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Let's be perfectly frank: Big Brother 8 was a sinking piece of a dog's lawn ornament, neatly pressed into the form of a DVD, which some poor sap over at CBS actually played on the air. That would be the perfect epitaph to a truly horrible reality show, if not for two words: writer's strike. So someone at CBS wanted another "go" at it and attempted another Big Brother, and what's more; they did so during the "regular" TV season and not the usual summer break. Thanks for that, writers! At least you ended the strike early enough so that most of us could stop watching this tripe early on. The rest of us, sadly, must review it. Darn.

This season's "twist" led to the subtitle: 'Till Death Do You Part. Um, not to read too much into a publicity gimmick, but..."death"? Come on. Nobody's killing anybody, right? Um...right? [insert sound of crickets here] ...well, looking at the photo of the perennially nutty Natalie this season (shown above); let's just hope the knives and forks are locked away after dinner hours! Just kidding. We're sure nutty Natalie isn't as nutty as that. You know...basically.

Of course; summer or not, any reality show is only as good as its contestants. Here's the typical weekly-updated summary of who was evicted this season, and their "rating" as judged by a diehard couch potato (in other words: here's hoping you entertained me while clamoring your way to the finale!):

Jacob & Sharon Best One-Line Summary : The split up couple that didn't "mesh" with the supposed "romance" subplot this season (yeah...right!) In Short Summary: Not much to say here. Okay; maybe there is...! This season had the house guests pre-selected into teams of two. Jacob & Sharon were one of the plot twists this season, in that they actually knew each other outside of the house. The catch: the relationship did not end on good terms. Jacob cheated on Sharon for some typically arbitrary reason, making them one of the biggest possible shouting matches in the house. In a vain attempt to prevent shouting matches this season (yeah...right!), they boot Jacob and Sharon, although not without reason: Jacob couldn't keep his mouth shut and wound up ticking off Parker, who with all his speeches is trying to be this season's Head of Household For All Weeks. Gee; I wonder who'll be up for eviction next week? Yeah; that's a puzzler! Booted Off: First. Opposing Nominated Evictees: None; they were evicted on week one when a twist allowed the first HOH to evict a couple without a vote (Yikes...Ouch!). HOH that week (nominations): Parker and Jen. High Point : In a surprising moment at the eleventh hour, one of the remaining house guests has to leave due to a family emergency. His teammate gets to choose between Jacob and Sharon, who to bring back in the house as his "new" teammate. he chose Sharon, who was very happy at a second chance in the game...as were we all, I would say! Low Point: Being booted first is always a low point! Rating :

Small Crater

Jen & Parker Best One-Line Summary : The best pairing of the season...if only because they were both so loud! In Short Summary: You can say one thing for Jen & Parker; they were perfectly paired up. Parker was abrasive. So was Jen. Parker was very confrontational. So was Jen. Parker came into the game not knowing anyone. Jen...well, okay; not so much! She was one of the plot twists this season, where she actually knew someone else in the house: her real boyfriend, Ryan. Except in an added twist, they were paired with other people in the house. The rest of the house finds out, making both teams a target. So what does Parker do to try and get out of it? He tries to get Jennifer to give up her boyfriend Ryan as a target in week one(!), showing her "loyalty" to her "new alliance" in the house. Yikes, Parker; got many girlfriends? There was no way Jennifer was going to agree to that...um, at least, not unless she was nominated herself! So; because of her supposed "wishy washiness" to help evict her boyfriend in week one (which, in actuality, was a sign of her loyalty to her boyfriend), she becomes a target in week two. Can things get worse for Jen and Parker? Sure! In a poorly conceived plan "B", Jennifer winds up being a total shrew to her boyfriend while nominated alongside him. Yeah; that should make them want to evict him more than you, eh? Except...not. Parker's total animosity towards the game didn't help, either. Adding fuel to the fire: Parker tried to be this season's Head of Household For All Weeks, and even called a "house meeting" (waking many house guests up in the process) for no coherent reason than "HE" was annoyed about something. In the end: Jen and Parker would become the first easy eviction of the season. Booted Off: Second. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Ryan & Allison. HOH that week (nominations): Amanda & Alex. High Point : Well; I guess making it easy to choose someone to evict in week two counts as a "high point." Low Point: When someone is so loud and vocal and they've barely been in the house seven days; that never bodes well for them. Rating :

