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Judge bio number two is shown. Miss Marketing is Mary Lou Quinlan, head of Just Ask a Woman, and author of various books about marketing to women. When big names want to know what women want they go to Miss Quinlan. Again; "Pee Ponchos: The Series" is not something she may want her name associated with, so we'll stick with the nicknames. On a personal note, though, Miss Quinlan adds some emotion to the show that a panel of three male judges sorely needed. Not that men can't be emotional when they want to be. Just look at the next inventor.

Next in line is Jerry Wesley, 51, corrections officer. Here's a guy whose speaking voice is so powerful, he probably could've sold the judges on ice cube trays for Eskimos. It helps that his invention is a nice one: a portable exercise gym, with weights and a bungee cord and enough equipment to assemble portable-sized barbells and dumbbells and other typical exercise stuff, all in a carry on bag. That's pretty neat, but...what was that? He already spent 100 grand of his own and from other investors? Yikes. He also needs to tone it down, just one notch. The whole premiere began with Jerry's insistence that "I would rather pursue a dream and gather the experience of failure, rather than dream a dream and never pursue it." It's a nice line but after one hour of pee ponchos it falls a little flatter, you know what I mean? Jerry himself is one whale of a nice guy though, so I am rooting for him in "the final three."

Not to pine about time or anything, but...50 minutes left! Four finalists! Eight more needed! Is this part one of two or something? Did we really, really need to see another ---sorry--- crackpot? This pun was not intended, as I tell you that this next guy made a crack pipe of sorts to smoke food on the go. "Does it taste like hickory?" he asks, earnestly. The panel of judges is on their sides with laughter. The guy is slack jawed for awhile but overall he is nice about it. What's with the goggles though? Never mind. The answer's "no."

You want aggravating? After giving equal time to mountain lion warding wands and pee ponchos, they speed through some of the "accepted" inventions. Huh? What?!? Come again? I waited through 70 minutes of pee ponchos to hear the judges say "yes" to inventions we don't even get to see? Why don't these finalists even get their time on the screen? Who's in charge of things here?

Ready for a controversial decision from the judges? Enter Ann Brazil, mother of a mildly retarded child. She tries to tell us, as politically correct as possible, that her son is a great character and (though she put it much nicer) many young kids are not. Maybe this is a P.C. way of telling us how hard it was for her son to deal with rudeness in school, but nobody wants to bring up bad memories like that. Anyway; Ann has created a DVD about good manners and being a good person, aimed at four and five year olds. The problem; the DVD isn't an invention per se. By her own admission, Ann just needs the "P.R." As much as it pains them to admit it, two of the judges say the show is about inventing, not marketing. Miss Marketing herself points out how Ann is already on her way with none of their help. The judges' final vote is split right down the middle. With three of four votes needed, Ann Brazil is not another finalist.

Drama time, round two! Inventor Dude "apologizes" on his fellow judges' behalf to Ann. After a short pause (one must presume; to keep from crying), Miss Marketing says that he didn't have to speak on their behalf; because it makes them look like "the scum of the Earth." Inventor Dude says they should feel like that. I admit, Ann Brazil's idea is a very noble one, but she didn't invent anything. It's a sensitive issue, and yet as sensitive as it is, this is American Inventor, and Ann had a DVD, and no invention. Inventor Dude is still not getting it, and even after a "time out," he's still feuding. Maybe a commercial break will do. With clever editing, we presume that it did.

After the break, we see the short bio of judge number three. "Sir Business" is Peter Jones, a big name in telecommunication and finance. Say what you will about Sir Business, but he adds a regal nature to the show, hence the "Sir" we've added to his nickname. It's actually surprising an English man of such stature agreed to be on a show like this. This feeling is driven home by the proceeding video montage, of all the many contestants who tried to "invent" a new toilet. Yikes; can you imagine if The Apprentice followed Donald Trump's personal bio with a montage of toilets? They aren't even good toilets! Bad pun notwithstanding; these are pretty piss poor toilets.

I guess someone likes good Farrelly Brother humor, because the cr�me de la cr�me of toiletry ideas is given his full moment of fame. Douglas Hall tells it like it is. Everyone hates going to the public restroom and having to wipe with "sandpaper." His invention is a tissue holder that has a gel dispenser up above, so they can, um, wipe themselves more gently. The only person in the room who can talk about this topic without care is Hall, who insists that people need his product because they often "dig around" and get nowhere and make a bigger problem with, um, well ...what's back there. The guy's etiquette needs some work, but his idea has merit ...almost. Another split vote; another inventor gone.

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American Inventor

A Series Premiere Review, by Techtite