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American Inventor
A Series Premiere Review, by Techtite
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now, the premiere's lasted 90 minutes. Are we there yet? Darn;
now this series has me acting like a child. Could this series adapt to its
own childishness as of late? Enter the next inventor, with
her two children. What great timing! Kimberly Stevens is a therapist who
has invented The Tizzy Tube. It's Basically an inflatable toy you can
supposedly put your child into when they're in a "tizzy" and you
don't want them hurting their fool selves. She has an upright Tube
and a small ball-like "Tube." Her kids proceed to bang into each
other in the two Tubes. Inventor Dude talks about her
PhD and how she is obviously the expert in what she's talking about, but
that her Tizzy Tube idea needs too much work for them to follow it through
at this time. Sir Business is far less cordial and says that her Tube is
almost like a prison for naughty kids. "Is this 'Mommy
Dearest' ?" asks Miss Marketing. "I think you should get in
there!" says Mr. Advertising. There is even (almost) another Dramatic
time-out, when the other three judges rib Inventor Dude for praising
Kimberly's PhD at all. It was still another unanimous thumbs down.
As an Uncle
of three nephews and two nieces, and the Godfather of two, I have to offer
a "time out from judging" of my own, and give My Two Bits on
this one. If you ask me, Kimberly's
product is hardly as bad as the judges labeled it as. It's
just an inflatable toy kids can bounce around in. It's an over glorified bumper car that, I feel, she tried too hard to sell
as a therapeutic device for feuding tots. Show me one kid who doesn't get
an inflatable ball and promptly bounce it off their little brother's head.
It's not enforcing violent behavior; it's just kids being kids. If kids
want to bounce into each other in bumper cars at the amusement park, why
not have them bounce into each other in their little Tizzy Tubes? Is it so different? I'm just saying.
Next in
line; Dwight Sloan. His invention is a solar powered cooler. He sells his
idea on two imaginative fronts. One: people always take a cooler to the
beach where there's sun all around. Two: after Katrina, people had no
electricity, and this cooler would be a life saver. It needs work but
Inventor Dude still isn't getting the vibe. He's the only one though so
Dwight is another happy finalist.
What's up
with Inventor Dude? Let's find out, as the final video bio plays of Mr.
Inventor Dude, aka Doug Hall. In short; he has a whole ranch that handles
inventing. Inventing is his life. It is said he has helped Nike and
Proctor and Gamble make new inventions. Here's the thing: no inventions are
mentioned by name. Why not? Seriously; even if he marketed the
Pet Rock in the 1970's I'd be impressed. At least then he's a good
marketer. Here, he's just an inventor who demands respect on the panel because he
invented...what? You can't talk so much smack to fellow inventors and get
by with simply claiming you're a "renowned
inventor." I can't ask this plainly enough, and I mean nothing mean
by it at all, but I'd really like to know what this guy invented. I'm just
asking.
Next up is
Josie Dale, who made a Beddie Pouch, for putting stuff in while in bed.
Her friend in the waiting room claims to have bought two of them and he
doesn't even own a bed. Yeah, that's sweet, but save those sales pitches for the waiting
room, okay? Mr. Advertising asks the now typical question, of how much she
put into this. Josie says she spent 12 grand to get this far. Inventor
Dude shoots her down, albeit very politely, insisting that the same
product is on his bed at home. He goes even further, saying that her idea
was likely stolen, by whomever she paid to help get her idea afloat. It
happens all the time. Ouch.
More comedy
relief. I guess I could be more polite than to call them "comedy
relief," but come on; the
first group dressed like chickens. The next guy wore a mask that made him
look like Mr. Macaroni Head. Another guy thought dressing like
Uncle Fester from The Addam's Family was a good idea, complete with
disembodied hand on his head. Egads.
Another
group dressed head to toe like the cast of The Wizard of Oz. Who doesn't
like that? Inventor Dude is miffed they dressed like fictional caricatures.
