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Survivor II: The Australian Outback
Once Again: The Finale, The Winners,
And of course, The Cheaters...
I don't think it's necessary to make a
review per se, of the show itself; I already said what needed to be said
of the show as a whole, during the premiere of
the first Survivor. However, much like Saturday Night Live
(and my review of that show last season), this
series depends a lot more on its contestants' charisma than anything
else. How do I rate the Survivor-2 players, compared to the
original players? Read on :
 Debb Eaton Best Nickname :
The at-least-I-didn't-meet-Jerri game player. Summary :
If Debb was assigned to the Ogakor team, what a difference her
experience would have been. After all, the possibility of a bond between
this prison guard, and policewoman Maralyn, and military man Kel, would
have been great. Too bad for her, then, that she was assigned to the Koochie-koochie Kuchas.
Sure, she was unanimously voted off, when a ruse to try to vote off Jeff, backfired.
However, everyone nation-wide saw her
outpouring of emotions, when confessing her hurt feelings
during the live, finale "Reunion special." She apparently took
the whole first-voted-off thing very personally. Look at the bright side, Debb;
you didn't starve for 43 days, you didn't have to eat a bug, and you
didn't ever have to lock horns with Jerri. Feel better...? Booted Off :
1st High Point : Her one single vote
--for Jeff- would come back to bite him by episode 7, causing the whole shift of power in the tribe merger! Now that's
power. Low Point : As sad as her national-televised outbreak of
emotions was, she shouldn't have given the saccharine other players the
satisfaction. Rating : 
Small Crater.
Kel Gleason Best Nickname :
When asked, DO tell! Summary : Did he
or didn't he have beef jerky to eat, that he kept to himself while
his team was starving? Obviously, we know the answer is NO;
each contestant/player is allowed ONE, and only one luxury item from home,
and his was a shaving kit. However, in one of
many maneuvers that earned Jerri the appearance of being the "Wicked
Witch" of the tribe, Jerri fueled the suspicions, and due to other teammates never being that bright to begin with, they
voted him off.
Booted Off: 2nd High Point :
Having his comeuppance, much like Debb; the following immunity
challenges were athletic-oriented, which Kel would have breezed through.
Voting him off began Ogakor's near-contant losing streak, right up
until the tribes merged. Low Point :
When he was asked about the jerky, he should have been far more blunt and
honest about such accusations. Rating :
Small Crater.
Maralyn "Mad Dog" Hershey
Best Nickname : Too much bark, not
enough bite. Summary : Her
tough-as-nails attitude garnered a lot of respect from her teammates.
Unfortunately, this retired police officer could not keep up with the
rigorous challenges as much as she could in her youth, and when
that became mixed with her too-honest-for-her-own-good attitude, she was
only the second Ogakor member to ever leave the show. Booted Off :
3rd High Point :
Even though she was slower, she was more capable than some of the other team members. Low Point :
Helping to vote off Kel in the earlier tribal council, when she told
him she wouldn't; similar shenanigans led to her own, unexpected
ousting. Rating : 
Near Miss (helping to vote off Kel, when she said she wouldn't vote
against him, was pretty rotten).
Mitchell Olson Best Nickname :
Tie-Breaker Casualty Summary : In a
3-3 vote, Ogakor tribe was in an apparent little civil war of sorts, with
one side rallying behind Keith, the other behind Mitchell. However, the
real confrontations here were between Jerri and Keith, not
Mitchell at all; why didn't they try to vote off Jerri? This was yet another
poorly executed plan at Ogakor. Booted Off :
4th High Point : He had the height
and leg span to be good at races, presuming Ogakor thought about it. They
didn't. Low Point:
Having that one prior vote against him, in a prior tribal council (by
Survivor Rules, this decides a double tie-breaker). Rating :
Near Miss (anyone who pals around with Jerri as a "reliable"
ally, deserves a near-miss).
