Techtite's TV Reviews!

"There were ways this mini-series could have survived its flaws. Much like the cylon attack, they are all shot down, mercilessly."

---from the review

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Letters; we get letters! As we get letters about a review, we like to link to some of them. Here is the top of the e-mailbag for this review:

"Haven't seen it. But I guess after reading the review and seeing the trailer. I wasn't far off the mark, with my preconceived notions..."

"The Galactica was the only battlestar left? Not according to Adama...The new writer couldn't even get that part of the old Galactica right."

"I think you miss the point. To give new life to an old and dated series...you must first sacrifice many sacred cows."

Even to the Agnostic Galactica Viewer... Even if you forget the original series, and the reason for this remake entirely, the script is still flawed. It is implied that with the defense codes Baltar provided, the Cylons can attack without hindrance. The thought is that Cylons can use their own computer brains to hack into all computer defense systems and disable them. This is an amusing premise though it doesn't sell the story the way it could have. What about the 20 year old ships dragged out of storage, to defend the Galactica? They wouldn't have the same ease for hacking. Consider: even a classic Macintosh Plus is invulnerable to a virus that could wipe out the whole hard drive of a modern Pentium 4. This is one of many story elements that stared this mini-series' writers square in the eye, and could have really improved the story...yet were sadly ignored.

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Battlestar Galactica: 

The Mini-Series (2003)

A Review by Techtite

What is the point of a remake if it isn't anything like the predecessor? That's the question heard 'round the internet ever since the Sci-Fi Channel announced its intent to make Battlestar Galactica into a 2003 mini-series. It has been said that in order to fairly critique this project, one must consider it as a separate entity to the 1978 series. However, what is the point to this, if it isn't anything like the original?

To be fair, the general outline of the 1978 series and 2003 mini-series are identical. 12 human colonies are destroyed in a surprise attack by mortal enemies called Cylons. Of all the mighty ships which protected these colonies, only the Battlestar Galactica survives. The leader of this vessel, Commander Adama, takes command of a rag-tag fleet to find the long-forgotten, legendary "13th colony" of Earth. This is the way it was in the original series. That's where this remake is the same.

Sadly, that singular paragraph is the only thing similar to the original series at all. The original series' concept was that "brothers of man" who inspired ancient civilizations like the Egyptians and Mayans were fighting to survive, in a solar system far, far away. In this retooled remake there are indeed colonies of man, but they aren't anything like "ancient Egypt" at all; they're just humdrum cities filled with humdrum humans with humdrum costumes flying in their humdrum spaceships. Remember how the original series' pilots all wore helmets with Egyptian style markings on them? Well, now they are all wearing space helmets. Boring, been-there-done-that space helmets.

Oh, yes, there's also the "new" Starbuck, as talked about on many a message board by now. In the original, Starbuck was sort of a "TV Han Solo," as played by Dirk Benedict ("The A-Team"). Here, Starbuck is a tomboy-like skinny blonde (Katee Sackhoff), who even if you accept the gender change, has a lot to be desired. Starbuck may have been a typically sexist 1970's character but at least he was always fun; he never took anything too seriously. If you're going to make Starbuck a woman, at least make sure its a woman who, much like Dirk Benedict, always holds back a mischievous grin and a glint in her eye. TV Guide compared this casting choice to Meg Ryan being cast as Indiana Jones. No; it's more like Bea Arthur cast as James Bond.

If only Starbuck was the only character they altered. Even Cylons are no longer Cylons! In the original series, Cylons were mechanical to the highest degree; a race of purely artificial beings who abhorred anything "human" at all. Now, they are supposedly a race of robots longing to be human, yet wanting to kill humans anyway.  Huh? Don't bother figuring this plot paradox out: you only need to know that Cylons in this remake are led by a supermodel-type cyborg named Six; a "Cylon" who seems to go around having sex to get spy information. I'd say sex sells, but for some reason Six doesn't "sell it" for me. Maybe it's how her spine glows red during sex? That's a tad bit too silly for my tastes.

Then there's Baltar: the original series' arch-villain. Now, he's a hapless dork(!), fooled by "Six" to give key defense codes in the throes of passion (Uh...didn't he suspect something when his lover asked for top secret information in the middle of sex...?). This new Baltar is a cowardly "genius" (or so they tell us) just trying to survive. Of all the script changes, this is the most dire; Baltar was the arch nemesis of all Galactica lore. Making him into a bumbling genius is akin to making a James Bond movie where Blofeld is the new "Q". As Bond might say: Not bloody likely!

Here's what I don't get. If you've been given the permission to rip-off a 1978 TV series, why would you decide to rip-off every single other sci-fi story source, instead? Gone are original Galactica costumes that resembled ancient Egyptian wear, replaced with headgear and uniforms that look ripped off from --of all places-- Starship Troopers. Gone are the chrome-armored Cylons, replaced with a sexy female cyborg: a rip-off of Terminator 3 at best, and Species at worst. Gone is the ominous attack by thousands of Cylon fighter ships at once, replaced with large explosions seen from the air, over key metropolitan cities; a very obvious Independence Day rip-off. Regardless of all the ripping off going on, at no time did I see a single homage to Galactica; the very source this mini-series was supposed to be ripping off! That's just weird.

Of course, all's fair in remakes of 25 year old script ideas, right? That said: it isn't the above changes that truly upset me. It's the newfound female chauvinism that I disliked. I can understand how any 1970's TV concept would have to be stripped of all sexist undertones. That's no reason to simply mirror-image such sexist pigheadedness, so even Adama must answer to a cocky newly-appointed female President (Mary McDonnell). This is merely the tip of the iceberg; just about every woman is either a flying ace or "in charge," while all the men are whiney or inept, or worse. Even Adama seems to be a fish out of water in this retelling of the tale. In the original series, he was the sole military strategist who suspected a Cylon trap; now, he's just one script rewrite away from slapping his head like Homer Simpson while shouting, "D'oh!"

Oh, and how about the soundtrack...? While the original series had an orchestral score unheard of in most TV shows, background music here is not unlike an automatic tennis ball launcher being aimed at a giant drum; too basic, too tedious, and too inferior. Spaceships are equally humdrum, with the Galactica looking more like a garbage barge than a majestic flagship of the colonial fleet. Heck; even the "blast" sound effects are gone from the colonial viper engines. How easy was it to reproduce a simple FX sound effect? Probably as hard as making a remake of a 1978 cult classic. In both cases, this mini-series fails. 

---Techtite

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