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Survivor: "Cook Islands"
Once Again: The Winners, The Cheaters, and of course The
Finale...!
Another season of Survivor. Quit your
snoring; that's rude! At least they're trying. That's more than I
can say for American Idol, which seems more interested in bringing
us the next "William Hung" than the next Clay Aiken. Survivor,
well...they're trying. They're really trying.
So what worked this season? Not the race
card; that's for sure. Two episodes in and they chicken out of the amusing
"four tribes of different races" idea. What did work this
season, was in finally finding a deceptive contestant that was
truly likeable. For ages we've seen Richard Hatch or Johnny Fairplay, yet
never has a deceptive contestant been as likeable to hate as, say, J.R.
Ewing on Dallas, or Michael Mancini on Melrose Place. A Survivor
contestant that was just plain enjoyably bad. Who would've thought that
was possible?
However; this is getting ahead of things.
Here's the latest mini-review of the best elements of any season; the contestants.
Let's get started:
Sekou. Best
Tribal Nickname: Female Chauvinist Casualty Du Jour. What
We'll Always Remember Him For: It's
always hard to "remember" the one-episode casualty. Suffice to
say he was in a team of three women and two guys, and the women tried to protect
their chances at winning...by eliminating their team's MVP. Good
"plan," ladies. Booted Off: First.
Rating: A slightly sympathetic 
Small Crater.
Billy. Best
Tribal Nickname : "We is Not I."
What We'll Always Remember Him For:
...Mishearing Candice's admittedly dimwitted compliment to Billy,
"We love you," as a confession of her personal love for him.
This was followed by his national embarrassment of confessing
his one "prize" upon leaving this show in episode two; to have found true love. Ouch; no matter where you're from, that
had to hurt when he saw the truth on TV. Yet he really must've been
counting the minutes of the finale reunion show, only to
have Jeff Probst bring it up in the last 8 minutes. Yet no matter how good
or bad BIlly was in the actual game, we have to give him props ---and a
marginal thumbs-up--- for being so gracious with his reply. Yes, he put
his foot in it, though who hasn't, and his only problem was doing so on
TV. Furthermore; he only said it to try and get the last
word in. I'm sure we've all done that at some point, too. Booted Off:
Second. Rating: Small
Crater.
Cecilia. Best
Tribal Nickname : If Becky wasn't "The Crafty One,"
She Sure was The Lucky One tonight. What We'll Always Remember Her
For: Suffice to say that in a male-dominant tribe, it was
clear one of the women was going tonight. We just hoped it wasn't Cecilia.
Yet here is a perfect case of how one should know who their opposition is
voting for before trying to keep themselves on the block. See; had Cecilia
lobbied for abrasive Jessica to be voted off, maybe she would've had a
chance. Yet she went after Becky, which as we know straight to the finale,
was never going to "fly" with Yul. So he and his posse (which
surprisingly at this point did not include Ozzy) lobby to keep Becky.
Unfortunately this posse included Jessica. Two guesses who was leaving.
No; not Sundra. Sorry, Cecilia. Booted Off:
Third. Rating:
Small
Crater.
JP. Best
Tribal Nickname : Female Chauvinist Casualty Du Jour. What
We'll Always Remember Him For: Out
of over 100 forgettable lines by Parvati this season, her summary of JP
---and why they eliminated him--- says it succinctly: "JP's very
demanding. He's like, 'Hand me that machete, hand me this bowl, serve me.'
I'm like no. That just doesn't fly with me at all." Nor any other
teammate, it would seem. Booted Off:
Fourth. Rating:
Hey, at least he was entertaining...sort of, giving him a marginal thumbs-up of: Small
Crater.
