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The Ultimate Love Test
It's not surprising that
ABC would attempt to clone FOX television's most popular guilty
pleasure, Temptation Island. That "test a couple's
fidelity" piece of reality TV fluff, has been a guilty pleasure for
three seasons now. What's surprising, however, is in how awful ABC's clone is,
which is even cockily titled, The Ultimate Love
Test. No, "Stupidest Reality Show" would be
more like it.
Here's the concept: four
couples are cast to partake in this allegedly "ultimate" love
test. The test involves one of them (?) tested, by going to Mexico, and being
wooed by either a lover from their past, or their perfect "love
match," or just some total cutie pie. Meanwhile, the tempted lover's
boyfriend/girlfriend does nothing at all. That's right; they stay home, in
their own house or apartment, doing nothing more than receiving video
messages of what their lover is (or hopefully, is not) doing. What fun,
eh?
The problems with this
show is a list as long as my arm. Here's my top five peeves. One:
what exactly makes one person tempted the "ultimate" love test?
Two: if the concept is to show the person at home how much they'd feel bad
if their lover dated someone else: um...DUH? Three: half of the show is of
the house sitter lovers sitting at home, watching video feed of what viewers
already
saw half an hour ago. Four: there's no sign that these couples were too
close to begin with, given how fickle the vacationing lovers seem to be.
Five: why am I even watching this?
It doesn't help that all
four couples selected are, quite frankly, nerds. First, we have Heather and Frank. Frank is in love with Heather, but shows little
sign of it aside from throwing something at the bathroom when he sees who
Heather was matched up with for said "test"; her ex-boyfriend!
Why is he so upset? Probably because all Heather needs is to go bungee jumping
while strapped to this guy, and suddenly she's cuddling up to him in a
small pool, draped in his arms. If
that's all it takes for this relationship to turn sour, it wasn't a real relationship at all.
Let's move to couple
number two. Carolyn and Jayre
seem
to be together simply because Jayre hasn't found his junior high schoolboy
fantasy of "three women at once" yet, while Carolyn is in the
relationship because, quite frankly, she's a total weenie. What's stupider than
Jayre saying his junior high school grade fantasies on
national television? Having a TV network give Jayre his dream, that's
what. Enter three of the most (sorry; the truth hurts) fake-breasted
gals ever to grace reality TV. Again: if this relationship fails this
prepubescent test, there was no relationship here to begin with. That's
two couples not worth routing for, out of four.
Yes, it gets worse. Kenesha and Brandon barely lasted three
episodes before breaking up, and quitting the series(!). Kenesha is one of those sadly
typical gals who stays with a total creep who cheated on her, because "maybe he'll change." Brandon,
meanwhile, clearly saw this love test as a sexual club med where he can go, let off some
steam, then go back to Kenesha no questions asked. This was supposed to
test this "relationship" for the long haul, but that's presuming this
schmuck needed a major test at all. Brandon clearly took advantage of his
situation, and was already trying to cop a feel of his date's boob during their first
date together. One wonders if this guy
could've been just as easily tested by a cocktail waitress paid $20 to say "Hello." Yes, Kenesha deserves better, though
seeing her finally get a clue as to how stupid she's been to stay with
this guy, simply isn't good reality TV.
Last though not least, we have Amber and Diego. These
are a pair best summarized with the cliché of how opposites attract.
Diego is a family man who likes to stay in his home town and plant some
family roots; Amber likes to travel. She's also a bit of a dingbat, when family man
Diego is supposedly not likely to be what she wants, and yet by episode 2 by her own admission,
she wants a man who could be a good family man. Well, if a man who has a strong sense of family can't be a good
family man, who could be? Then again; Diego is a bit immature, who sees his girlfriend with another guy, then he
uses a punching bag to make it appear like he'd better not meet her
date on this show. Golly...he may beat him to a pulp! Yeah;
with cameras watching Diego's every move, I'm sure the guy's petrified.
At the core of this
show's troubles is how this is barely a "test" of jack
squat. Again: one person is tested, while the other stays home and makes
googly faces at the camera as they react to what's going on elsewhere. Is this
a stupid reality show concept or what? At least in Temptation
Island you had equality: both sides of a relationship tempted by
admittedly tempting love interests. How is this show supposed to be a
"test," when only half of the couple is tested at all?
Let's just cut to the
chase: this show is bad. What an understatement! How else can one react to
this dull diatribe of daffy, dumb dim-witted ding-a-lings? If this show is
any comfort, it's how obvious it now is that this network cannot do any
decent reality shows at all. Enough
with the attempts at reality TV, ABC. Not that your sitcom attempts are
any better, but based on this, they can't possibly be worse.
---Techtite
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