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Survivor (9):
Vanuatu: Islands of Fire!
Once Again: The Winners, The Cheaters, and (when it
airs), The
Finale...
If I said it once, I've said it...well, 8
times so far. Every season of reality TV is only as good as the contestants.
Didn't anyone listen to me? Apparently not. But this season's flaws were beyond simply badly chosen contestants. It's format was a "battle of the sexes" gambit; the
same format that led to what was, up to this
point, the suckiest season of the series.
Did they want to make a season look even worse? Well then
I'd have to say mission accomplished. So bad was this season, in fact,
that for the first time in the history of the series, we were with one
foot out the door when Chad got voted out...then one of the cocky
alliances members who got him booted, got booted her darned self. Way to
go Survivor!
Not that it hasn't been a bumpy ride this
season. Things went from bad to "ohmigosh that sucked" in just
episode #2, when Dolly gets booted from the women's team. Every season has
their "Colleen," a la the first season, and Dolly was Vanuatu's.
Imagine how this series would've crashed and burned without Colleen to
enjoy throughout the better 90% of season one. Now imagine how sucky the
better 90% of this season was, without Dolly. I'm just saying.
Enough chit-chat; on to the seasonal
contestant roast! Here's the latest
roll call, in order of their being booted...
Brook. Best
One-Line Summary : What? "Chris" isn't spelled
B-r-o-o-k! My Comments:
I have nothing against Chris. Yes, this is the summary for Brook, but
I'm getting to that. See; they wanted another battle of the sexes season,
because apparently the female demographic loved seeing a mere bikini model
fly under the radar and win the battle of the sexes season, last time
around. So, what do they do, but make a team of men that, aside from Brook
and a few younglings, is more than 50% yin-yangs. The female team is a
bunch of tough gals that look like they actually live in the
forest; one is even named Scout!!! Then the series spikes the ball
by having the first immunity challenge involve a balance beam. yeah,
girls, WE GET IT: even male gymnasts are not asked to compete on the
balance beam. You women have to endure high-heeled shoes and gosh, that
makes balance beams a breeze, while guys keep falling off. Har-Har! Good
one ladies. Okay, I admit it; I'm digressing. I'm just saying; the men
actually found a loophole that allowed them to straddle the balance beam
like a high wire...all except Chris. So what does Chris do but pull the
typical "dead man walking" last dance, and act like the
middle-aged men must boot off their young MVPs, even now, or else the
beer-bellied Least Valuable Players are gone lickety-split. Yeah, I know he's right: shut up! Brook was blindsided. Sorry Brook. Booted Off:
1st High Point : Perhaps the highest
grade I ever gave to a first bootee, even if none of us got to know him well. Low Point: Maybe if he
didn't act like it was so "obvious" Chris was going, maybe he
could've nipped this season's obnoxious beer belly alliance in the bud,
yes? Rating :
 Large
Crater
Dolly. Best
One-Line Summary : This season's "Colleen" leaves in
the second week. Insert grinding teeth sounds here. My Comments:
There was no reason to boot off Dolly. She was cute, she was harmless,
she was quite simply the "Colleen" of this season; the singular
female worth rooting for. Well, okay; the Cro-Magnons on her team hated
her, so she had to go. Oh, I'm sorry; was that too harsh? Well CAN IT
sisters, because you just voted off the only woman in this game who was
actually worth a darn. Chalk this up to another middle-aged alliance, in
this case run (for the moment) by Twila and Scout, as they look not too
kindly at the prettier women on their tribe. Oh, was that harsh too? Well
CAN IT again, sweetheart/cookie/baby, because at least I'm not so much of
a Cro-Magnon male that I'd actually find a chicken egg, crack it open to
see a baby chick inside, yet eat it anyway. As if that wasn't
enough to ban Twila and Scout as role models, their alliance helped
boot this season's Colleen, and kept this season's Jerri Manthey (Eliza)
while doing it! I
try hard not to be juvenile here, but ...Ppppphhhhhtttt!!! Booted Off:
2nd High Point : I'm not kidding; the
ONLY female contestant who was worth rooting for at all. Low Point:
None. Rating :
 Deep
Impact
John P. Best
One-Line Summary : Beer Bellied Alliance Victim, v2.0. My Comments:
How unfair is unfair? Here's the deal: by episode 3, one person from
each tribe would go. Why? Here's the situation: even with the show's
unfair tactics on their side (a balance beam? TWICE?!?), the women were
losing. But hey ladies; the Beer Belly Alliance of the men's team is
stupidly on your side, even if they are too brain damaged from excessive
alcohol to know it! They're ready to boot the strongest, most valuable
members of their team, one by one! So, what better way to keep that female
demographic entertained, then make sure a guy leaves tonight, no matter
what. The women will win next week with John P. gone; I guarantee it. Booted Off:
3rd High Point : Once again, a
contestant neither out witted, outplayed, nor outlasted... Low Point:
...not that this means much with him gone now. Rating :
 Small
Crater
Mia. Best
One-Line Summary : The enemy of the LVP is my ally. My Comments:
To be perfectly honest, Mia had a lot to tolerate. The first rule of
thumb in any season of Survivor is how it takes two to start an argument.