Stephanie. Best
Tribal Nickname : Flip-Flops What
We'll Always Remember Her For: Stephanie
at first seemed gracious and wanted out of the game because she felt she
was the weakest link, or whatever. Then she helps
eliminate someone else...and what's more, it was the biggest and possibly
most strong member of their tribe. That doesn't fly well with us. It was only
a matter of time when she really, really had it with the game, and was eliminated, though
what about those contestants who never wanted to quit, and had to
leave early? Hmm? Booted Off:
Fifth. Rating:
Sorry: 
Near Miss.
Cao Boi. Best
Tribal Nickname : Oy, Boy. What We'll
Always Remember Him For: Hmm;
what to remember Cao Boi for? How about his racist jokes that left even
his own tribe of all-Asian contestants uneasy...? No; we'll probably
remember him best for trying to attack a mother bird's nest for her eggs,
only to accidentally throw a baby bird from the nest and have to put it
back. Interpret that as you will, though even if that bird was still in
its egg, that's pretty low. It's hardly like they would've been fed by one
egg from a waterfowl bird, anyway. Booted Off:
Sixth. Rating:
Sorry again:
Near Miss.
Cristina. Best
Tribal Nickname : Male Chauvinist Casualty Du Jour. What
We'll Always Remember Her For: Hey;
it's not like turnabout isn't fair play. Yet we didn't like it when the
women booted their male MVP for no other reason than to stay in the game
in the first three days, and we hardly feel it less "sexist"
when the men boot the woman on the tribe who voiced her opinions. Sure she
was abrasive, though so was just about everyone this season. There's also
the little matter of how, in over a dozen seasons of Survivor, no female
has ever been allowed to be the head of an alliance. The only exception
was one of the battle of the sexes type seasons (aka; the suckiest
seasons), where women had an alliance yet nobody stepped up as leader. Let's put it
this way: when confronting her tribe about calling her out in the prior
tribal council, she is "put in her place" by Adam. Nobody
deserves to be talked down to by Adam. Ouch. Booted Off:
Seventh. Rating:
 Large
Crater.
Jessica. Best
Tribal Nickname : The friend of my friend...wait; what were we
talking about? What We'll Always Remember Her For:
To be perfectly candid, it's not like a woman speaking her mind is illegal.
Gee; where have I said that before? Oh yeah; just last week. Yet this is
different. Cristina was called out for being an alpha female in a team of
alpha males. Jessica was, well...sorry, but she was pretty obnoxious.
Sure, you can defend her and say she had every right to speak her mind.
Then again; this is a nationally broadcast reality game show, not
"Yammer about how you really feel and annoy everyone."
Jessica was honest, you can give her that. She was also pretty annoying. Booted Off:
Eighth. Rating:
Near
Miss.
Brad. Best
Tribal Nickname : Underdog Casualty. What
We'll Always Remember Him For: We
had nothing against Brad. We would've loved to see the women stop cooing
about Adam and booted "Adumb" instead. Yet someone had to go, if just
to offer viewers the real thrill of
this season; seeing four underdogs have their day. No; we're not
talking about Nate, Adam, Parvati, and Candice. They wish! No; the real underdog
thrill this season was seeing Aito win the immunity challenge, against all
odds, after a double-mutiny by Candice and Jonathan. We can
forgive this season's enjoyable "villain" (Jonathan) for mutinying, though
what about Candice? Let's just say we were happy that Aito had
their comeuppance and sent Candice packing to Exile Island, and happier
still that Aito proved that a tribe strong can win against all odds. Unfortunately,
that meant someone would be sent
home over at Raro tribe, and with all the women at Adam's ankles, Brad was
the one to go. Sorry, guy. Booted Off:
Ninth. Rating:
Small
Crater.