Near Miss

Alex & Amanda Best One-Line Summary : The problem with this season's "couple" plan is... In Short Summary: I realize this was the whole idea this season, though when it came to Amanda & Ryan, well; that idea stinks. The whole social experiment this season is: will two people be able to team up constructively, or destructively? Ask Alex this question, when Amanda basically puts a big target on her back. She winds up irking one guest...and another...and another. They have to choose someone to nominate for eviction. It's all a question of how much they like Alex. Do they like him enough to keep Amanda around? Well, let's answer that question straight out: no. Booted Off: Third. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Matt & Natalie. HOH that week (nominations): James & Chelsia. High Point : This is one of those sad cases where the easy "high point" would be Alex as a whole, and the low point...well, you know... Low Point: Then again; it's fair enough to admit that had they loved Alex more than they didn't like Amanda, Alex would still be in the house, right? Rating :

Small Crater

Allison Best One-Line Summary : Most painful elimination ever...? In Short Summary: It was no surprise that this season would, as soon as things got heated up, become a free-for all. That is to say: suddenly, the teams-of-two plan would be nixed. Yet how do you do this fairly? Answer: by having the eviction play out normally, then dramatically tell the supposedly evicted team they must return to the living room for a surprise. Matt and Allison were thrilled; they might not be out after all! Not so fast; the simpler solution was that just like that, there were no "teams" in the house. The house guests could then choose among the presumed two evictees, one evictee to send home. They chose Allison, which love or hate her must've been a real "ouch" moment for her, if you know what I mean. Her teammate gets saved; she gets booted. What's more; she technically got eliminated...twice...in one night. Yeah; that qualifies as a big "OUCH," doesn't it? Why would this happen? Well, Allison was on the block earlier in the season, and wanted to go out with a bang. So she and 1980's Penthouse magazine model Sheila concoct this "secret" story that they are lesbian lovers outside of the house. This little piece of tomfoolery did not go over well with gay Joshua. So Joshua becomes HOH and...well, you know, right? Booted Off: Fourth. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Matt & Natalie...and after the "twist": ex-teammate Ryan. HOH that week (nominations): Joshua & Sharon. High Point : To be fair; she was given a bad starting hand this season, forced to "play" with a supposed teammate who wound up being a secret ally to someone else! Low Point: The whole "we're secret lesbians" thing was politically incorrect and pretty foolish...especially when it put a big target on both their backs, as soon as Joshuah was HOH! Rating :

Small Crater

James (Attempt #1!) Best One-Line Summary : Who do you want back in the house, America? Oh, forget America's Choice...we choose James! In Short Summary: "America" (aka: the decimal point percentage of "America" watching TV at the time) was thrilled at America's Choice appearing for the first time this season, with an interesting offer: all the past evictees were put in a sequester house prematurely. Why? Because one was to return. Who that would be was up to America...or was it? Apparently someone felt that someone suddenly returning would not be 100% fair to the house guests. So they give the house guests a vote of their own: bring in the mystery evicted guest voted back in by America, or bring back the guy they just evicted...James. In one of the most boneheaded moves of the season: they choose James, who they had just back-stabbed minutes earlier. Think about this. They could've brought in America's Choice like good people, and instead chose the guy they had just stabbed in the back...only to give James the chance at HOH, while full of beans, and ready for revenge. To whom was this a brilliant plan? Booted Off: ...not! Opposing Nominated Evictee: Sharon...as if that matters now. HOH that week (nominations): Ryan...who must've felt like a doofus when his week as HOH wound up being worthless. High Point : Well, it's good TV; I can say that! Low Point: By no fault of James; how insulting was it for fans of the show, to see their votes ignored? Rating : TBA (After all: James hasn't been evicted for real...yet!)