What's more; when you're challenged by the leader of the team's strongest
alliance, just walk away. Well; Mia ignored both of these rules of common
Survivor sense as she picks a tiff with Twila. The only saving grace of
such a stupid move is from the third-person perspective: finally, someone
stood up to Twila! Bravo, Mia! So what if that meant you were next to go.
That's how the show goes. Booted Off:
4th (though same time as John P., on the same episode) High Point :
Seeing Twila argue with anyone was worth seeing this show for one more
week after Dolly left; thanks, Mia... Low Point:
...not that arguing with the apparent leader of your team's strongest
alliance was too wise. That was one bad move girlfriend. Rating :
 Near Miss
Brady. Best
One-Line Summary : The "Dolly" of the men...in a good
way. My Comments:
All the ladies who felt we men were all such crybabies when Dolly
left; is turnabout fair play? Consider that when the last remaining male
teammate worth a darn, Brady, is voted off in just week 4 of the season.
Once again, the Beer Bellied Alliance proves to not even have 50% of one
wit, as they boot another MVP from their tribe, in an effort to keep the
people who keep yelling, sleeping, slipping, sliding, and cursing. So,
like; a woman is going to win this thing hmm? Should I practice my
"surprised" look now? Booted Off:
5th High Point : Nothing bad to say...
Low Point:
...honest. Rating :
Deep
Impact
Travis. Best
One-Line Summary : In the immortal words of Star Trek's Dr.
McCoy; must you be so blasted honest? My Comments:
I have to say it; it was actually slightly interesting, to see the
first of the Beer Bellied Alliance get bitten in the butt this early in
the season. A tribal twist sent two men, Travis and Rory, to a new team of
mostly all women. Then Travis, at the onset of the next challenge, yells
to his fellow male teammates --in the other tribe!-- to "think about
the merge." In other words; try and throw the competition and boot
off one of the two women in the opposing, male-dominant team, so
the Beer Bellied Alliance stays strong. In your defense, Travis, the
concept was brilliant...too bad your alliance is not. All the
male-dominant team had to do is throw two immunities for two more
challenges, and two women were gone, with the men in a solid lead.