Rebecca AND Jenny. Best
Tribal Nickname : It Should've Been Candice, Parts One...and
Two. What We'll Always Remember Her AND Her For:
Rebecca and Jenny were hardly bad contestants. They just didn't play
the game well. How could you say otherwise when they were eliminated by
their own tribe, with two "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards in their
midst? Series host Jeff Probst sweetened the deal by saying that in a
surprise element of the game, Brad was to be jury member number one. This
was a sign of two things. One: the tribal merge was very eminent, so get
rid of the wild cards, not your most loyal teammates. Two: every person eliminated from here on out was
a jury member, and that meant they were NOT to be blindsided,
and furthermore, they should all be happy with your game plan. Let's put
it this way: Aito kept sending Candice to
Exile Island. Furthermore; she was never really a member of Raro,
and for "A-Dumb" to feel so just because he had the hots for her
was a sure sign of bad things to come. Suffice to say it should've been Candice
tonight, and Raro had not one, but TWO chances to eliminate her. They chose to eliminate
Rebecca...and then Jenny. Why? Well they kept Jonathan simply because
they're idiots and, while jumping ahead a little; you reap what you sow,
idiots! They kept Candice in the game because Adam liked her, which is a
lot like keeping Pamela Anderson's poster on your wall because Tommy
Lee likes her. Think about it. In the end, they kept Jonathan, kept
Candice, and booted two of their own most loyal teammates. Ooh! Good plan,
guys! Booted Off:
10th and 11th. Rating:
For both ladies: Small
Crater.
Nate. Best
Tribal Nickname : Hypocrisy, thy name is "Nate." What
We'll Always Remember Him For: We
don't like to turn daggers thrust into players' backs. So let's keep it
short. Nate wanted to eliminate Jonathan three tribal votes ago...and
eliminated Brad. He then thought about eliminating Jonathan not once, but
twice, in the prior double-elimination tribal council. Nope; he kept
Jonathan. So the tribes merge and lo and behold; Jonathan suspects his
tribe-that-isn't probably really isn't, and flip-flops back over to
his old Aito tribe. So Nate is the one that's sent packing, while saying
in his parting thoughts something that sounded like "How dare
Jonathan eliminate me before I could eliminate him!"
Oh, cry me a river, would you, dude? Booted Off:
12th. Rating: Look at the
bright side; he wasn't Adam, so:
Near Miss.
Candice. Best
Tribal Nickname : Ho Ho Ho...sans Santa. What
We'll Always Remember Her For: First
of all, let's be blunt. When you have been given the clearest sign
possible that you're on the short end of the alliance stick, do you go up
to the larger alliance and tell them off? Candice thought so. That alone would be the perfect, short-yet-sweet summary of
what we'll remember Candice for. Yet we'll also remember Candice for all
the times she cuddled up to Adam, which was hardly as "romantic"
as Candice probably thought. In fact; it was more like a foot cuddling up
to fungus. Look at the bright side, Candice; in that simile, you are the
foot. Unfortunately that's the part of the body furthest from the brain,
as evident when Adam cuddles up to Candice and Parvati at the same
freaking time, and both ladies act like they're the luckiest girls in
the whole wide world. Creepy, creepy, creepy. Mind you; the alliance that
was her old tribe did not boot her for being creepy. They booted her
because she was so ready to snuggle up to "Adumb' that she mutinied from
her own tribe to do it. That's reason enough to eliminate her. The elimination of
creepiness? That's just gravy. Booted Off:
Ironically...13th. Rating: There's
never any easy way to say this: 
Burnout.
Jonathan. Best
Tribal Nickname : Dr. Will Mancini-Ewing. What
We'll Always Remember Him For: Let's
get right to it: Jonathan was the best part of this season. Yes, you read
that right. He was devious yet he was entertaining. He
backstabbed every person he could have in the game, yet was
entertaining. He had the underhandedness of "Dallas'"
J.R.
Ewing, the deception of Melrose Place's Michael Mancini,
and much like Doctor Will from Big Brother; he was the most
enjoyably dark
horse to have ever lasted this long in the game. Yet: He ...was
...entertaining.
That's more than we can say for Adam, aka Adumb, aka "what kind of
stupid pill did Yul and Ozzy take to spell 'Adam' J-o-n-a-t-h-a-n?!?"
