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Survivor (12), Panama: "Exile Island!"
Once Again: The Winners, The Cheaters, and of course The
Finale...!
You have to hand it to Survivor: every
season is a work in progress. They may have lost a little
"oomph" along the way,
but they're learning, and to a point, it gets better each following
season, slowly but steadily.
First adaptation: divide the teams into
four to start with,
consisting of older men, younger men, older women, and
younger women. Yes, I appreciated the irony of an obviously young casting
agent, putting 30-somethings in the "older" teams(!). Yet the idea
was to make things more interesting, and for the most part, they
were...at the beginning.
Then there was "Exile Island.": a
good example of a work-in-progress. It was an intriguing idea, to have one
person sent to work for themselves each episode on a desolate island, but
it didn't pan out. The "hidden immunity idol" was too easy to
find. The "isolation factor" wasn't much of a big deal when
there was too little water or food in the first place, so what was the
"punishment"? People sent to Exile Island didn't even get stuck
there past the immunity challenge. It would've been a whole different
ballgame if people stuck there could neither strategize nor help their
allies in the next challenge. That would've been far more
intriguing.
Yet as always, reality
shows are only as good as the contestants. What can be said of a
season where the most empathetic contestant gets booted in the season
premiere, and the most likeable contestants leave soon
after? It sounds like another disastrous Survivor, but...read on for
the whole story:
Tina. Best
Remembered As : "The One With a Sad Story To Tell Yet
Never Told It Soon Enough." The Short Story:
In twelve seasons of Survivor history, I've never seen a sadder first evictee than Tina.
She was a contestant intended for Survivor
Guatemala, yet just before
leaving for the show, her son was in a traffic accident. Survivor...Exile
Island was to be
her therapeutic way of, quite literally, Surviving. One
would've thought that being put automatically on the "Older
Women" tribe meant she would be among mature women, who
would see her sadness, ask what was wrong, and help her. Yet they needed
someone to boot from their tribe, and asking her why she was so sad would risk giving them a reason not to boot
her. So Tina was quite cooly voted off while her tribe saved their
hides for another day. In short; this was a vintage piece of Survivor
at its most heartless. Booted Off:
First.
Melinda. Best
Remembered As : White Cerie. The Short
Story: So it's just days
into the game, and there's a merge of the four teams into two. Melinda and Cerie get put into a male-dominant tribe where
they are like lambs to the slaughter. At first it seems like Shane will
quit and give them a one-day reprieve, but in comes Aras with a pep talk
and, well, in the words of Shane: it was either Melinda or Cerie. But
allow me to be candid when I say that Cerie had the omnipresent "racism
card"
up her sleeve, where booting her would most likely lead to The Wrath of
Oprah, and booting Melinda would lead to a shrug and a "Who...?"
(Ouch...but true). So Melinda is booted. End of story. Next! Booted Off:
Second.
Misty. Best
Remembered As : Once again, this season's potential
"Colleen" leaves in three weeks. The
Short Story: In case you
never noticed: Colleen Haskell from season one has been on the top right of
every Survivor Review ever posted at Techtite.com. Gee; who was our favorite contestant of all time? Two guesses. Now
ask yourself why each season has the "cute girl" contestant.
Answer; because everyone, including this series' producers, feel the same
way. Every Survivor Season Needs Its Colleen. Engrave it on a plaque
because that rule is never going to change, period. So in a nutshell, this season's
Colleen was Misty...only to have a band of total dimtwits
evict her as early as episode three. Arrrggghhh! Booted Off:
Third.
Ruth Marie. Best
Remembered As : "Rule Number One of
Assassinations..." The Short Story:
"...kill the assasins." That's what Captain Kirk tells his
crew in Star Trek VI, anyway. Apparently the men of La Mina saw that
movie, too, because no sooner does Ruth Marie help the guys on the team
boot off Misty, then it's time for another female to boot, because...well,
because the guys were pretty sexist, but that's beside the point. So
regardless of being the one who seemingly "allied" with the men
just days before, she's the next one evicted. After all; she turned on the
women. She can't be trusted, don't you know! Mind you; it's not like Ruth
Marie was not a "nice person." But in a season
that already booted Misty, what chance did Ruth Marie have? Booted Off:
Fourth.