Except for one tiny detail this plan was foolproof; that is, the male-dominant
team got their butts kicked by the women. Why? Because they booted
off three of their best MVPs in just the past four episodes, that's
why! Duhhhhhh! The women in Travis' new team were unamused at Travis'
brilliant yet fallen-on-deaf-ears throw the challenge strategy. See ya
Travis. Wouldn't want to be ya. Booted Off:
6th High Point : Well, he leaves with
the knowledge that he's the smartest member of his alliance... Low Point:
...too bad his alliance was too slow to figure out Travis' battle plan
before Ami did. Rating :
Near Miss
Lisa. Best
One-Line Summary : Who knew even the women this season were
pretty foolhardy, too?...well, with the exception of Lisa. My Comments:
"Paranoia! /Self-destroy-a! /Destroy your friends! /Destroy
yourself!" Everybody sing the classic heavy metal song, as Ami leads
the cavalcade to boot off loyal tribe member Lisa. Why Lisa? Maybe because
dehydration made Ami paranoid; I don't know. It is at least interesting to
see a team have such a slam-dunk lead against the idiot men and their Beer
Bellied Alliance, which is soooo easy to beat after booting every decent
MVP in their tribe. Then through dumb luck the men win immunity, only to
have the female-dominant alliance pull a conspiracy theory out their
backsides (pardon my French but where else did this theory come from may
this critic ask?) and boot Lisa. Yes Lisa; the least threatening female of
their whole tribe...well, after booting Dolly that is. Then again; they
booted Dolly! In a season of teams this bizarre, Lisa was sure to go next. Booted Off:
7th High Point : She stayed
under the radar low enough to not have a single bad thing to say about
her. Low Point: Conversely, she was
too below radar to know much about her. Rating :
Small
Crater
John K. Best
One-Line Summary : Worst. Strategy. Ever. My Comments:
Let's jump to it: John K. had an ace in the hole. Heck; he had two
aces, named Twila and what's-her-name...oh, yeah: Julie. Nobody with half
a wit --nor any percentage of any wit-- cannot deny that the women would
"Pagong" the men one by one if they have the chance upon the
merge. So, all John K. had to do is appeal to his male teammate's better
sense of four-against-six, and boot off one of the women while they could;
as separate teams, where the two women of the tribe could be outed,
four-against-two. Nope! John K's
plan was to try and boot off Chad instead. Yes; Chad, the man who bravely
has kept in the game up to this point with only one leg. Yes, John K.,
village idiot in training, felt threatened by Chad, not the ladies, and thanks to John K.'s Benedict Arnold shenanigans,
the women are now in a clean sweep
lead. Let me guess; next week is the merge! Why of course it is; the
female demographic would be best pleased if the men were Pagonged one by
one, as this season's grand prize is assuredly won by a woman (and I use
the term loosely, on this season). Thanks John K., for all your hard work
in assuring this season will suck worse than a black hole in the center of
an entire galaxy. Now go home and go away. Booted Off:
8th High Point : The only good news is
simple: no more "boys" for the Beer Bellied Alliance to pick on!
It's going to get reeeeeal interesting from now on! Low Point:
You decided your best gambit was to try and turn your tribe against
Chad?!? Rating :
 Burnout
Rory. Best
One-Line Summary : The First "Pagonged" Man This
Season...But At Least He Saw It Coming. My Comments:
Let's cut to the chase: this season began as a battle of the sexes,
and a lot of people --both men and women-- want it to stay that way.
That's bad news for the men, who stupidly booted their last shing chance
to have AT LEAST a tie game tonight, making the women outrageously outvote
the men, 6 to 4. Men like Sarge --who, if this was his performance in the
actual Army, would be dishonorably discharged by now-- felt that the two
women on his tribe would be all coochie-coo to the men, after the men
stupidly booted off a man last week. Foolish men! Don't you realize you
were competing with a bunch of the most sexist, egotistical, lying,
hypocritical bigots this side of the double-X chromosome? Rory realized
this...and, being the smartest remaining man to see such facts, was the
first man that "had" to go, or so says the Ali Alliance. Booted Off:
9th High Point : Had he been in a
season with a team that had half a wit, he probably could've lasted until
the final four...at least. Low Point:
Admittedly, the poorest thing Rory could've done is to realize he was on
the chopping block in a female-dominant tribe, and call them on it.
"If you're going to boot me then I won't work" isn't good
strategy. Rating :
Small
Crater
Sarge. Best
One-Line Summary : "Killed in battle by one of his own
troop!" My Comments:
I'm reminded of the epilogues in National Lampoon's Animal House, where the
epitaph of "Douglas C.
Neidermeyer" said he was killed in battle by his own troops. That would
turn out to be the sad last moments of "Sarge" as well, when
even Chris helped Ami's Little Girl Alliance boot Sarge.
