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Techtite's TV Reviews! |
"Why they cancelled Pirate Master and didn't cancel this craptacular series, I'll never know." ---from the review ------------------ Sidebar :: ------------- No "Sidebar" Commentary for this review. Yet...
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Big Brother 8
A Techtite TV ReviewImagine you're in charge of Big Brother. It's 2007. Kaysar is gone. "Jedi Janie" is gone. The trick to make them able to return for a premature "all star" season is ---wait for it--- gone. What can you do to keep Big Brother from being, well...crap? The answer will have to wait until Big Brother 9, unfortunately. Not only was Big Brother 8 crap: it was the first time this online TV critic has ever quit a Big Brother season early...as did many others, I am sure. Some left when Dick burned Jennifer with a cigarette, and Jennifer was the one "punished." Some left when Danielle whined for the tenth time. Some left when she pouted for the hundredth time. Viewers left...and left...and left. Will this be the final season? No...though it really should be. This season's inane "twist": three house guests were put in the house with troublesome people from their past. A daughter doesn't talk to her dad. Shocking! Dustin and Joe were together and now are not. Surprising! Oh, and who can believe that Jessica gave Carol five dollars in grade school...and she never gave it back? The horror!!! This is a twist? If anything, it was just: pathetic! Well...not as pathetic as "America's Player," though let's leave that for the reviews of each house guest... The Techtite.com ratings system (icon version):
----------------------------------------------- Carol Best
One-Line Summary : They actually talked about her more,
after she was
gone! In
Short Summary: Short story: Carol was put in the house with
Jessica. Emasculate men love blondes who talk like cartoon characters, so they
kept Jessica and booted Carol. The whole house spends the
rest of the season convincing themselves they made the right decision. Booted Off:
First. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Amber. HOH
that week (nominations): Kail. High
Point : We wish we got to know you better, Carol... Low
Point: ...then again: you should've started playing the game sooner. Rating :
Joe Best
One-Line Summary : Dustin's Ex. In
Short Summary: Joe was put in the house with his
"ex," Dustin. To hear Joe tell it: Dustin gave him gonorrhea.
So why boot Joe, and not Dustin? Because, well...that's pretty private
information. What secrets would Joe tell about anyone
else in the house? Nobody wanted to find out. Bye, Joe. Booted Off:
Second. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Dick (after veto). HOH
that week (nominations): Jennifer. High
Point : If it's any consolation, Joe's (relatively) amicable
eviction was much nicer than Dustin's. Low
Point: Seriously, dude; "he cheated on me" would have sufficed.
Nobody wants to hear about, um...that. Rating :
Mike Best
One-Line Summary : Chivalry isn't dead; it's just evicted. In
Short Summary: Mike was unlikely to be targeted for weeks. Then Kail gets nominated and he feels chivalrous. So
he provokes Dick...and Dick, who's HOH, puts Mike up for eviction, next
to Kail. Suddenly, Mike is the
"pawn"...except not, because we all know "pawn" in Big Brother lingo is
synonymous with "your backside is going out the door, dude." Booted Off:
Third. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Kail (after veto). HOH
that week (nominations): Dick. High
Point : Well, yeah, he is a chivalrous guy... Low
Point: Yet what good is a chivalrous player for Kail, now that
her best ally is gone? Rating :
Nick Best
One-Line Summary : Nick ---and America--- Betrayed! In
Short Summary: Nick's biggest folly: another attempt at a Big
Brother "Showmance" ...in this case, with Danielle. Problem: Danielle
was in the house with her dad. What guy could be romantic, with dad
in the same room? Add to that a dad's paranoia that Nick was a "threat,"
and Nick was on very thin ice. What broke that ice? Eric. Yeah, Eric;
"America's Player" (supposedly), the mousy house guest who fantasized about being the "Casanova" of the house,
and Nick was "in the way." Yes: seriously.