I'm serious; even if they didn't find Jon entertaining, he was their
ace in the hole. No jury member would've voted for Jonathan. He was the
"villain" of the season, after all, who has backstabbed them
all...entertaining as that may have been. So Yul's alliance keeps Adam and Parvati in the
game, and eliminates Jonathan. That's like...no; I have no decent
metaphors for that one. It was just so stupid. Their alliance is in
tatters now that it's clear anybody is a target. What's more; Adam wasn't
immune tonight, and the chance to eliminate him may sadly never come
again. As I said; stupid. Did we say enough how entertaining Jonathan was?
Yes. Did we say enough how annoying Adam is? Not hardly. So you eliminate
the best part of the season and keep the annoying womanizing schmuck. Nice
job, guys. Booted Off:
14th. Rating:
 Deep
Impact.
Parvati. Best
Tribal Nickname : "It's what I do best!" What
We'll Always Remember Her For: Sometimes
people say things on national television that they'll always regret. Just
ask Billy, who must've said the same thing for 14 weeks by now,
ever since mishearing that Candice was in "love" with him. Yet
in Parvati we had one of the season's most annoyingly repetitive blurbs in
commercial preview history. That would be how flirting with dimwitted men "is what I do best." Then she gives this smile that...well, how
do we put this delicately? You know how some people practice in front of a
mirror before making expressions that might embarrass them in public? Well, they probably do this,
because they made an expression like Parvati's when saying what she
"does best." Not that we're mercilessly picking on poor Parvati.
Hey; we all
make mistakes, so it's not like we're trying to be mean here. It's just
that such a mistake is "What We'll Remember Her For." As for her sharing a naked
hot tub with Ozzy and Yul in her final reward challenge win, well...that's
just gravy. Likewise for her assumption in tonight's episode: that she and
Adam were the underdogs this season who everyone was rooting for. Sorry,
girl, but that honor went to Yul, Ozzy, Sundra and Becky, the moment their
tribe was mutinied against. The underdogs are winning this season
(huzzah!). Unfortunately, you're not one of them. Sorry. Booted Off:
15th. Rating:
Near Miss.
Adam. Best
Tribal Nickname : Man you must have smelled! What
We'll Always Remember Him For: Some
guys can pull it off. Adam could not. By
"it" we mean: trying to look like a dirty faced rascally rogue without
looking simply dirty. In his defense he was on an island with no toothpaste or soap or other hygiene products to speak of, so it's not
like he wasn't pedaling uphill here. Yet for all the video edits that
seemed to think he was the cat's meow, he more often looked like something
the cat dragged in. In fact, for some strange reason we kept wondering how
much this dirty looking dude must've smelled, while Parvati and Candice
flirted away. That's what we'll remember him for. Sorry. Booted Off:
16th. Rating:
Near Miss.
Sundra. Best
Tribal Nickname : The short end of the match. What
We'll Always Remember Her For:
What's worse than the short end of a stick? The extinguished end of a
match. That's what happened to poor Sundra, when her chance at a million
went up in smoke...and no, we're not done with the droll fire-challenge
puns, yet. How could we be, when Sunda and Becky must settle a tie breaker
with a fire challenge, only to have it last 90 minutes (seriously)? After
one hour series host Jeff Probst said they'd be given matches.