Chris: the same guy who should've gone the very first tribal council, and
owed his
entire longevity to Sarge. Sarge had claimed to be the leader of the men's
team throughout this game, and
at this point, that's pretty sad. Booted Off:
10th High Point : In the end, Sarge
and Chad might turn out to be the only two people
this season who kept loyal to one another from start to finish. Sorry ladies: your chance at
this honor fell flat when you booted Lisa. Low Point:
From the "too much exposure" department: Julie exposes her
behind to the sun, so Sarge feels the need to do it too? Rating :
Small
Crater
 Chad.
Best
One-Line Summary : The last decent contestant bites the
dust...as does our tolerance level. My Comments:
Why boot Chad? Because the Little Girl Alliance is filled with a bunch
of sexist, female-chauvinist, lying, hypocritical, egotistical,
overbearing, bigoted nincompoops. Period. Chad was one of the last decent
members of the season; heck, he was among the few contestants in nine seasons who I would've cheered to see win at the end. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah; that made him a "threat" to the blockheads,
boneheads, brutes, bumblers, dolts, dopes, dunces, fools, halfwits,
idiots, imbeciles, jackasses, nincompoops, ninnies, nitwits, numskulls,
schmoes, schmucks, simpletons, twerps, and totally ignorant twits,
who would purport to "deserve" a chance to win this stupid
season of a slowly- becoming- stupid reality series. Have I mentioned how
Chad was this man bravely going through life with only one leg, yet was
kindhearted enough to not use this as a "tool" for sympathy, nor
as a bargaining chip to the other teammates, all of whom he was loyal to,
100%? I'm just saying. I'm pi$$ed with a capital $. One more chance next
week to boot Ami's Little Girl Troupe, Survivor, or else I am soooo outta
here. Booted Off:
11th High Point : One whale of a nice
guy, period. Low Point:
His kind nature was also his weakness; from the very beginning he should've
taken no mercy on the LVPs of the male tribe, and kept the men's team
hearty and strong. Rating :
Deep
Impact
LeeAnn. Best
One-Line Summary : What? C-h-r-i-s isn't spelled...no, wait!
They booted the broad! My Comments:
Near the start of the season Leeann looked pretty cool. Then she
joined Ami's little girl alliance; the alliance desperate to prove a woman
can be as good of a sexist pig as any man. From then on Leeann
was, quite frankly, a pompous bore. See her do condescending "dances" in the
challenges when beating the men. See her so gleefully boot
Lisa just because Ami got paranoid about women on her own stupid team. Then see LeeAnn and Ami so pompous and arrogant they would actually
discuss chopping block order to the remaining women, none of whom, in
LeeAnn or Ami's minds, were final two material. Well, that's one whale of
a fine how do you do to a team of seven. Yet these ladies would've
probably still hummed a few bars of "I am Woman Hear Me Roar" if
they had insisted on booting Chris this week. No; instead, it was LeeAnn's
turn to be paranoid, and insisted on booting Eliza next. See; that's the
problem with an alliance based on female sexism. If sexism against the
"evil men" is no longer the driving force, what exactly is?
Scout and Twila saw the truth: the game was never about a
"woman" winning; it was specifically to have AMI win. Well, Ami
won immunity, so...bye, LeeAnn. Booted Off:
12th High Point : In the finale she
voted for Chris, so she's hardly as sexist as Ami was. Low Point:
Think about it; LeeAnn's fears of Eliza making it to the
final four, got Eliza in the final four. Rating :
Burnout
Ami. Best
One-Line Summary : Sexism, they name is Ami. My Comments:
Ami is a sexism enigma. She acts like she's the symbol of feminism,
yet in truth she's posed nude for Playboy. She claimed to be the
leader of the first rock-solid female alliance, yet she booted Lisa, half a dozen episodes ago. She
claimed to be looking for a woman
to win, but let's be honest; what she really wanted is for AMI to win.
