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Techtite's TV Reviews! |
"Yao-Man saved the season (barely), with way too many mistakes. Yet the season's format of 'starving' one team while feeding another was ridiculous. Better luck next season guys." ---from the review. -------------------
Other Survivor seasons reviewed:
------------------ Sidebar :: ------------- A better season than Vanuatu? No. A better season than Palau? No. A better season than Guatemala? No. ----------------- Feel free to contribute. As always, review submissions are accepted! -----------------
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Survivor: FigiOnce Again: Blah, Blah, and oh yeah...blah.
If there's one reality series that constantly snatches defeat from the jaws of victory, it's Survivor. While the formula of this over-glorified game show is perfect, someone each season tries to reinvent the wheel. Their newest idea: spoil one tribe rotten while practically starving the other tribe to death. Think about this one: they feed one team lobster and steak, while the other team is starved, only to have the promos for each episode act like, "Gee, who will win the next challenge? Bet you can't guess...!" Who were we to root for here: the starving people picked off like flies, or the well fed team given even more food than the "hamsters" of Big Brother? Then again, it's like I've been saying throughout the series: no reality show is good unless they chose good contestants. I used to feel these contestants were worth our pity if they left the show early, though you know what? Not really. You can't apply for national TV for a million dollars, screw up royally, and expect the pity of, say, what's her name in season two who wished we all forgot her (and guess what? We did! Congratulations, you-know-who...!). After all; it's not like we're rating you as people; just as contestants. That said, let's get going: ------------------------------------------------ Jessica. Best
Tribal Nickname : "Colleen" in worse circumstances.
What We Remember:
Maybe we're flattering her more than she deserves, but Jessica was
admittedly cute and, had she been placed in a better tribe, would've
stayed for as long as first season's "Colleen." She might've even grown
a little on us. Of course, her team felt that it was better to keep
Rocky, because hey, everybody loves Rocky. Except that by "love Rocky"
we mean the movie, and this guy's no Sly Stallone, nor is this a boxing
match. Sorry to see you go, Jessica. Booted Off:
First Rating:
Erica. Best
Tribal Nickname : Strong. Fierce. Eliminted.
What We Remember:
To hear the official web site for this season, Erica was one of the
"strongest" and "fiercest" women in her tribe. So why boot her? Well,
okay; "because she opened her mouth" would be a fair enough assessment.
Rule number one in Survivor: stay in the shadows as much as possible,
and keep your cakehole shut. Erica decided instead to instruct at every
turn. In the immunity challenge that led to her dismissal, she's
actually telling her tribe how to solve the puzzle...except, not,
because they never really solved it. She just told them how the pieces
were supposed to fit together. Well, yeah, they knew
that, girl, though how about the solution to the puzzle? In the end, we
had nothing against Erica, really, though if we were to rate based on
entertainment value and good game strategizing: complaining is neither. Booted Off:
Second Rating:
Sylvia. Best
Tribal Nickname : Man, did she pick the wrong teams.
What We Remember:
What's worse than choosing the wrong team? Choosing the wrong
teams; that's what. It's fair to say that the reason Sylvia got
to single-handedly pick the teams, is by choice of all contestants, in
choosing the apparent "leader" among them. It's hard to give her a
thumbs-down for that...and yet, Sylvia will be remembered mostly for
starting this season on the wrong foot, by single handedly choosing who
went on which tribe. Then she is rewarded by being sent to exile island,
only to be told she would return upon someone's elimination...on the
losing tribe. So basically she was told that by default she would be
sent to Camp Crappy Cave no matter which tribe won or lost. It's pretty
hard to blame her for her negativity when starting the game that way.