Matt Best One-Line Summary : Sweetie Honey Cookie Baby Cutie-Pie etc. In Short Summary: In hindsight; maybe if Matt didn't refer to all the female house guests by some cutie nickname and used their real names with respect, he'd still be in the house. Seriously; how easy would it be for a fraternity to create a drinking game for every time Matt used words like sweetie, honey, baby, and so on? It was enough to get scatterbrained Natalie on his side...though not many others. Nutty Lovelorn Natalie almost was enough, though! During HOH, it was down to Natalie and James. James offered a deal to Natalie that he would not put her up. She insisted the offer include "soul mate" Matt. He agreed. Only Natalie didn't take the offer right away. She decided instead to wait until seconds before falling off, before saying "okay...deal!" I know Natalie and Matt have fans, though...come on! There's a big difference between Natalie making a deal with James and voluntarily giving him HOH, and Natalie "agreeing" to the deal, when she was about to fall off anyway. James was hardly obligated to keep Matt off the block. He did at first, and nominated Sheila and Ryan. Then he wins Veto and has a change of heart of sorts...and nominates Matt. Why the change of heart? Because he learned Matt lied to him, first. That'd do it. Booted Off: Fifth. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Ryan (after veto). HOH that week (nominations): James High Point : Seeing him do everything but use the Jaws of Life to pry nutty lovelorn Natalie away from him, was perhaps one of the funniest things to see in the first weeks. Low Point: Though nobody can say how they'd react to the same situation; dude, what was with the crying? Rating :

Small Crater

Chelsia Best One-Line Summary : Another Collateral Damage Victim This Season. In Short Summary: If it wasn't for those infernal "pairings" at the start of the season, where would we be at this point? Amanda irks everyone and Alex leaves. Allison irks everyone and Ryan almost leaves. James irks everyone, leaves, comes back, and out goes...Chelsia? Man, what a nutty season this is! In all fairness; the frustration of her "collateral damage" got to Chelsia at the eleventh hour, when she was basically on the block because she allied with James. Then James wins Veto, leaving Chelsia high and dry. So She goes all crazy. She starts breaking Easter Eggs after the whole house spent Easter Sunday coloring them. She starts calling 80% of the house guests a whole lot of names that I could not dare print here. Upon eminent eviction, Chelsia offered a grisly super-honest pre-eviction speech, and an even more bitter speech as she walked out the door. Said Sheila: "very mature." Yeah, Sheila. How immature is it to flip-flop your decisions just to stay in the house, cry like a baby to stay in the house, and suck up to whomsoever happens to be HOH to stay in the house? Oh, wait: Chelsia did none of that. Sheila did. Very mature... Booted Off: Sixth. Opposing Nominated Evictee: James (before veto); Sharon (after veto). HOH that week (nominations): Baby food lovin' Adam (yeah; baby food was in his luxury fridge in the HOH room. No comment). High Point : Speech, smeech! Chelsia's outbursts were 10 times more fun to watch than all of the backside-kissing poppycock seen elsewhere this season. Low Point: To be honest, though; she did go a bit off the deep end, didn't she? Not that it wasn't fun to watch though, leading to a very biased, "we're only watching for the fun!" rating of... Rating :