Sure, nobody is playing this game for someone else, but there's a big difference
between playing the game to win, and looking fellow teammates in the eyes
like they're still in junior high school, acting like you alone get to
choose who's on the "Who's Cool" list. That's the sort of
malarkey Ami and LeeAnn tried to pull, and when saying this baloney to
such gamers as Twila and Scout, this was a bad move indeed. However, Twila
turning the tables on Ami isn't
good news just because Ami is gone. In the end, it was a totally integrated, male-female alliance that
booted the
contestant this season who was, in my estimation, the biggest sexist pig.
As for Twila swearing on her son that she wouldn't betray Ami; let's be
honest. Based on how we all wanted Ami gone, I'm sure the son would swear his mom was forgiven. After all;
we've all been swearing at our TV screens for weeks! Fortunately, such
swearing is no longer necessary. This season's "Jerri"
is now gone. Booted Off:
Unlucky 13th. How ironic. High Point : Let's
be fair: seeing her leave was the best part of the season so far, and
indeed, that's a major "high point." Low Point:
Even as bad as Jerri was, she made for good TV; a compliment only a female
chauvinist would ever say about Ami. Rating :
Burnout
Julie. Best
One-Line Summary : The one that bared her butt and still got
beaten by Eliza. Ouch, ouch, ouch. My Comments:
Okay; maybe I'm just one big softie. So when Julie in the final
episode acts like she can barely hold back the tears when in the jury, I
have to confess: she wasn't...that...bad. She wasn't Ami, nor was she
LeeAnn, nor Mia, the last two of whom had those annoying little dances
when winning in the challenges, to further rub it into the men that they
were winning. So, yeah; Julie wasn't as bad as that, and that's worth
saying here. However, there are times when Julie had her moments. There's the time she tried to stay on the good side
of the once-dominant men's team by sunbathing her bare behind right in
front of them, only to help vote them off one by one just days later. There's the moment Twila told Julie in confidence that the
men had approached her with an offer for an alliance, only to have Julie
lie to Twila that they made the same promise to her, just so
Twila wouldn't take them up on the offer (and, as a result, boot Julie). Yet
our biggest complaint about Julie would be when she returned from a reward challenge with
food, giving every last chicken wing to the women only, while the men were
away. Then she gives the men the bones to gnaw
on as she and the ladies all giggle. On an island where
everyone is starving, that's just cruel. So, yeah, sorry, we have to rate
Julie rather low on the contestant scale in the end. But hey; nobody's
reading this site anyway, so why worry? Booted Off:
14th High Point: Not as annoying as
LeeAnn and Ami ever were. Low Point:
Again; that chicken wing joke against the men was mean. Rating :
Near
Miss
Eliza. Best
One-Line Summary : Luck be Eliza To-night. My Comments:
If luck be a lady on finale night, she must be named Eliza, because
she was second only to Chris as the most slack-jawed lucky sonofagun of
the entire game. Much like Chris; she should've been one of the first to
go! Yet with clever strategizing, and maybe even a few Jedi Mind Tricks of
the weak minded, her team booted Dolly --Dolly?!?-- as the first to
go, instead of Eliza. But I must give Eliza credit; the very reason I
liked her (well...sort of) as a contestant, is for the very reason she was
so annoying to her teammates: her talking. So many teammates are so busy
strategizing they rarely realize this is a TV show and they have to say
what's on their mind to keep the show at all entertaining. Eliza had a
lot to say, and whether you agreed with it or not is irrelevant. Much like
Jerri in the Australian Outback,
she kept the show interesting...which on this season was not a simple task
at all. Booted Off:
15th High Point: All that
talking... Low Point:
All that talking...! Rating :
Near
Miss
Scout. Best
One-Line Summary : Ami Lite. My Comments:
Allow me to offer a theory: had Scout been a bit younger, a bit bolder
and quite frankly, a lot less mature, she would've played the game not
unlike Ami. Their feminist strategies were quite similar, right down to
their alliance of two, where in Scout's case she wanted Twila to win if
she could not. Yet unlike Ami, Scout didn't want to rub men's noses in the
thought of a woman winning above all else: she simply wanted herself or
Twila to win, and that's all. It was actually nearly enough, too, with
she, Twila, and Chris in the final three. Yet here's the sort of
sportsmanship that gives Scout a thumbs-up, in our book. When the chips
were down, Chris had won final immunity, and went to Scout looking for a
reason to keep her in the game over Twila. She quite humbly didn't give
him one, making hers the sole sign of selflessness in the entire season.