What we will blame her for, however, is the bizarre way she chose the
teams. Why would anyone put the muscular Boo and
Edgardo and Dre on one tribe, and fill the other with
Earl and maybe Anthony and maybe
Rocky? It's hard to fault Sylvia for this season, explicitly. She was
given sour grapes, sour lemons, and maybe three or four entertaining
contestants this season, and asked to divide them on an entertaining
level. She didn't have a chance. None of us did. Booted Off:
Third Rating:
Gary. Best
Tribal Nickname : Papa Smurf. What We Remember:
It's in Papa Smurf where I really hated Team Moto, through no fault of
his own. You see; when given a sweet old timer like Gary on your tribe,
there are two types of "camps" that might emerge. Either you have a camp
that would treat him like the patriarch of their "family" and love him
like a grandpa, or they keep him around only for their own ego trips,
always implying "Lo, what wondrously Nobel Prize Worthy people are we,
to allow this old man in our omnipotent presence." How do I know Moto is
more like the latter...? Because poor Gary got sick...and aside from one
tribemate, they seemingly could've cared less. I'm not kidding...sadly
enough. Poor Gary grows ill from the heat and other game elements, and
what happens? Well, admittedly, Cassandra showed "humane nature" and sat
with Gary to make sure he was okay. The rest of the team went about
their business. Some even complained about what Gary's bad health would
mean to them: Lisi's only worry was that Gary's ailment would become a
"baby sitting situation," and that if he didn't get better he would have
to go...as in, she would help boot him off like the callous witch she
is. So Gary calls in the paramedics and gets removed from the game, as
he is taken to safety...which, in this case, is as far away from callous
"Moto" as possible. Booted Off:
Never Booted, but come on; he would've been with that
group. Rating:
Liliana. Best
Tribal Nickname : It's Official. Moto Is Evil.
What We Remember:
The only fun part of the episode Lilana was eliminated, was seeing the
hackling, cackling, heckling Lisi seemingly quiver her bottom lip, as
she read a twist for "winning" the latest immunity challenge. Shortly
put: they could keep their camp, or keep immunity, though not both.
Well, Moto are fat and happy and aside from showing up at the challenges
and competing with starving weak people; completely lazy. So of course
they keep Camp Comfort at the cost of sending one of their teammates
home. Hey; isn't there no "I" in team? Tell that to Moto, as they prove
how stupid they are, when spelling "L-I-S-I" as "Liliana." It's enough
to have us hope that, with two less people, Moto is that much surer of
losing this game. Except not. Booted Off:
Technically "fourth," excluding Gary. Rating:
Rita. Best
Tribal Nickname : Cute though didn't stand a chance.
What We Remember:
I need to call a "time out" here, because Rita was eliminated on what
was officially the defining point of this season, as the Worst Season
Ever. First off you had a reward challenge where the object was to knock
the opponent into the water. Think: one tribe is fat and happy, while
the other was shriveled up, dehydrated, malnourished, and arguably
dying. So all Moto had to do was to stand up, really. This was a fair
competition? To whom? Then the reward challenge
involved memory, where admittedly our lovable losing tribe had a chance,
and nearly made the cut...until Yau Man and "Rocky" proved that with
dehydration and exhaustion comes poor memory. Which is to say
that it's official that no contest would be fair against the fat cat Moto
tribe at this point. So why watch? "To see Lisi Eliminated" is a good
answer; "To see Rita sadly leave" is not. Another pretty girl gets the boot on the tribe that is
keeping Rocky in the game because everyone loved the movie. He ain't Sly
Stallone, guys, so enough already. He's also opening his mouth wider than Erica ever did,
three episodes ago. Think about it, as we ponder who to root for. Booted Off:
Fifth Rating:
Anthony. Best
Tribal Nickname : Nice Guys Finish Last
Sixth What We Remember:
If Anthony had a flaw, it was that hunger and dehydration made him more
docile, while it made everyone else like a junkyard dog. This goes
double, if not triple, for Rocky, aka Rockette, because...dude? You lost
11 challenges by now, so all that nonsense about being a bigger man than
Anthony is total baloney. Oh; and your real name is James, "Rocky," so
whatever your momma told you about looking like Sylvester Stallone? She
lied. That being said: yes, Anthony, your former tribe from an episode
ago was stupid to boot Rita, and Sylvia, and Erica, and Jessica, instead
of Rocky. You got a new tribe in the form of three former members of
Moto. You thought they would've been more annoyed with Rocky and booted
his sorry delusional butt. They weren't. However; they're bound to boot
the jerk the very next chance they get, so that's something, right? Yet
dare we say it; Rocky was right about you having to stick up for
yourself. Everyone ---as in: the whole viewing audience--- wanted to see
you put Rocky in his place. Unfortunately, we'll have to wait until
another week for someone to do that. Maybe next week? Booted Off:
Sixth Rating:
"Rocky," AKA James. Best
Tribal Nickname : Bullwinkle's Best Friend?