Fortunately; America loved Nick, and was in charge of Eric's vote, so he
couldn't boot Nick himself. Unfortunately, Eric and Nick were in a house of knuckleheads, so when Eric told them Nick was deceptive, that was all
they needed to hear ...including Danielle, who sheepishly voted against
Nick, too. Ouch. So one of America's favorite
house guests is gone,
"America's Player" Eric totally Punk'd America, and the whole house is
in turmoil. It's enough to have one unruly viewer fly a banner over the
house and tell Eric off...though that's a story best left for next week... Booted Off:
Fourth. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Kail (after veto). HOH
that week (nominations): Dustin. High
Point : As optimistic as it gets: he got to leave the house before
the whole season fell apart. Low
Point: Upon his eminent elimination, Nick shaved his head into a
Mohawk, which was pretty foolish. All it did is make Eric
look "right" when saying Nick had gone totally nuts. Rating :
Kail Best
One-Line Summary : We knew it would happen, however... In
Short Summary: Imbeciles in the house were "angry" at Kail, for creating an
alliance first. That horrid gal entered the house with a strategy: The
horror! Sarcasm aside: no sooner did it seem like the house
was "over" their own hypocrisy against Kail, then Danielle wins HOH.
Well, that was bad news for Kail, because by week five, Danielle was a
basket case. First of all she had just helped evict
Nick, who she obviously liked quite a bit. Second: a banner flown over
the house during the HOH competition said: "We [heart] Nick! Amber and Eric are liars!
LNC is the New Nerd Herd." Seeing as how LNC was Dick and
Danielle's own alliance ---which, they originally presumed, Eric was a
part of--- quickly
led to paranoia in Danielle. So who does she nominate for eviction?
Jennifer and Kail. Nope; I don't get it either. She then tries to
backdoor Eric, which did little other than divide Danielle and Dick from
their only remaining allies in the house, after eliminating Nick. Nope; I didn't get that, either. What I did get is how the
house was ready to give Kail a free pass for the week, yet she was put
up against Eric, and his alliance ---with or without Dick and
Danielle--- had no choice. Kail "had" to go. Yeah; I can see
that. I can also see why the house
was now really, really against Dick and Danielle...though how could they evict
them? Booted Off:
Fifth. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Jen (before veto), Eric (after veto). HOH
that week (nominations): Danielle. High
Point : In a season of crying, pouting and high-pitched voices;
Kail was a female house guest to be reckoned with. Low
Point: As homophobic as her comments often were, Dustin's
"farewell message" to her was a bit harsh. Rating :
Dustin Best
One-Line Summary : Marcellas' BIG snafu finally has a successor... In
Short Summary: Jumping ahead: it was a mistake to evict Dustin. I
say this, because "America" used their tie vote, America's Player, to
evict Dustin...to our eternal shame. We felt Dustin was more
obnoxious...although at the time, the opinion had merit. Who besides
Dustin would be
given a king's robe in a food challenge, only to wear it, repeatedly,
for the remainder of his stay in the house? Dustin was so sure he was the "King" of
the house, he let his own alliance put him on the block as a "pawn" against Dick. He felt he had the votes.
Well, he had two...and America had
the third. Eric, as America's Player, had to vote differently. In one
of many bizarre moments
this season, America helped eliminate "The New Nerd Herd" and
make sure the final four were decent folk...maybe. What's this newer,
nerdier "Herd" emerging...and why are they targeting Jennifer? Booted Off:
Sixth. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Dick (after veto). HOH
that week (nominations): Jessica. High
Point : In
any list of "Memorable BB moments," Dustin losing to Dick would be in the top ten. Low
Point: When Dick was shouting some his worst insults at Jameka and
Amber, Dustin stayed in the doorway, and said nothing. Rating :
Jennifer Best
One-Line Summary : The ONLY reason this season was not complete crap. In
Short Summary: Let Dick's tween fanboys believe what they want;
Jennifer was the
caffeine to this season's Sominex, or rather, the "pop" to this season's
"corn"...and brother, did this season have corn!