 Kimmi Kappenberg Best Nickname :
Vegetarian Jumping Bean. Summary : Her
non-stop talking made her a likely casualty from day one! However, by episode 5, she
did finally have a point; Michael
Skupin
killing a wild pig --when they had more than enough chicken and fish
already -- was
pointless. I'm no vegetarian like Kimmi, though even the likes of TV Guide
griped about this pointlessly violent maneuver of Skupin's, and deservedly
so. Unfortunately for Kimmi, Alicia apparently loves
pork for dinner, and got into this almost embarrassing, finger-waving battle
with Kimmi over...a pig! Weaker, sheepish teammates rallied behind the
bigger mouth, which, apparently, was Alicia's. Booted Off :
5th High Point : Thanks, Kimmi, for
saying what we were all thinking at the time; Michael was truly nuts
when killing that pig! Low Point :
Her blabbing of her teammate's votes against Jeff led to the entire team's slow demise. When that includes
Elisabeth and Rodger, this is not good. Rating :
Small Crater (though just by a hair; her adamant vegetarianism is to be
commended).
 Michael Skupin Best Nickname :
Proof that war paint is a possible hallucinogen. Summary : What can you say about
a man, whose chosen "luxury item" --the one thing they
can bring to help them in the outback-- is war paint? This guy painted
himself (no pun intended) as a born predator, and killed a pig in one of
the more controversial Survivor episodes ever shown. Before Skupin gloats
too much about his victorious kill, keep in mind this was a baby-sized pig, that was running from a
forest fire by the time Michael eventually caught up with
it. However, It's hard to put down Skupin, after a tragic fire accident of
his own, rendered
him with serious burns, forcing him to leave the show. However, online jokes, that his accident was a "pig
curse" or caused by "the ghost of the pig" deserve a small grin or
two. Booted Off : Well, actually he
wasn't booted; he was "automatically" 6th
to go High Point : Realizing that, if
he hadn't fallen into that fire, Kucha would have rolled on its
majority-rules chariot to an easy victory over Ogakor, when the tribes
merged... Low Point : Killing that
pig; totally unnecessary. Rating :
Near Miss (thanks to his macho ineptitude, the Oga-losers...won!)
 Jeff Varner Best Nickname :
One person, One vote! Summary : Who
would think that one, single, solitary vote --in the very
first episode!-- would effectively come back to haunt Jeff, 6 episodes
later? How powerful this vote turned out to be; when the teams were tied
at 5-5, it came down to who was ever voted against in a prior tribal council.
Jeff's one vote against him --from the very first show!-- was the deciding factor...and suddenly, The
Three Stooges Alliance had their chance at victory. Booted Off: 7th High Point :
Up to this point, he frequently had something far more insightful to say than most players. Low Point:
Though only low, to a point; before expecting to leave, he
secretly took all 13 fish the team had caught for dinner. Nyah, nyah! Rating :
Large Crater (Up to episode 7, many even thought he could win).
 Alicia Calaway Best Nickname :
The Meat-Eater That Met Her Match Summary : Sure,
when the meat-eating arguments came to a boil between her and Kimmi, the
tribe rallied to Alicia's side and it was buh-bye Kimmi. However, what
would happen when this tough-as-nails attitude met the other team, in a
merger of the two tribes? Not too well, I'm afraid. Aside from the
tactical maneuver of voting off Jeff 1st, Alicia was the first player from
the former-Kucha-team that they felt had to go. Booted Off :
8th High Point : Regardless of her
relatively arrogant behavior, her teammates did seem to like her. Low Point :
Defending Michael's ridiculous, grotesque, unnecessary
pig-kill. Word up, Alicia...Kimmi was absolutely right. Rating :
Near Miss (let's just say I don't like finger-waving).
Jerri Manthey Best Nickname :
The Wicked Witch of the Barroom Summary :
This bartender sure knows how to get people riled! So effective was
her methods of getting under  people's skin --either inadvertently, or
deliberately-- her departure led to ballyhoos from across the media.
"Yippeee!"
said a Chicago Sun Times reporter, while MSNBC, E! Online, et al, all said
something quite similar. So, you may ask, why the Techtite rating of
"Near miss," and not a lowest possible grade of
"burnout"...? Well, let's just say she was a lot like Puck on MTV's The Real World; annoying as all
get-out, and yet when gone, the show seemed way too nicey-nicey, and quite
frankly, a bit dull. Much like the Batman movies after they killed the
Joker, it's hard to admit it, though this series needed a Jerri...to
root against, and to keep you from falling asleep. Booted Off:
9th High Point: Admit it; her shenanigans
made her hard to ever forget. Low Point:
Her shenanigans make her hard to ever forget!. Rating:
Near Miss.