What We Remember:
Okay; so maybe we're just being mean. Yet we are compelled to ask:
what's with the nickname "Rocky"...? No offense, though
James looks nothing like Sly Stallone. Perhaps Rocky is in reference to Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons? If so; please
do not introduce us to "Bullwinkle"...! Okay; we're done
joking. So let's just get to it. To be fair: Rocky was pushed a lot by
this season's "spoil the opposing tribe while you starve" format. We
don't blame him for going over the edge. Much like Lisi ---who
conversely, was spoiled rotten to the point of being an annoying
primadonna--- he was the victim of a sucky season of Survivor. Out of two teams he was part of, his
teams only won a single challenge, out of 14. There's nobody who's going
to remain cool after that...except perhaps Anthony, who was booted last
week. In fact; Rocky's current tribe tried to ally with Rocky, and boot
Lisi instead. Rocky would have none of it. He even ridiculed his tribe
for enjoying the sole reward challenge his team ever
won, which is silly. Then when one teammate tries to talk to "Rocky"
man-to-man, in an attempt to keep Rocky and boot Lisi; what does Rocky
do? Why, he acts all homophobic because the guy sat "too close" to him;
that's what. Mind you; none of this means Rocky is a bad person in the
real world, which we must hope is far less frustrating. Yet this is a
review of the season as based on how entertaining the contestants were.
No offense, but seeing Rocky "lose it" was not entertaining at
all. Booted Off:
Seventh Rating:
Lisi. Best
Tribal Nickname : Bizarro Rocky is Still Pretty Bad
What We Remember:
If anyone wondered what would've been worse than being Rocky in the
always-losing tribe, look no further than Lisi...who oddly enough, was
in the tribe of always-winners. Here's a girl who applied for survivor,
so she must have known she'd be eating bugs or other crap for 39 days,
and that's if she got that far. So she gets put in the lap of luxury,
only to be sent to Exile Island for her first time, and feel "bad" that
she wasn't just being eliminated. Man; if that isn't the perfect sign of
why not to spoil a "Survivor," I don't know what is. As soon as she had
to play the game she was ready to go! Of course, what
could we expect from the girl who saw teammate Gary in serious medical
condition, only to confess in a private video how bad this was for "her"
in the game? That's pretty cold. If it's equally cold to rate her the
lowest of any contestant this season, well; you reap what you sow, girl.
Next time try to act compassionate when one of your teammates looks like
they're dying. Booted Off:
Eighth. Rating:
Michelle. Best
Tribal Nickname : Stacy...? Nah; the other one.
What
We'll Always Remember Him For:
Casting agents apparently felt that we could easily tell the difference
between Stacy and Michelle this season. Well...okay, yeah, perhaps we
can after a minute or two. Yet Michelle's problem was hardly because of
a team that could not tell her apart from Stacy. Her big problem was
when the tribe merged, yet not really, making her "tribe" within a tribe
forced to go to tribal council, and boot someone from within their own
finite group. There were two additional problems working against
Michelle here: one, all her allies were in the "other" half of
the tribe; i.e., the half that won immunity and got to go
back to the camp safe and sound. Two: the tribal council was to commence
immediately after the challenge, meaning: no strategizing! In
the end there's nothing bad we can say about Michelle, though nothing
terribly memorable, either. Let's put it this way: she wasn't Lisi or
Rocky. Unfortunately, she was still eliminated immediately after them.
That's gotta hurt... Booted Off:
Ninth. Rating:
Edgardo. Best
Tribal Nickname : The series' first "idol" casualty.
What We Remember:
Finally the series gets its first casualty because of the Idol. Not
"American Idol," mind you, but the now infamous immunity idol. Yet
strangely enough; the idol came into play for all the wrong reasons:
Alex thought he was on the chopping block, which he was, only to fool
his opposition, which he didn't, hoping that they would accidentally vote for
Alex, which they didn't, and allow him to boot his closest
competition...which didn't happen. Here's what did happen: Someone
blabbed that Alex had the immunity idol. So he plays it yet they already
know it's in play, so they already voted for someone else: namely, Edgardo. That's a shame, because to make his own summary on the game
short and sweet: he seemed like a nice guy. Yet he got caught up in the
whole "four horsemen" alliance thing, and became a very sad casualty. To
make matters worse; the alliance was betrayed by one of their own
"horsemen," Dreamz. All this begs the question: why? Well,
see; the four horsemen (three of them, anyway) wanted to boot Cassandra,
who Dreamz is determined to make into the next
Vecepia. Remember the Survivor
Marquesas gal who stood in the shadows for so long, everyone was asking,
"Where did she come from and why are they handing her a million dollar
check?" Well, get ready for another season like that.
Booted Off:
Tenth. Rating:
Mookie. Best
Tribal Nickname : Man, dude: Coldest. Elimination. Ever!