From Amber's crying to Dick's ranting; some people took this G-A-M-E a
bit too seriously, didn't they? Then along comes Jennifer who
---gasp!--- is just there to have fun. What a coincidence; we're only
watching the show to have fun! Unfortunately; Jennifer's
attitude didn't mesh with the other house guest's "seriousness" towards
the game blah blah blah, so the "whole house" felt Jen had to
go...blah. Yet if they were the "Good People" they insisted: why were
they the ones trying to dehumanize Jen,
relentlessly?
Nothing she did on this
show was worth the flak she received in the house...as has been said in
many an article by now. Read another web site's "The
Desolation of Jen," and be enlightened. Even
MSNBC
wrote a piece on "Big Brother's Competing 'Realities.' " Indeed.
So dehumanized was
Jennifer by the other knucklehead house guests; Dick burned
her with his cigarette, and
the house insisted "Jennifer started
it." That's how asinine this season was. As Jennifer herself put it
in her farewell speech; she just didn't fit in with the sort of people
in this house. Nor would most human beings, really. Booted Off:
Seventh. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Jameka (after veto). HOH
that week (nominations): Danielle. High
Point : Her exit was classy, sassy, and the perfect cryptic
"middle finger" to the rest of the house. Low
Point: Though it's a moot point now; it was a mistake for Jennifer
to save Dick. Rating :
Amber Best
One-Line Summary : Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo, boo-hoo...wait;
is that my hoo-haa? In
Short Summary: Once back home, Amber has two surprises. One: although her tears worked like a charm in the
house, it dropped her CBS.com favoritism rating to a lowly 0.5. While
possibly crying about that, she'll come across surprise number
two: her private parts spammed all over the internet, after showcasing
them straight at the camera on the live video feeds. To make matters
worse; she did so during Showtime's "Big Brother After Dark," which
means even people without online live feeds got to see it. Oops...! Yet it's
kind of hard to feel terribly sorry for Amber, after hearing her comments about Jews; comments so crass, CBS dared not air
them on TV. Interpret this as you will; as soon as Amber's commentary
was spammed all over the internet, Jewish
house guest Eric Stein's CBS.com "popularity" rating quickly rose
from 0.2 to 9.7.
In four days. Two guesses if it's just "coincidence"
this was right when Amber made her comments about Jews. In a crazy
world, Eric owes a lot to Amber. His popularity rose, all thanks to her!
How's that for spin control? Booted Off:
Eighth. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Zack. HOH
that week (nominations): Jessica. High
Point : Her Power of Ten game show appearance was entertaining, at
least. Low
Point: Rumor is she
wasn't given an interview upon eviction, because of the uproar over her
comments in-house. We must confess: one added reason we gave her a
rating of "Burnout," is because of the backlash if we did not.
Let's just more on to the next house guest... Rating :
Jessica Best
One-Line Summary : Eric got 40 grand for screwing up
your chances in the game. Booyah. In
Short Summary: Jessica, like many women in the house, tried to not
be the "Erica" to a guy's "Mike Boogie." In short: no female house guest wanted to help someone get half a million while they got a 50 grand "booby prize."
Unfortunately, romance is found in the strangest of places, and for that
matter, under the strangest of circumstances. Who could've expected
Jessica to start an in-house romance with Eric, who by coincidence, was
also America's Player? We can only hope Jessica takes the news about
Eric in stride, and realizes that he, and America, had her best
interests in mind. Unfortunately, America ---and the whole house, really--- made a big
error some weeks back, when eliminating Dustin and keeping Dick. The
domino effect helped America's Player...though at what cost, for Jessica? Had Jessica gone with "her gut" she would've kept Jameka and Amber in the house, nominated Dick and Danielle
for eviction last week, and bada-bing, she'd be in the final four.