After half an hour more Sundra had run out of all her matches. We're guessing her
stove at home is not gas powered. She also must not like barbecues. Okay;
we're done with the jokes...well, except for one. Think about it: the only way
Sundra or Becky could've won against Yul and Ozzy, is if they had some fire
left in them. Neither of them had a chance. Becky had to sit in
front of the final jury minute after minute, with very few questions asked
to her. At least Sundra went home as an important part of the jury...and with
one whale of a good laugh, we're sure. Booted Off:
17th. Rating:
Small
Crater
Becky. Best
Tribal Nickname : "The Crafty One." What
We'll Always Remember Her For: With
all due respects, we'll always remember Becky as the girl who had Yul
wrapped around her little finger. He was the godfather, though this godfather
had a "godmother" on that beach, let me tell you that! There
wasn't a single idea that wasn't pitched to Becky. This gave her the
online nickname of "the crafty one," even though some people
were so taken in by her craftiness they didn't even know where the
nickname came from. Yet the truth is: Yul owed nothing to Becky, yet he
acted like her acceptance of every idea in the game was crucial. Why? She
had no immunity talisman, she wasn't Ozzy, and if it wasn't for Yul
and Ozzy and Sundra, she would've been long gone. Yet this is Survivor, so
we can all say that while Becky wasn't lucky, the viewers certainly were.
In any other season, the jury would've pulled a "Vecepia"
and voted for the person least worthy of the final prize, if just as a
bitter pill that the worthy winners had to swallow. Yet the loser
lodge must've had several extra pieces of humble pie, because even
Jonathan had to accept the fact that Yul Outwitted them while Ozzy
Outplayed them. As for Outlast; we'll give Becky that, though she was
extremely lucky. Then again; how "lucky" can lucky get? It's one
thing to be final three. To be one of three people given the chance at a
million? That's something else. Rating:
Small
Crater.
Ozzy. Best
Tribal Nickname : "The Dominator." What
We'll Always Remember Him For: We'll
always remember Ozzy as the contestant who actually grew on us as the
season commenced. More often we have a clear favorite in the premiere, or
perhaps someone we like until they do something really underhanded. Yet in
Ozzy we had the guy who started off more than a little arrogant, yet for
some reason he got some humility near the end, and was suddenly the
underdog to root for. Sure, he was still the alpha male of the season,
which meant he was still slightly cocky, and what's more; he had every
reason to be. Consider the reward challenge where the
object was to get the most mud in your bucket. Not
one bucket besides Ozzy's went above 25 pounds...yet Ozzy's was 45
pounds. That's the sort of competitor Ozzy was. Yet in the totally
whack-a-doo world of Survivor, there is no "MVP" in the word
"Survivor." Yul would win the million for no other reason than
12 day old strategy. Yeah, see; he had a sort of "pact" with
Parvati and Adam to vote for him if he eliminated Jonathan before
eliminating them. It's little moves like this that win the million. The
good news...? Viewers could vote for who got the car this season...and it
was Ozzy. Booted Off:
Second place...does that still mean $100 grand? We hope so! Rating:
Deep
Impact.
Yul. Best
Tribal Nickname : Ozzy Rules. Spock rules harder. What
We'll Always Remember Him For: It
was actually quite easy to root for Yul. He was the one with the immunity
talisman this season, after all. He was also the man with a plan. That's
more than you can say for many of the people this season, who seemed less
like Rob from Survivor All-Stars and more like, well...Lex from Survivor
Africa. Sorry Lex though you really shouldn't listen "to your
gut" like that. So this season had a whole bunch of people with
foolish plans, against Yul's clear cut thinking. You had Jonathan and
Candice mutinying from their tribe, when that tribe included Ozzy and Yul.
You had Nate on the opposing tribe, who kept Candice and Jonathan, even at
the expense of his own, more loyal teammates. You had Jonathan double
cross everybody in the game and still decide to be as obnoxious as he
always was, which led to him being eliminated by his own new alliance. In
defense of all the above "strategists," it wasn't like Yul
always thought clearly. Not too long ago, Becky insisted that he consider
eliminating Ozzy, which would've sent the final three in a tailspin. Booted Off:
This season's winner Rating:
Large
Crater.
...See you back here, right up to the
finale, for the recap of every Survivor Cook Islands
contestant...including the winner!
---Techtite
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Final
Rating: Large Crater. Too
much Adam and Parvati for my tastes, yet otherwise this was a season
with not one, but two worthy winners in the final three (three?),
and that made for one of the better seasons. |
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