Bobby. Best
Remembered As : The Guy Who Wanted To Use a Toilet As a
Toilet. The Short Story:
You would think I'm being sardonic with that one-liner above, but I'm
not. This is the guy who by all accounts should've made it
clear to the final four, but didn't, because he wanted to use a toilet for
what it's used for. The cad! Sarcasm aside, Danielle insisted that Bobby was
not gentlemanly, for wanting to use their reward challenge prize as a toilet. By
the way; their reward challenge prize was a toilet. Yet Danielle and her
Estrogen-friendly pals felt the outhouse would be better used as a wood
closet. All Bobby wanted was to enjoy the fruits of their victory, and not have to do
"number two" in a bush, if you catch my meaning. So he decides
to "coronate" the throne, as it were, and Danielle's posse is
wondering how he could stoop so low as to use a toilet as a toilet. Have I
said that enough yet? I think so. Does it make sense yet? No...and
frankly, it never will. Booted Off:
Fifth.
Note: Once again we played fair and
didn't "rate" the first five bootees' as
"Survivors," since they weren't in the
game long enough. But by episode six it's a different story. So,
here's what we thought of the players who were allowed to really, really
play the game...
Dan. Best
Remembered As : A Hero To The End... The
Short Story:
It turns out Dan Barry is a retired astronaut, who actually flew in
the space shuttle. Nobody wanted to see him go, least of all the
viewing audience! Yet his team lost and what's more; his in-team alliance had only one non alliance member, and that was Sally. Apparently their
opposition spotted this and chose Sally to go to Exile Island. While this
sounds like a double-insult for poor Sally; this meant she was immune from
elimination that night. In an effort to leave nobly and keep his team
strong, the 52-year old retiree decides to all but volunteer for
elimination. Booted Off:
Sixth. "High" : A guy so
cool that when "voted off" per his wishes, his team stands and
salutes him as he leaves. "Low":
None, aside from sadly losing the challenge that made him have to go...! Final
"Survivor" Rating :  Deep
Impact.
Nick. Best
Remembered As : The First "Pagong" of another boring Survivor
Season. The Short Story:
What's "Pagong"...? That was the
team that foolishly didn't ally themselves until it was too late in the
first Survivor Season, allowing Richard Hatch's alliance to pick them off
like flies, all the way to the final four. Thanks to him
(sarcasm intended), every Survivor alliance since has tried for the
"Pagong" factor, or the "easy victory" upon the tribal merge. You can
see where I'm going with this. Nick's tribe gets merged with the other
tribe, the opposing tribe is in the majority 6-to-4, so they boot the
first MVP they can, which was Nick. Booted Off:
Seventh. "High" : Instead
of one last "[bleep] you" to those who eliminated him, Nick uses
his final speech to give the following message to his generation:
"...find yourselves, be who you potentially are and be true to your dreams and what you truly want to do. If we all maximize that personal freedom, then we'll change the world."
"Low": Yet is there such a
thing as being "too nice"...? When up against an alliance such
as Cerie, Danielle, and Aras, he had nothing bad to say? Final "Survivor" Rating :  Large
Crater.