Unfortunately, she did what Eric/"America" egged her on to do...and that got her
evicted, with Eric right behind her. However, before Jessica worries if
she is this season's Erica, think of it this way: Eric is hardly this
season's Mike Boogie. That dubious honor goes to America. So sorry we ruined your game, Jess. Booted Off:
Ninth. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Jameka. HOH
that week (nominations): Zack. High
Point : Her romance/"Showmance" with Eric was a high point of this
lowest-point of a season. Low
Point: Is that your real voice? Really? Rating :
Eric Best
One-Line Summary : No offense, Eric: "America's Player" was a
stupid idea. In
Short Summary: When actually being America's Player, Eric wound up
becoming one of the better parts of the season. He'd do whatever task
America voted for him to do at the end of every show, and he earned 10
grand for every five tasks completed, for a total of 40 grand upon his
eviction; not bad, when even the second place winner gets just 50 grand. Yet
unlike Jessica, "America" cannot be at fault for ruining Eric's game;
no, in Eric's case, we're what helped
him get as far as he did...for better, or for worse. Had he not allied with Dick to boot
Dustin ---per "America's" orders--- he would've been gone the very next
week, when Danielle was the new HOH. Even if he was saved from eviction
that week, Dustin made it clear that as soon as his
alliance needed someone gone, Eric was first to
go. Think about that, then consider how
impossible it was for Eric to have gotten any further in the game, than
we helped him get. Look at the bright side: he leaves
the season with 40 grand and...Jessica? Well, if she has a good sense of
humor, yes. If not, don't blame us. We, much like Eric, did our
best playing this game. We're also still a bit bummed about that whole
evicting Nick thing. We're not saying that the added pressure of being
"America's Player" was easy. What we are
saying ---as we're sure Eric will agree--- is that America's Player was
a bad idea. Booted Off:
Tenth. Opposing
Nominated Evictee: Jameka. HOH
that week (nominations): Dick, in a surprise quickie double
eviction episode. High
Point : The other half of one of the cuter romances this season. Low
Point: His rant to Jennifer
upon her eviction was uncalled
for. We get it: you truly hated Jennifer. Whatever, dude. Rating :
That being said: here's Techtite.com's Take on The so-called "Final Four: Jameka
Best One-Line Summary : Mmmm Hmmm... In Short Summary:
Jameka ticked off some people with her devout religious beliefs. Well,
in the words of Danielle Donato: like, whatever! She's Christian, so she
prayed. So did Kaysar, and we never heard a single sardonic comment
about it, nor did CBS air sardonic music whenever he prayed. How
politically correct CBS must feel right now...but I digress. Jameka's
mistakes in the game were hardly due to prayer. For one, she mistakenly
surrendered the chance to play as HOH for five weeks; a major mistake,
seeing as how Jameka as HOH could've shifted the whole game. What's more; she didn't tell people what they needed to hear most
of the time. A
house guest would say something callous and 99% of the time Jameka would
reply, "Mmmm Hmmm," or in other words, "I can't say anything nice
so I'll say nothing at all." Sure she is one of the few house guests to
actually fight back during one of Dick's many rants, and for that we
must thank Jameka, for one of the most memorable moments of the season.
Yet in the end she really should've stopped saying "Mmm Hmm" so much and
just started playing. Unfortunately, with her unable to
play the game for five weeks, it wasn't meant to be. Booted Off:
We're guessing: 11th. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Dick.
HOH that week (nominations): Zack. High Point :
One of the only people in the house who actually had the stones to put
Dick in his place when yelled at. You go girl. Low Point:
Obviously: forfeiting
HOH.
Rating :
Zack Best
One-Line Summary : Curly. In
Short Summary: Every reality season has it's stooge; the player
who stupidly hands someone else the
game on a silver platter. In this case, we present to you this
season's stooge, Curly...er, Zack, who had half a million in his grasp,
and blew it. No we're not talking about the final HOH challenge; we're
talking about the double eviction night, one week earlier. Quick question: as soon as Dick and Danielle back stabbed
Jessica out the door, and were ready to do the same to Eric, what in
Zack's mind possessed him to believe
his "alliance" was the one Dick would "keep"...?
Ask yourself that, when I tell you Zack won the veto.