Large Crater

Josh Best One-Line Summary : Well, there go the Nielsens. In Short Summary: I don't need a weekly score card of the Nielsen ratings this season to know the facts: this season became a bore as soon as Chelsia left. Now that Josh is gone; it's barely watchable. You have Adam and Ryan with their nerdy macho-wannabe talk. You have Sheila and Natalie with their incessantly annoying whispered gossip. You have James, who was interesting with Chelsia, though without her has seemingly lost his mind. Then there's Sharon and Josh, who were the "Will and Grace" of the season: the likeable wallflower girl and the gay male friend, who may have a been a little high strung, though for some reason was entertaining even at his worst. Yes he got pretty mean to Allison, though that was because he was allegedly offended at her little lesbian "joke," which is at least understandable. However: did "Will" ever try to throw "Grace" under a bus? No...and that's where Josh just had to go this week. When it came right down to it: Josh and Sharon on the block together meant Sharon "had" to go in Josh's eyes, and he orchestrated an attempt to have it happen. What went wrong? Well, for one thing there's little chance at someone being a reliable ally when they're already throwing their last true blue ally under a bus in this game. He could've gotten away with a comment post-veto, like "Backdoor Sheila out of the house and I'm in your debt for the remainder of the whole freaking season." Any viewer of this season can relate to that. Instead, his approach at survival was more like: You're going to have to put Sharon up, and that's cool, though keep me because I'm promising something even though I promised Sharon an alliance weeks ago and am now stabbing her in the back. Two guesses how well that strategy worked. Booted Off: Seventh. Opposing Nominated Evictee: James (before veto); Sharon (after veto). HOH that week (nominations): (Nutty) Natalie...now with 75% more NUTS! High Point : For the most part, Josh didn't flip-flop in his alliances, which is more than we can say for Natalie...and Sheila...and Ryan...and Adam. Low Point: Then again; when on the block with last-ally Sharon, he really did try for her to go and not him, and it got back to Sharon that he said as much, which must've hurt her, somewhat. Rating :

Small Crater

James Best One-Line Summary : Pink haired and all; the most intriguing "character" all season. In Short Summary: There were times James was a bit of a jerk, especially with Chelsia. Jumping ahead there's this moment they aired when he was sent to the jury house and he basically told Chelsia that he was "singled out" in the house because of her. Um...dude? She was singled out because she had a crush on you, so don't start trying to put the high-heeled shoe on the other foot. Indeed; the only reason Chelsia was booted was because James won veto. The reason Josh was booted? James won veto. Do you see a pattern here? James didn't. He lost veto and was sent packing. Yet through it all James was entertaining, and for that I must give him props. Apparently others felt the same way: when asked who in the jury deserved a 25 grand prize, the fans voted for James. Personally I would've (and did) vote for Sharon at the time, though you can't blame the viewing public for wanting to reward James for making this season so entertaining...even if his personality as a human being left a little to be desired. Why did he have to be such a jerk to Chelsia? Ten weeks from now James will really wonder what he did to lose the half million. Ten years from now he's going to wonder what was he thinking when letting Chelsia slip through his fingers. Oh, well; there's always Bog Brother All Stars to help patch things up someday...maybe. Booted Off: Eighth. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Sharon. HOH that week (nominations): Adam. High Point : His "showmance" with Chelsia was the highlight of the season, for the most part... Low Point: Then he acts like such a big jerk to Chelsia, that I'd dare say he lost a "reward" for James that would've been even bigger than the grand prize. Rating :