Austin. Best
Remembered As : If This Season Had Its Colleen, Austin was Its
"Colby." The
Short Story: We all
remember players like Colby, who was so popular in Survivor's Australian
Season, he is even on a commercial or two these days, as well as a guest
role or two (and often as himself!). So this season had Austin, who was
quite simply one whale of a nice guy. Yet he was on the low end of the
alliance roster, so the alliance of Cerie, Aras, Danielle etc. decided to
boot Austin. Jerks. Booted Off: Eighth
"High" : Another nice guy
this season. "Low": If
anything he could've played as hard as Terry and they'd both have stayed
in the game awhile longer, because, hey; Terry did have that immunity
talisman, didn't he? Final
"Survivor" Rating :
Deep
Impact
Sally. Best
Remembered As : Booted because there was nobody left before
cannibalism. The
Short Story: Sally's boot
off was simple: Terry had won immunity and the alliance of six between
Cerie, Danielle, Aras, Shane, Courtney and Bruce was still strong. That
left poor Sally on the outside looking in. Yet what's even sadder is how
she was never allowed "in" to her own tribe, where a
male-dominant alliance was picking off she and her female allies like
flies. Well, that alliance was smaller than Cerie's, so away most of that
alliance went, long before Sally. So in a way Sally got a comeuppance
before her eminent boot-off. How's that for spin control? Booted Off:
Ninth. "High" : Nothing bad
to say about her, really. "Low": Yet
I guess it's saying something when you're nine episodes in and you know so
little about a contestant, after playing in the shadows too much. Final
"Survivor" Rating :
 Small
Crater
Bruce. Best
Remembered As : The First Medical Casualty Since Season Two!
The
Short Story: To the best of
my knowledge, Bruce is the first person forced to leave the game because
of a medical emergency, since Michael Skupin in Survivor: Australian
Outback. Not to digress, but that's a pretty good track record for a TV show that continually
starves, dehydrates, and all-out poorly treats its contestants. In short
summary, Bruce was an interesting player if just because, by all accounts,
you would think he would've allied with Terry's troupe long ago, and at
the very least booted Aras. After all; wasn't Aras the guy who referred to
Bruce's meditation area as a mere "rock garden"...? Yet Bruce
kept his alliance to Aras, if just for safety in numbers...but to what
end? Suddenly Bruce's medical condition was too painful and he had to be
taken out of the game so he could get to a hospital. Mind you; its hard to
say anything disparaging about a guy who was so close to the finale, yet
never made it due to an unpredictable medical condition. Yet it's equally
hard to not say anything disparaging, about a guy who could've
allied with nice people like Austin and Nick and Sally, and decided to
ally with Aras instead. If Bruce actually wanted Aras to get that close to
a million dollars, well...go play in your "rock garden!" Booted Off:
Tenth. "High" : Not a bad
guy... "Low": ...but he was
a guy who
helped Aras win the whole race, and, well...why? Final
"Survivor" Rating :
Small
Crater
Courtney. Best
Remembered As : Too little alliance, too late in the game.
The
Short Story: The problem I
have with people who sheepishly enter someone else's alliance is
how they never think ahead. Courtney was never a true blue member of the
alliance of Aras/Cerie/Danielle, and was quite similar to a rope on the
Good Year Blimp (no offense Cerie; it was just a metaphor). The most
intelligent thing for her to have done was to ally with an alliance that
would've owed her to stay in the game at all...like, say, the
alliance of Terry, Sally, Austin, and Nick. So three tribal councils too
late she allies with Terry. Well, that's two people against Aras'
alliance...which even without Courtney, is still consisting of Aras, Cerie,
Danielle, and Shane. Do the math. So Terry wins immunity again, and all
Courtney does is make it stupefying-obvious which member of Cerie's
alliance will go first, since Courtney wasn't really a member of their
alliance anymore. Booted Off:
Eleventh. "High" : No matter
what video editing did to make her seem less likeable, there was nothing
she did that seemed mean-spirited or obnoxious, really... "Low":
She even had the right idea of who to ally against...but it was too late. Final
"Survivor" Rating :
Small
Crater
Shane. Best
Remembered As : The Most Interesting Contestant This Season Bar
NONE. The
Short Story: Say what you
will about Shane, but this is a TV show at its core, and nobody came close
to being as entertaining a character as Shane. Certainly not Cerie, who
saw fit to represent her medical profession as registered nurse, by being
given a medical condition to diagnose for Shane in his, um, "private
area," and laughing in his face.
What was up with that, girl? Never mind; this is Shane's summary, after
all, and we have a lot to say. Simply put: thank you, Shane, for making this
season so enjoyable to watch for us back home behind our TVs. In fact, Shane wasn't just a good character all by himself; he made the other contestants
interesting too, with every interaction. Even his outbursts like "I
just want MINE!" were more entertaining than they were obnoxious.