Had he used it, he would've been immune, and even as HOH, Dick would've
had to nominate Danielle, as the only available option. Zack and Jameka would vote
out Danielle and they and Eric could have dominated the game.
That would count as "good strategy." Waiting until Dick and Danielle were too powerful? Not so
much. That's something to think about when everyone says "Oh...so close,
Zack!" when he returns
home empty handed. Booted Off:
Last (predicted) Opposing
Nominated Evictee: None; HOH
that week (nominations): Dick or Danielle (again, predicted, and yet:
predictable). High
Point : Up until the end, he always voted his own way... Low
Point: ...so why did he feel in the last weeks that he "had" to
kiss Dick's filthy backside and do everything that he said? Rating :
Danielle
Best One-Line Summary : Caffeine Free Diet Dick.
In Short Summary: Caffeine Free Diet Soda; what's the point?
Without the caffeine and without the sugar, why not drink water? Such
was the paradox that was Dick's daughter, Danielle. Danielle tried hard to be daddy's girl, and play the game just like
daddy. Problem is: not unlike caffeine free diet soda, she lacked the
stones, the rage, or in particular, the prepubescent humor of her
father. To be fair: she also lacked the sexism, arrogance, and quite
frankly, Dick's total apathy toward the feelings of
another human being. That's something for Danielle to be proud of;
sometimes, the acorn does roll away from the tree. Yet
Danielle will learn soon after leaving the house, that there's more to
this game than just "winning." She felt Daddy would do anything to help her in the game,
and she was right...though at what cost? Her real life boyfriend moved
out of their apartment. She'll never be able to walk the streets again
without someone recognizing her...and as a result, ridiculing her, if
just because they're too scared to ridicule Dick to his face. What's
worse: there's an old proverb that it's better to have an honest enemy than a
false friend, so love or hate Danielle; she's unlikely to win this game,
since she could've saved the whole jury from Dick's wrath, and didn't.
The only thing worse than someone being as cruel as Dick, is if someone
stands beside him, laughing. Something to think about when Danielle wins second place. Booted Off:
Our prediction: Danielle, 50 grand.
Opposing Nominated Evictee: none. HOH that week
(nominations): None. High Point : Seeing her break down
in tears after the
first part of the final HOH challenge ---freezing, shaking,
and sobbing in a hot shower--- showed a moral, human side of Danielle we
rarely got to see from her, thanks to being next to her "evel" dad all
the time.
Low Point: There's any number of times she could've told dear
old dad to
cool it, and she didn't. That in itself is saying something about
daddy's little girl. Rating :
"Evel" Dick
Best One-Line Summary : Eat, Spit, Fart, Belch, Gobble, Nibble,
Chew... In Short Summary: Dick farted, belched, and spit his way into
the hearts of many a junior high fanboy. Adults, for the most part,
seem to know better. How "evel" was Evel Dick? "Evel"
enough to fight with Jennifer with a lit cigarette in his hand, until he
"accidentally" burned her...and convinced the house she
"accidentally" burned
herself. Look; fanboys can replay YouTube footage of
this "accident" until they see what they want to
see, though let's be clear: if I
"accidentally" got burned by Dick's cigarette, his cigarette
would "accidentally" get rammed up his backside. Of course, what could
one expect from the man who insulted Jameka's religious beliefs,
made homophobic rants to Dustin, insulted every other house guest
in the entire house,
and worst of all: said he'd like to rape Jennifer until she
started to bleed. Need I go on? Yet through it all; kids loved the
funny farting guy. Thanks for when you entertained the kiddies with your
farts, Dick. Now go away. Opposing Nominated Evictee:
None? Darn.
HOH that week (nominations): None. High Point :
His compassion for his daughter is intriguing. Then again: so are reptiles who
"compassionately" don't eat their young. Low Point:
Thanks to Dick's underhanded success: next season will have thousands of
"Dicks" applying
for the show...and CBS will probably, stupidly, hire them all.
Rating :
Opinions? Speak your mind in Techtite's Letters Page!
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