Large Crater

Natalie Best One-Line Summary : Holy...! In Short Summary: Look; I love it when someone is religious in this day and age. At a time when it is often considered more "hip" to not be religious, it's refreshing to see people stick to their beliefs, their heritage, and their faith. Yet it is still a little but "off," IMO, when a girl acts like the "holy" house guest, just a few weeks after giving the entire house a free strip show. Yet suddenly Natalie felt she was the one that The Powers That Be wanted to win. Hey; who am I to say otherwise? Aside from being caught in a lie at the eleventh hour of the game, she had an almost assured place in the final two. The only thing that got her out the door was a need to choose sides, and she chose Ryan and Adam...a smart move, given that they were the only two players who would vote at the next elimination. Then the bad news happened for Natalie: one of the boys didn't believe her, making it a tie vote. Who was the tie-breaking vote? Sheila; aka, the person in the house who she basically told point blank that she was not an ally with. This is a bit of a leap ahead however, given that this was week number nine in the house. As for the first 8 weeks, let's encapsulate. You had Natalie follow Matt around like a lovelorn puppy. You had Natalie send Chelsia packing as if she was her worst enemy, when...wasn't she the one Natalie danced half-naked with in their third week in the house? Then Natalie helps boot out Chelsia and tells her in a farewell message that she's praying for her. Why? Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. The honest truth is: the Bog Brother house is one big sociological experiment that does strange things to some people. A bikini barrista who strips naked one week and then acts like she's holier than holy water the very next week? That qualifies. Too bad Natalie herself didn't "qualify" for final 4. Booted Off: She made final five, so that's impressive. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Sharon (after veto). HOH that week (nominations): Sheila. High Point : Until she more or less lost her mind after Matt left the house; her lovelorn antics to try and get Matt's attention were pretty cute... Low Point: Yet there's few things more annoying than someone who is hardly the holiest of holies suddenly acting like theirs is the holiest alliance of the whole house, for whatever reason. Rating :

Small Crater

Sharon Best One-Line Summary : The closest to "Sandra Dee" any female contestant ever got on this show. In Short Summary: Let's jump to what needs to be said: Jacob, nobody who watches this show got to know you very well, so we can't judge...much. Though after seeing adorable Sharon on the live feeds, CBS telecast, and Showtime's After Dark telecasts, it's pretty obvious you're an idiot. You had Sharon as your high school sweetheart, and you cheated on her? Whatever for?!? Aside from Governor Spitzer's shenanigans (and man; wait until the house guests hear about that news story while they were in the house!), I can't think of a bigger mistake in the history of relationships. It's this sort of adorable, "Sandra Dee" quality of Sharon that made her so endearing to the other house guests. Ryan chose her as a brilliant silent partner. When her more obvious alliance of James/Chelsia/Josh came crashing down around her, Sharon was last of the quartet to be sent packing. The only reason Adam (whose sole vote sent Sharon packing) chose her over Sheila, is because he felt strategically that was the "only" option he could make. Similarly; the only reason Ryan nominated her instead of Adam is because he essentially "had" to, given his alliance with Adam. In short Sharon was one of the best parts of the season. Too bad she lost, though. Booted Off: The Final four...ouch, so close! Opposing Nominated Evictee: Sheila. HOH that week (nominations): Ryan. High Point : Simply put she was the only female house guest this season who was never annoying to watch; she never cried, whined, yelled, screamed bloody murder, or anything else that every other female house guest did this same season. Low Point: Actually; I can't think of one, so: Rating :

Deep Impact

Sheila Best One-Line Summary : This season's "Amber". In Short Summary: Who knew that the oldest and most "mature" member of the house guests would turn out to be this season's biggest crier? Sheila cried when nominated, cried when she was safe, cried when she had to vote against an ally, and cried when...well, whenever. The only excuse she offered was actually a pretty logical one; when she commented on meeting Evel Dick face to face, she mentioned how she had a different perspective on the guy upon experiencing the house first hand. That's fair enough. Nobody can say how they will react to being trapped in a house of strangers, only to be forced to put on an act with them or else lose half a million dollars in prize money. Few people could likely take such pressure. Sheila wasn't one of them, and that's okay. In fact; I actually didn't loathe Sheila much at all. Her crying was annoying at times, and yet it's pretty cool that a former 1980's pinup model was in the house this season. Overall; she was hardly the favorite player this season, though as the third member of the final three; she was a pretty pleasant finalist, which is more than can be said for practically every final three in Big Brother history. That's something Sheila can be proud of...even if she would've much rather preferred the half million! Booted Off: Last (ouch). Opposing Nominated Evictee: Adam. HOH that week (nominations): Ryan. High Point : Whatever she did in the house she did well enough to get to the final three, without any veto wins to speak of, nor any HOH wins, except for the one Natalie basically gave her. Low Point: Second only to Natalie, Sheila was a major flip-flop contestant this season, particularly with Allison, who she helped concoct a faux "we're secret lesbians" story, only to tell Joshua that the act was all Allison's idea, and basically throw Allison under a bus when the going got tough. When she then turned to Natalie as an ally, she single handedly sent Natalie packing as the tie-breaking vote. While this is all typical Big Brother antics; it was still a low point. Sorry. Rating :