Sure, there was that one moment when he
apparently "lost it completely" and thought a piece of wood was
his "Blackberry," but even then he was still interesting, and
man, did this season need better ways to keep your interest! Booted Off:
Twelth. "High" : As said
already: he was entertainment personified this season. "Low":
Yeah; that whole "wooden Blackberry" moment was a bit much. Final
"Survivor" Rating :
Large
Crater
Cerie. Best
Remembered As : The nurse who giggled to her patient on
national television. The
Short Story: Numbers don't
lie: visitors at the official Survivor Exile Island web site love Cerie.
Sure, they loved Terry even more, but hey, when a (sorry) overweight couch
potato can get to the final four in a game like this, how inspirational is
that? Then again; man, did Cerie test our limits...at least those of us at
Techtite.com. For one thing there was Shane, who strips down to nothing
and asks Cerie about an irritation he has, um, down there. Sure it was an
odd medical question in the middle of a reality TV show, but she was asked
to represent her profession, as a nurse...and decided to laugh in his
face...on national television. Let's be blunt: some nurse friends of mine
were not impressed. Likewise for how she orchestrated the elimination of
Tina in the very first tribal council, when she should have, I don't know;
asked Tina why she was so down. Well, she was down because she was still
sad her son was in a car accident, but knowing that would've given Cerie a
reason to look for someone else to eliminate in the game. But hey;
we can't give Cerie a thumbs-down, exactly. Against seemingly impossible
odds she actually made it to the final four. In fact; if not for a fire challenge,
she'd have made it to final three. Booted Off:
Unlucky Thirteen. "High" : Her
alliance with Aras was kind of nice. "Low": Yet
let me be quite plain: when you're a fireman you do not laugh at fires,
when you're a cop you don't laugh at bank robbers, and please, when you're
a nurse, you do NOT laugh at your patient. Ever. Period. Final
"Survivor" Rating :
Small
Crater
Terry. Best
Remembered As : Love or hate him, he WAS the sole Survivor.
The
Short Story: Some people
don't like Terry because near the end he was a bit caustic. Well of course
he was. His last true ally in the game left fifteen days earlier.
Since then he had young (and admittedly naive) Aras run the show, acting
like he owned the whole game...which he did, but nobody was happy about
that except for Aras, and possibly Cerie. As for Terry: every time he'd
try to make a new friend in the game, that new friend was immediately
booted by the Cerie/Aras/Danielle alliance. That must've been 256 shades
of "frustrating." So, no, we don't blame Terry for flying off
the handle when even the littlest thing happened, like Cerie (cough,
cough) "accidentally" dropping her torch in front of Terry as
they returned to camp, causing him to trip over it...and get pretty upset.
Yet if Terry seemed on-edge, it was with reason. He had impossible odds
against him in the game, immunity talisman or no immunity talisman, and he
played those odds like a professional gambler in the middle of Las Vegas.
Sure, he found a little shrunken head on Exile Island as early as episode
three, and that meant he could lose one challenge and still make it to the
final three, if he won every other challenge. Yet how unlikely was
that? I'm just saying: Terry put not just his A-game on, but an A++
game with a 4.0 GPA. Yet the final immunity challenge was disgustingly
Danielle-friendly (see her own "short story" on that one, next)
and even though D had a promise with Terry, what have promises ever meant
to the typical survivor player? Then again; Terry did win reward
challenges galore, including a new car, and that's something. It's not as
big of a prize as he deserved, but it's something. Booted Off:
Even "Unluckier" Fourteen!