"Give them a chance," insists Mr. Advertising. Yeah; I'd think a
guy in the advertising world is
quite used to geckos selling car insurance, so he probably saw The Wizard
of Oz costumes as a simple ploy to get noticed. We learn the inventor's name is Tim Le,
engineer. "Dorothy" whines that an apple is in Mr. Tree.
Scarecrow, aka Mister Le, "has a brain," and created a way to
clip the branch from several feet below. Yes there are branch clippers for
sale already,
but they are like two-handed wrenches; this device can allegedly be activated much easier from the end of the pole.
Interesting...
Sir Business
loved Lee's presentation enough for a "yes." Mr. Advertising
agrees. Inventor Dude is still looking for Fruit Flavored Gasoline so he
says "no." Miss Marketing is the final vote. Call it liking the
product, or call it snubbing her nose at Inventor Dude's praise of
Kimberly's PhD some time back, but she says
because of Lee's engineer background put into the product, she thinks he
can make something of this, so she happily says yes.
 Last but not
least is Kyle, a 14 year old would-be inventor. Look; we all were like
Kyle at 14. Few of us went this far though. It's in Kyle where we learn
what this show intended, as he shows an admittedly cheaply made prototype he clearly made all by himself, with
no five digit bank loans.
His invention is a small portable air conditioner for dogs, so their
owners can leave the dogs in the car without worrying about leaving the
car window ajar and the car being jacked into, or even more importantly,
the dog getting too hot. I don't mean to be
condescending but in Kyle they really saved the best for last, because this
kid's presentation is so darned cute, right down to his self-drawn posters about the "Dog Gone Big Market" of dog
products. "I'm also good TV," smiles the kid, to the laughs of the judges.
Sir Business
would like to shake Kyle's hand. Kyle says no, he burnt his hand when
trying to use a soldering tool. Mr. Advertising asks what this kid will
use the $50 grand for if he's a finalist. He can take the product to the
next level, says the kid, and what's more, Mom will trust him enough to
let him use tools again. This kid is a riot. He's also pretty smart. Mr.
Advertising loves him, so "yes." Sir Business likes his
enthusiasm and says he should keep going with the idea, but sorry,
"no." Miss Marketing loves the kid but doesn't like the idea of
putting a dog in a hot car. It's down to Inventor Dude, who says the line
we've heard prior to many a commercial break, "I'll talk to you the
way I'd like to have been spoken to at your age." His answer is...no.
(?!?). But Inventor Dude insists the no is for the invention, not his
imagination. Kyle tries to appeal to the
other two judges, but after Sir Business says "I hope my son grows up
to be just like you," it's clear they love the kid but not the
invention, and nothing can be done about the latter.
Kyle is
crushed. So are the viewers, I am sure. Kyle is seen talking outside and out comes Inventor Dude, who
insists that Kyle "keeps at it." Mr. Inventor Dude, you see, was turned down
himself a lot at his age and this is payback...er, a life lesson.
Whatever. Dude spins the rejection further, insisting that with each
rejection "you get smarter." Can I ask again what Inventor Dude
invented, especially at Kyle's age? I mean if what they turned down is the first Post-It Note they
were nuts, but if it was a four pronged electric nose picker that's a
different story. More spiel from the Dude. "You're gonna win huge...[but] you're not going to
win them all." Man; after a droll line like that one, I'd invent
a new knee kick to the groin. Kyle's a bigger man than I, apparently.
Well...that's
it. So...? Where are the other finalists? The answer is something
like this: "tune in for more finalists in episode number two!"
Yeah; you heard me. They actually drag this Circus Of The Pee Ponchos for
another week. Okay, guys; joke over. We know screening shows is hard work.
We get it. Really! But editing is also hard work. Think about it.
My final
verdict? Well, like the judges' votes half the time, my feeling is split
for now. Maybe the full series can make these lemons into lemonade,
which you'll read in one month, when posted here.
For now I only know this much; this premiere sucked. Two hours of my life
wasted and only half the finalists have been chosen? Maybe American Idol
uses this format but the thing is: that's music. These are
inventions...and thanks to all the ponchos with pee in them, I've yet to
be impressed.
---Techtite
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