Small Crater

Ryan Best One-Line Summary : Jennifer's boyfriend though otherwise a very likeable guy. In Short Summary: You can't blame someone for doing what Ryan did for love. By all accounts, his real life girlfriend Jen threw him under a bus in just the second week in the house. In fact; she even tried to imply he was a racist, so he should be the one to go, and not her. Yet Ryan, against all logic, actually rallied to his girlfriend's defense during the jury's final questions, insisting that he still loved her and if he won the half million, he'd share it and the rest of his life with her, gladly. While the jury had no right judging Ryan for the latter, it was the jury's decision who got the half million, and they weren't likely to give it to anyone associated with Jen. This is a shame, because as Ryan will become painfully aware of upon returning home; the jury was more than happy to give Ryan the grand prize. Yet he really botched up their questions and in the end, all but one person voted for Adam to win. In the long run, Ryan was the dark horse in the race who was seemingly one of the first people who'd get voted off, and if not for a twist upon being nominated with "partner" Allison; he nearly was. He actually almost made it to the final prize, so that's something to be proud of. His blind love for Jen...? Well...that's not mine to judge, though let's just say if someone called me a racist under any circumstances, I'd hardly be ready to share half a million with them. I'm just saying. Booted Off: Never; the second prize 50 grand winner. Opposing Nominated Evictee: None (he was also the final HOH!). HOH that week (nominations): Himself. High Point : To be fair, he did make one last honest decision by going to the final two with Adam and not Sheila... Low Point: Yet promise or no promise to Adam; he was very likely to be the half million dollar winner if he went to the final two with Shelia, so... Rating :

Small Crater

Adam Best One-Line Summary : Whoh; someone actually won BB that isn't totally annoying. Huzzah! In Short Summary: Okay; so maybe it would've been cooler if James made final two...or Alex...or particularly Sharon. Yet just a few months after that abysmal season with Evel Dick burning a house guest with a cigarette and still being allowed to coast his way to a half million dollar prize, it was a pretty pleasant surprise to see Adam win this season. Mind you; it would've been a whole different story had Ryan not practically collapse under the pressure of the moment, and offer some of the poorest answers ever to the jury's final questions. There's also Adam's comments about the mentally handicapped during the live feeds, which, to hear scuttlebutt tell the tale, cost him his job back home, making his half million prize pretty much of an economic safety net until he can get on his feet again. So yeah; Adam was hardly perfect. He wasn't teribly annoying, though, and unlike other house guests this season (with the sole exception of, perhaps, Sharon): Adam didn't take the game so darned seriously, and never seemed to get into any fights. That's the sort of message you want sent out to future hopefuls for this show. Yeah; last season awarded half a million dollars to the jerk who threatened to rape a girl he barely knew until she bled to death. This season a "nice guy" won. Thank heaven for that. Booted Off: Never; the winner of Big Brother this season. Opposing Nominated Evictee: Sheila (technically, since final HOH Ryan could've taken either her or Adam to the end). HOH that week (nominations): Ryan. High Point : Unlike many other house guests, Adam knew that each of the final 7 house guests would be a jury member and so he said the right things, complimented them all in his farewell messages, and obviously did the right thing, since...he won! Low Point: Seriously, dude; what was up with the baby food when you were HOH? Rating :

Large Crater

	Season's Rating: Large Crater. Against all odds this season actually trapped "victory" from the jaws of defeat without letting go. In short; it actually made Big Brother watchable again.
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