So close! "High" : As
entertaining as Shane was, Terry's winning streak against seemingly
impossible odds was another highlight of the season. "Low":
Agreed; he shouldn't have allowed Cerie/Aras/Danielle to get his
dander up like that, culminating in comments about flight attendants and
whatnot. Yet seeing as how the last flight attendant I can remember gave
me a "drink" that was about 10% "actual" drink and 90%
ice, I'm not going to reduce Terry's Survivor grade for something as
irrelevant as that. Not at all. It's the game of Survivor, after all; not
"Flight School." Final
"Survivor" Rating :
Deep
Impact
Danielle. Best
Remembered As : This season's "Shemp." The
Short Story: Sure, there
have been worthy winners in Survivor history. Ethan from Survivor Africa
comes to mind, as does Brian from Survivor Thailand. Yet most of the time
you have a master strategist like Richard Hatch, and for the most part; if
their strategy was to "Outwit" and "Outlast" more than
"Outplay," so be it. Then there are the people like Tina from
Survivor Australian Outback, who win because of someone else foolishly
giving them the whole game, for no reason than because...well, the reason
always escapes us. Why?!? Now, look; we all feel for Danielle after the
finale made it look like she was about to cry. Not only did she hand R-ass
a million dollars, she denied Terry a minimum hundred grand along the way,
as the second place winner. Think about it. Terry was a good gamer but he
had, shall we say, severe diarrhea of the mouth! Al Danielle had to do is
sugar coat every answer to the jury and Terry would say all the wrong
things. Poof, Danielle would've been a millionaire. Okay; maybe not, since
this is Survivor, and it's anybody's game. Just look at how R-ass won a
million dollars after succeeding in all of two challenges. Yet it can get
frustrating when every Moe, Larry, and Curly in this game more often wins
the grand prize, because of the occasional "Shemp," that hands
them the game on a silver platter. Okay; that's enough smack against
Danielle. I'm sure she cried her eyes out as soon as she got home after
the finale show. As did we all, girl. Booted Off:
The Second Place Winner, which last I checked gets 100 grand, so that's
cool. "High" : Certainly not
a mean player, really, nor a "Jonny Fairplay," by any means... "Low":
But she had a promise to keep with Terry and quite frankly; without
that promise she would never have made it to the final three at all. All
Terry had to do is "ally" with Cerie and Arass and she was gone.
Furthermore: how poorly would Cerie have done in a balancing-on-the-water
challenge? I'm just saying: she owed Terry big time, and she didn't follow
through. That's a big detriment to someone's final survivor rating... Final
"Survivor" Rating :
 Near
Miss
Aras. Best
Remembered As : Aras? Yes you Are. Ass. The
Short Story: Here's the
only good thing we can say here: Aras won the million dollars. Whatsoever
we say after that means little, so why should he worry? Yet here's the
thing: for us home in front of our TV sets, it's all about providing an entertaining
season, so forgive us for ranting a little longer. Aras need not read on
as he counts his money. Fair enough? Let's get started...right at the
beginning. As early as day one "Arass" was asking his fellow
tribe mates to "feel the fire" by holding their hands in the air
and imagining the fire they were about to start. Man; sometimes
contestants start off smart then slowly go downhill, because
of dehydration and whatnot. This guy was on the beach for mere hours, and
already he was totally Coo-Coo for Co-Co Puffs, if you catch my meaning.
Seriously; how did a guy like this make it to the final ten, let alone
final two? Simple: in Arass you had this season's Richard Hatch, who
would've been gone as early as the tribal merge, if not for his natty
alliance of stooges. Yes, "Stooges," because they were all
betting on a horse that would only win one sole immunity challenge. Yes,
"The Three Stooges" ---Cerie, Danielle, and to a lesser extent,
Shane--- because without Aras in the game, they all had a clean shot at
the million dollar prize. How easy was it to win a million dollars, if
Aras could've won it? I'm not trying to be cruel; just honest. He won one
freaking immunity challenge! Yet the three stooges kept Aras in the game
so he could win the million dollars. How nice for them. Now go home, and
go away. Booted Off:
The million dollar lucky schmuck. "High" :
He had a strong alliance, and...well, that's it really. "Low":
Once again, the final winner of a million dollar prize did not need
to do anything in the slightest, aside from show up to pick up the check
on a morning talk show. That's not a "survivor" in our
books. Final
"Survivor" Rating :
 Burnout
...in the end, we were all left with a
season with a whole lot of so-so contestants, all of three slightly
interesting contestants, and two contesants who didn't deserve to be in
the game very long yet made it clear to the final two. In short; another
piss-poor Survivor season. Darn.
---Techtite
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