What We Remember:
In another time and place, we'd wonder how Alex knew. Maybe he didn't,
and he just tried to cover all bases. Yet it's way too coincidental that Dreamz'
Benedict Arnold Alliance would decide to split their votes for Dreamz'
ex-alliance of Mookie and Alex, based on the
possibility of one or the other having immunity idol #2. Only Alex decides to tip
any tie in his
favor, and vote for "ally" Mookie. Ouch. In his defense, it's not like
Alex had many options. Then again, it's not like he has many options
now, either, and what's worse; nobody is rooting for him to get any. As for Mookie; we didn't love or hate the guy, or even like or dislike the guy...until he
stooped low enough to search through Yau-Man's personal things,
and see if he had the immunity idol. There are certain lines you just
don't cross, dude, and tonight, you did. 'Nuf said... Booted Off:
Eleventh. Rating:
Alex. Best
Tribal Nickname : Man, dude: Coldest...No wait; it's the other
guy.
What We Remember:
You can't blame Alex for feeling let down. He had the perfect
alliance...so to speak, until Dreamz jumped ship (and very
underhandedly) and started picking off his own alliance like flies to
make way for alliance v2.0. So here's Alex who really had nothing to
feel embarrassed about...until he helped boot off Mookie, for a cheap, last
ditch, one-in-a-million chance at staying in the game. Of course; that
would've required him winning every single challenge remaining in the
game. As it turned out: He lost the very next challenge and was booted
immediately, making his betrayal of Mookie meaningless. Not that we're comparing Alex's
betrayal to the betrayal by Dreamz;
we're just saying that as a contestant, he didn't play a good game, and
to be candid, betrayal is never entertaining (even if nobody's betrayal
this season is half as bad as Dreamz!). Booted Off:
Twelth. Rating:
Stacy. Best
Tribal Nickname : The first (real) immunity talisman casualty.
What We Remember:
This season had immunity twists of all shapes and sizes. It was one
thing when Mookie and Alex attempted the little immunity coup a few
episodes back, which led to little more than Edgardo's untimely
elimination. For Stacy she had the distinction of being part of an
admittedly stupid strategy; booting Yau-Man. Look; even if they thought
Yau-Man didn't have the immunity talisman, it was lower than dirt to
boot Yau-Man at this point. So they try it and get burned. I guess it's
saying something when Stacy still didn't look duplicitous or unlikeable
after joining in on this strategy. It was clearly a Dreamz/Boo/Cassandra
plan, which Stacy joined in on just because it was either him or her.
Suffice to say it was her. So sorry, Stacy. Booted Off:
Unlucky Thirteenth. Rating:
Boo. Best
Tribal Nickname : The Christian Man.
What We Remember:
You know; I really have to hand it to Boo. While Dreamz wound up
dropping his likeability to rock-bottom in the finale episode alone, Boo
did exactly the opposite. In Boo you had the honest guy who took
elimination like a good sportsman, and what's more; when confronted with
a poor sportsmanship in the final jury, he calls them on it, when few
others had the stones. Which is to say he called Dreamz out not on the
fact that he had lied blah blah blah, but as a Christian, Dreamz "swore
to God" that he'd keep his word to Yau-Man, and then he went against his
word. We're not going to start a religious sermon here; we're just
trying to get other people to see it in another light...presuming that's
even necessary. Imagine if someone promised a Hindu that they would stop
eating meat for a car, only to take the car and then days later use it
to drive to the local steakhouse? It's not the religion of it all, but
the total lack of candor, class, and respect. We're not saying Dreamz is
going to go to "hell" for swearing to God; we just think he's a jackass. So
did Boo. It's that simple. Yet who knew out of everything Boo said
throughout the series, that he could get a few good meals over at "loser
lodge" and return to jury duty with such a heartfelt comment as
that? Up
to that point; Boo was just like any other player in the game. When he
was asked to step up to the jury plate, he went in swinging...and not
just with a convoluted "You're a bunch of rats and snakes I lost boo hoo." We also have to love Boo for one amusing joke at Dreamz's
expense, when everyone in the live reunion show's audience started
booing Dreamz, and Boo jovially acted like they were calling his name.
Seriously; in a season finale that had the following saddening
elimination from the game; Boo kept the finale fun, fresh...and very
emotional (in a good way!) Booted Off:
Fourteenth. Rating:
Yau-Man. Best
Tribal Nickname : The Best Part of Season 14, Period.
