slacker" to be a threat...him tortoise, you hare? Voted Off
: 10th High Point : On the night of his obvious dismissal by
the "secret" cheater's alliance, he tapes a bulls-eye target on
his T-shirt; Sarcasm at its best. Low Point : Yeah, he did take a
few too many naps, didn't he? Rating :
Large Crater.
Colleen Best Nickname :
"Mary Ann" at 18. Summary
: Indubitably the cutest of all team members (accept it!). People who
try to force Gilligan's Island references into the show, see her as the
show's "Mary Ann"; the girl next door with a little spark.
Indeed, there were more muscular, athletic, and contributing
contestants on the show...yet few that were more likeable. How cute
is cute? Not even the Cheater's Alliance could bring themselves to vote
her off, until they felt they had to. Voted
Off : 11th High Point : Cuter than newborn puppies Low Point
: Awwww...do I have to give her one? Rating :
Deep Impact.
Sean Best Nickname : Doctor Alphabet Summary : For a
Neurologist, he's a bit of a doofus, isn't he? First he builds a fishing
reel that didn't catch one single fish. Later, his laughable
"alphabetical voting" rule upon the merger of the two teams
--voting impartially, in alphabetical order-- led to the Cheater's
Alliance winning the whole game. His one vote was the sole
reason why the Cheater's Alliance wasn't defeated, as early as episode 9.
Darn! Voted
Off: 12th High Point : I'll say one thing: Not since Dr. Seuss'
Horton Hears a Who, has there been a more profound message
on how every voice counts! Low Point : Trying
to make it "acceptable" to vote against the adorable Colleen, he
intentionally misspells her name "Cooleen." Dooo-fuuus! Rating
: Near Miss
Susan Best Nickname : Tanya Harding's evil Aunt
Summary
: Sue constantly whined about
others' contributions to the team, then backstabs the best team members,
via her Cheater's Alliance. Her defenders may ask: Why not create
an alliance? Well, why not land on someone's hotel in "Monopoly," and refuse
to pay? She later gets steamed that Kelly voted her off, and makes
a long-winded speech in the final episode.
Why was she so surprised at Kelly's "back-stabbing"? She was just doing what
Sue taught her to do
so well. Voted Off : unlucky 13th...how ironic High Point :
Sue's reaction to her home video showed a likeable sign of her you
would never have expected. Low Point : Sorry; a gruff-voiced whine,
is still a whine. Rating: 
Burnout.
Rudy Best Nickname :
A Y2K Archie Bunker Summary: As
the show progressed, Rudy's antics were a real hoot. From his quotable,
blunt comment about his liking Richard --"...not in a homosexual way,
that's for sure!"-- to bluntly jesting that Greg's video to home
"sounded like incest," he was the most bluntly honest of the
"final three," and certainly the least two
faced. Although he did indeed join the "Cheater's Alliance" of
the show, he did so only because he could've cared less, one way or
another. Such was classic of the ballsy attitude that was Rudy. Voted Off :
14th...darn! High Point : His macho facade became quite
soft-hearted seeing a video from home, as his wife showed him their
Granddaughter. Low Point : Taking several weeks to get used to! Rating
: Large Crater
Kelly Best Nickname : Susan's shadow. Summary :
After following Susan around like a dog on a leash, she got roped into the
Cheater's Alliance, if only because she didn't want to make waves. The
trouble is, by the time the teams merged, she saw some of the other, more congenial
members, of the other team, in a new light. Sure, this seemed like
"straddling the fence," and yet it was still more congenial than
Sue or Rich ever were, to the "Pogoners." Some have said
she was more two-faced than Richard. Isn't this like saying that, in Star
Wars' "The Empire Strikes Back," Lando was more two-faced to Han Solo than Darth Vader...? Intriguing angle...though a bit too liberal for me. Voted Off: The
100,000 dollar, second place winner. High Point : Not letting Susan bully her around any more,
near the end of the show. Low Point : Letting Susan bully her
around in the first place. Rating :
Small Crater
Richard Hatch Best Nickname :
Triqué Diqué (survivorsucks.com's frequently chosen nic) Summary : As everyone knows, Rich helped form the Cheater's
Alliance; a Tribal Council "safety net." He and Susan discussed
who to vote for beforehand, strong armed two others to vote with them,
then controlled the vote of who would leave. Why bother with Tribal
Council voting at all, if this is how someone is going to abuse the
responsibility? On the other hand, not surprisingly, this Cheater's
Alliance took him right to the top. Voted Off : Never; he won the million! High
Point : Voting for Greg --soon after Greg seemed to flip his wheels--
he hums a few bars of "Goodbye, Sweetheart, well, It's time to
go..." Low
Point : Walking around naked; would he have been this cocky,
without the alliance? Rating :
Burnout (however, as Bryant Gumbel said in the after-finale news show,
such opinions "don't cost [Richard] anything"...).
...so, what should I rate the show, as a whole? Well, given that my
initial rating for the show was Small Crater at best, I'd have to give the
show the same rating...on escrow. Mark Burnett must
put his foot down against Cheaters' Alliances on the next Survivor
show. How fun is it to watch people cheat? Until then, I'll say G'day, mate, until
Superbowl Night in 2001
(E.T.A.) brings us the premiere of Survivor II, in the Australian Outback!
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graphics, and pix not of reviewed product, are created by Techtite,
copyright 2000; all rights reserved. Screen captures of program
reviewed are discrete thumbnails, used only for the purpose of
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