Nick Brown Best Nickname :
Who's Nick...? Summary : Probably the
least recognizable member of the former-Kucha-tribe, Nick was about to get
booted as #9, yet lucked out by winning the immunity necklace. He lost in episode 10, and got
booted by then; a
no-brainer. Booted Off : 10th High Point :
Keeping low enough to have lasted this far, without making as many
waves as Kimmi, Debb, and so on. Low Point :
Not doing anything to help out when the tribe was at their weakest on
episode 10; this make his exit even more easy to accept. Rating :
Small Crater ("staying low" means a low grade, unfortunately).
Amber Brkich Best Nickname :
Puppet Mastered Summary : Why did she
create such a fine rapport with...Jerri? Is there an angle to Jerri we
don't know about? As it stands, it seems like there's a side to Amber we
don't know about. As the Chicago Sun Times' TV critic has
said online, what
happens to the puppet, when the puppet master has been forced to go?
Apparently, not much. Amber could have had a good thing going, creating an
anti-alliance with former Kucha team members, before (inevitably) her own Ogakor teammates voted
her off. Unfortunately, Jerri wasn't around to
advise her to do this. Booted Off :
11th High Point : You really
couldn't help yourself when feeling sorry for her, when so many Ogakor
losses led Amber to tears. Low Point :
When the line was drawn, she sided with Jerri over Keith? This is the type
of line-drawing that inevitably got her booted, when Tina, Keith, and
Colby created (what I like to call) their Three Stooges Alliance. Rating : Near
Miss.
Rodger Bingham Best Nickname :
If Rudy was a farmer...and more
nice. Summary : At 53, he sure gave the
younger generation a run for their money, didn't he? I guess the reason
for this is twofold. For one, he had good charisma, and got along almost
as well as 
Elisabeth did, with everybody he met during the game. In
addition, his background --a teacher, as well as a part-time farmer and
real estate developer-- contributed to much of the Kucha camps' initial
ease of setting up camp, getting fish, etc. He helped build several of the
tents/huts/whatever, fished constantly (and often caught something far
bigger than others did), and was apparently a good cook as well. It's no
disgrace to say that when he was finally voted off, he was done so only
because he was deemed as a "threat" to the weaker,
alliance-cheating teammates. There's nothing
shameful about that; he played a great game! Booted Off :
12th High Point :
His valiantly
telling Tina to vote for him first, not Elisabeth, made him seem even
nicer... Low Point :
...still, it would've been cool to see Rodger tell the overly-smug
Tina to CRAM IT. Rating :
Deep Impact.
 Elisabeth Best Nickname :
The closest thing to "Colleen" in the whole group! Summary :
How unlucky is Elisabeth, being the 13th to be booted
off? Not much; she was probably the main reason people kept tuning in!
Actually, any bad luck fell onto the show's lackluster finale, which
revealed there was another "cheater's alliance"
in Survivor, from the very beginning, and Mark Burnett just decided not to tell us. Now, once
again, the final three consist of the
arguably least desirable contestants of the lot. I can understand why Tina
(witch) and Keith (patsy) voted for Elisabeth; why Colby? If he was
suddenly going to have an alleged change-of-heart, why not have such a
change of heart before voting off Elisabeth? Jerk. Booted Off:
13th High Point:
Not "cuter
than newborn puppies" (as I said for Colleen last year), yet
still the nicest, most likeable player of Survivor 2! Low Point:
Having to "survive" another 3 days with the Three Stooges
Alliance, without Rodger. Rating:
Deep Impact.
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By the Finale...one
thing was clear; The Three Stooges Alliance had outwit them all. Why
"stooges"...? You'd know if you watched. Colby (Curly), in a stupefying
maneuver, practically handed the million dollars to Tina.