What We Remember:
In some cases, it would take more than a web page this long, to describe
the fun of just one contestant. Yau-Man was such a contestant. It wasn't
that he was an old guy among people half his age. It wasn't that he was
a gangly looking guy who was kicking tushie next to the stronger guys.
Yau Man's appeal was that he was a calm collected guy who you wouldn't normally look at and say, "Man
that guy belongs on Survivor," and yet he wound up being the most
valuable player in the game, the most likeable player in the game, and
the only contestant this season that was truly worth
watching in each and every episode, all rolled
into one. So what if his outstanding calm and collectedness in the game
was his undoing, when offering Dreamz a whole new car with the blind hope
that Dreamz would give Yau-Man immunity in the final four. We're
not done ranting about that moment yet, though in the mini-review of Yau-Man,
we'll keep it civil, since being too trusting is hardly a crime, even on
Survivor. In fact; if Yau-Man was ever willing to try this game
again, he's a shoo-in for Survivor All-Stars 2.
Booted Off:
Fifteenth. Rating:
Dreamz. Best
Tribal Nickname : Nightmarez.
What We Remember:
Dreamz constantly reminded jury members: it's only a game. That is
ironically the very reason he should have kept his word to Yau-Man.
Here's the situation: Yau-Man wins a pricey truck and gives it to Dreamz,
on the presumption that Dreamz, if he wins the "final immunity," would
give it to Yau-Man. As soon as Dreamz "swore to God" he would, Dreamz'
game was either over, or worse. He chose "worse." Think about it. There
was no way that Dreamz was going to win the million after helping to
eliminate his own alliance, just to stay in the game awhile longer. He
had a chance at a free car, and he took it, at the cost of absolutely
zero. All he had to do is keep his word and go home a
man of honor. He goes home with a car, at least, though his honor is
pretty much in shambles, if you ask us. To make matters worse: he swore
to God he would do the right thing. We're not going to yell at Dreamz
about it; Boo already did all the ranting for us (You go, boy!). Dreamz didn't simply cross a line here. He drew
the line, then insisted by his own admission that the line was very
"important" to him, adding that he "swore to God" to never cross the
line, and insisting that to cross that line would be an embarrassment to
his own morals, and the morals of his family. Then he crosses the line
anyway. That's so wrong it's almost the biggest underhanded act ever
seen in Survivor, and that's saying a lot. In the end, yeah; Dreamz got
to stay in the final three...though at what cost? Booted Off:
The Third Finalist; no votes. Rating:
Cassandra. Best
Tribal Nickname : Guiltless by Association.
What We Remember:
Look; maybe Lisi and Alex and Edgardo can blame Cassandra for their
eliminations. I didn't really love any of them, so what do I care? Then
again; what can I say about Cassandra, aside from talking kindly to
"Papa Smurf" when he was sick? Sure, it was sweet, and yet let me
confess; it's a pretty dark and sordid reality show that has you
complimenting people for doing what any normal human being would do in
any humane situation. Cassandra does what anyone should do in such
circumstances, and people are all "Oh look, a human being; let's root
for her!" I don't know about that one. She was basically the "Kelly" to
everyone else's "Richard Hatch." That's hardly a bad thing; just not
very memorable. She was nice to be so nice to Papa Smurf, yet I can
barely remember anything else she did that is worth mentioning now.
Booted Off:
No votes, though there's little guesswork involved that had someone
been forced to vote for someone besides Earl, Cassandra would've won. Rating:
Earl. Best
Tribal Nickname : Yau-Man Lite.
What We Remember:
Earl was Yau-Man's friend from day one, and that speaks volumes about
the guy. It's this singular alliance of two that was the strongest tie
this season...and in the end, Earl and Yao-Man made it straight to the
final four with each other's help. Of course, in the finale, Earl had to
choose to vote for Cassandra or Yao-Man to go, with Dreamz keeping the
immunity talisman he had promised to Yao-Man. Earl chose to vote for
Yao-Man to go. Does this make him as mean as Dreamz? No way. It's not
like he made Yao-Man any promises in the final four. Nor did Earl
"swear" any such promises. In the end, when asked plainly by Yao-Man why
Cassandra was sitting next to him and not his friend Yao-Man, Earl was
totally honest about it: he simply could not have won the game sitting
beside Yao-Man. Whoh; honesty on Survivor? Give that man a million
dollars right now! Booted Off:
The Grand Prize Winner: Unanimously! Rating:
Opinions? Speak your mind in Techtite's Letters Page!
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