Sure, she took that "make sure Twila wins" strategy a bit too
far, politely calling all of Chris' talk to the jury "bulls---"
while barely calling out Twila at all. She still had a lot of spirit, and
as such, was a fitting member of the final three. Booted Off:
16th High Point: Her camaraderie
with Twila. Low Point: If she was able
to have a change of heart and help boot Ami and LeeAnn; couldn't she have
done so one day earlier, and kept Chad in the game? Rating :
Small
Crater
Twila. Best
One-Line Summary : Aside from an unaired baby chick, we're
good. My Comments:
We have no problem with Twila's "I promise on my son's
life," or...whatever it is she said. People make promises all the
time on this show and as long as they don't make a promise to The Man
Upstairs himself, we're fine with it. We probably wouldn't be fine with it
if we were fellow contestants (!), but as TV viewing audience members
we're fine with it. No; the truth is we're concerned the most about what
the series didn't show. Off-air scuttlebutt says they edited a scene,
circa episode 2, where the female team finds a nest of eggs. Word is that
they discover the eggs weren't like the eggs you find in a store, and
what's more; these baby chicks were about to hatch. Yet Twila and Scout
ate the insides of these eggs anyway, which to read in print, even if they
were starving, is the grossest act of survival we've heard of since
Michael S. skinned that boar in season two. Then again; it's actually
quite flattering to Twila that the only major gripe we have with her is
one that never aired. Then again; what else didn't they air, just so we
could better root for the final four? It's something to consider when
rating Twila based on what we saw/heard, which baby chicks
notwithstanding, is still one of the highest ratings we've given this
season. Booted Off:
The 100 grand, second prize winner. High Point:
Athletically, she gave the younger men a run for their money, which at
her age is pretty impressive. Low Point:
Maybe it was the disappointment of losing the million, but she shouldn't
have been so passive when series host Jeff kept ribbing her about the
"I promise on my son's life" comments. I kept on hoping Twila
would simply tell him to get a life so we could get on to questions far
more important. Rating :
Small
Crater
Chris. Best
One-Line Summary : Once again; the winner of Survivor doesn't
need...well, much of anything. My Comments:
Obviously, Chris had something to make it this far. We mean it in the
most direct way we can, when he had the same qualities as Richard from the
first season, Tina from the second, Vecepia from the fourth, Sandra from
the Pearl Islands, or even bikini model Jenna from the Amazon. None of
those contestants were the strongest, the wisest, or the most worth
rooting for, yet they won just the same. That's life on this series. Yet
never once in this series' history has someone won the grand prize who so
annoyingly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, in the very first
episode! It was actually a brilliant Richard Hatch inspired moment that
kept Chris in the game for even three days: ally with the pudgy members of
his tribe to boot the athletic MVPs. When these pudgy teammates were
picked off like flies by the opposing team upon the merge, Chris used a
similar strategy to stay in the game even longer. That is: he allied with
Twila and Scout and Eliza to help him boot Ami, LeeAnn, and Julie. Okay;
so that part of Chris' story actually was pretty cool. We also have
to give Chris credit: when it came to those final challenges, Chris had
what it took to keep winning them, guaranteeing his spot in the final two.
He also kept true to his word with Twila, which is pretty decent of him.
Then again; if he really wanted to impress us he would've done his smooth
talking to keep Chad and Sarge in the game. Booted Off:
The million dollar prize winner. High Point:
Sorry ladies, but he kept his promise to Sarge: he "got back at
those girls"...! Low Point: Once
again; the winner of Survivor doesn't need to be very athletic, nor a
major strategist, nor win any memory games, or even the most popular. Rating :
Small
Crater
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