Keith (Larry) was no brighter, as he allied with "friend" Tina, whose
only interest was to keep him around long enough to get a 100% percent
chance of being in the final two. As for Tina (Moe, or possibly Shemp), she was a shrewd tactician
who nobody saw the true
colors of...'till it was too late. That said, on to the final three in the
finale:
-------------------------
Keith Famie Best Nickname :
A Master Chef...without a can opener. Summary : He's
allegedly (and there's no reason to doubt it) a great restaurateur back
home. However, with the only outback tools being rice and (if you're lucky)
fish, what can you cook? Lacking any major condiments or cooking supplies
meant he was just like everybody else; a guy with raw fish, some rice, and
a pan over a fire. However, he played a good game, saw the light about
Jerri sooner than anyone, and therefore deserves some level of
respect...even if Tina did play him like the fool. Booted Off:
14th. High Point:
His song "Ding Dong, the witch is dead" after Jerri left.
Hilarious! Low Point : Actually
considering (if only considering) to vote off Elisabeth before
Jerri. Rating :
Small Crater.
Colby Donaldson Best Nickname :
Ranger Boob Summary: Colby,
to be fair, had an empowering sense of spirit, right from the very
beginning.  His
luxury item was the Texas flag, adding a little stateside patriotism to
the show (as well as an effective "tarp" to their tent). Unlike other backstabbers I could talk about, Colby
was a true sportsman, playing a game, and never "patted any backs" to make it
cattily seem otherwise (yes, Tina, I'm talking about you). It's one
thing to imply you're someone's "friend" then vote against them
anyway; Colby always made it clear he was there to play the game, and
that's it. Then the incredulous happens, and he allows Tina to be in the
final two, right next to him. Tina...? He knew her two-faced antics would
make her a shoo-in to win. Everyone
put your hand in the shape of an "L" on your forehead, and
yell with me in unison: "LLLOOOSSSEEERRR!!" Booted Off:
The $100,000, second-place winner. High Point : Ignoring Jerri's (many)
advances, proving that not all guys are hormonal pushovers. Low Point :
Effectively piffling away any chance he had at winning the million. It
makes one wonder if he should have even bothered to win a single immunity
challenge at all. Rating :
Large Crater (he played a good game, and if only due to his constant wins
of the challenges, he deserved to win the overall game).
 Tina Wesson Best Nickname :
Nurse Half-a-weigh Summary : Her
self-righteous balderdash in the final episode, made it seem like her
being in the final three was a major accomplishment. Hardly; after all,
once finally declared the winner, she herself was giddy enough to let it
slip --live-- that she got as far as she did thanks to alliances.
That's not my biggest gripe with Tina, though. It's the hypocrisy. She cattily
pats the back of Elisabeth in Episode 13, as if she
sympathized
with her plight...only to vote her off anyway. What a back-stabber!
Essentially, Tina wins this season's un-coveted "Susan
Award," of biggest two-faced alliance member on the show. With all
the compassion of a cat playing with a mouse before the kill, that patting
Elisabeth's back before voting her off really irked me...enough to rate
Tina lower than even Jerri. Ouch! Booted Off :
Never; she won the million. High Point :
Whatever you
thought of her beforehand, when she went out to the flooded river to
help Keith get back the rice, she showed a lot of guts. Low Point :
She won the million, after doing nothing whatsoever to deserve it. Once
again, cheating is shown to "win." Darn. Rating :
Burnout.
 ...so, what should I rate the show, as a whole?
Well, funny thing; I was about to cut-and-paste my marginal-thumbs-up
rating from the first season. Then the strangest thing happened; Debb
Eaton broke down on the finale, with few of the contestants (if any at
all) trying even slightly to comfort her. Her ex-teammates' ineptitude in
this awkward, emotional situation was indicative of their ineptitude for
16 weeks, to evoke very much emotion at all. "Entertainment
Tonight" claims that they all hugged her during the commercial
break, though this
seems far from likely. By the
time the commercials ended, they were all back in their seats, as if
nothing happened. In truth, it's the series where little happened. The original Survivor had contestants
with red blood in their veins;
lively, unforgettable personalities. In a year, will anyone remember Survivor:
Australia at all...?
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