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Techtite's TV Reviews! |
"I can't believe [Jeff] actually fell for it!" ---from the review
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Big Brother 11
What did someone have against Big Brother this season? No; I'm not talking about the internet or twitter or "Television Without Pity.com." I'm talking about CBS production. Not only did they cast a season filled with emotional basket cases on one hand and arrogant wannabe "stars" on the other, though they actually bring back...wait for it...Jesse? In case you missed Big Brother last season: viewers were allowed to choose who was evicted one week. Let's be clear: America had one week, and one chance, to evict one person. Two guesses who that person was. Jump ahead to this season, which began with a (cough cough) "fair" competition to see which of four former Big Brother contestants came back. They then divide the teams by high school "cliques," with Jesse's clique being the "athletes." Then it's just coincidence (cough, cough) that the chosen competition is ATHLETIC. Well, ever since Evel Dick, who ever said BB was "fair"...? Did Big Brother do anything right this season? Well, a theater audience returns each Thursday for applause and cheers when each house guest comes out. That's a nice gesture in a game with so very few of those. Then there's the return of the cop d'état, where America gives their favorite house guest a sort of "get out of jail for free" card for two weeks. Unfortunately this idea simply replaced one annoying clique with an equally annoying clique, which was soon replaced with the most annoying clique of all (yes, NataLIE, we're looking in your direction). What follows is the "review" of any reality show's most important asset: the contestants. As I've done with recent reviews: I'll not "review" the first evictees. They didn't get to play the game long enough to pass judgment on how entertaining they would have been, had they stayed in the house. So let's narrow judgment to, say, the final ten. Let's get started: The "Techtite" ratings system, in order (icon version):
----------------------------------------------- Ronnie
A Quote To Be Remembered By : "I'm not just a snake; I'm a King
Cobra!." In Short Summary: Let me be blunt and say
what Ronnie himself admitted at the very start of the show: he's a nerd.
Unfortunately he's not just a nerd of the Star Trek variety. He's a nerd
of the "I have no clue how to act in front of supposedly 'cool people'"
variety. First he makes promises to everyone. Then he
breaks those promises. In fact; Ronnie got such a bad rep the week he
was HOH that he had to stay up in the HOH room to protect himself from
the wrath of the other house guests. Jump ahead two weeks when HOH
Russell insisted that he was a mongoose getting rid of the snake.
Responds Ronnie in a diary room confessional: "I'm not just a snake, I'm
a King Cobra!" Dude...? Seriously? That's like Bill Gates starring
as the title character of the next Terminator movie. There's nothing
wrong with being a nerd, really. Unfortunately, Ronnie felt differently,
and decided to pretend to be someone he's not. How good of an idea was
that? Well, let's put it this way: Ronnie was gone after four weeks. Booted Off:
Fourth. High Point : Look at the bright side; Casey, who was
booted the prior week, had to leave the house wearing a banana costume.
Low Point: Yet even Casey's departure showed a bit more grace
than Ronnie's, as he stood in near tears telling off...Michelle? Why?
Because she was a "nerd" in the house and easy to tease. Real classy,
Ron.
Rating :
Jesse
A Quote To Be Remembered By : "Take it All In!" In Short
Summary: To be fair: Jesse was
the best athlete of the season. To be NOT fair: someone behind the
scenes loooooved Jesse, and made the majority of the HOH competitions
athletic. So no surprise: Jesse was HOH at least half of the time by the
time he was eliminated. Nor was it a big surprise when Chima, who always
needed things "her way," nominated Russell for eviction, who love or
hate the guy, was nobody's puppet. Unfortunately the rest of the house
(Jesse included) were more than happy to be Chima's puppet, and give
Russel the heave ho...except for Russel's then-buddy in the game, Jeff,
who was voted by America to get the coup d'état and change the nominees
at the last minute. He removed Lydia and Russel and replaced them with
Jesse and Jesse's obedient lapdog, Natalie. Seconds after the
nominations Jesse removes his outer shirt to reveal a T-shirt with his
face on it with the caption "The Man The Myth The Legend" with the back
reading, "Take it all In!" At least three girls in the house break down
in tears, apparently taking the T-shirt way too seriously. The bad news:
all this did was replace one annoying clique with a new annoying clique.
America just can't "win" on Big Brother, can they? Darn! Booted
Off:
Fifth (ironically only a week longer than he lasted last season).
High Point : Well, for some arbitrary reason at least three
girls in the house fell under his spell. Low Point: Taking
advantage of one of these fangirls in the house as HOH; he made a "tent"
to block the cameras and long story short they did things even Jesse's
obedient lapdog Natalie referred to as "disgusting." This from the girl
who reportedly didn't shower for a month. Yikes!
Rating :
 Lydia A Quote To Be Remembered By : “I hate, hate, hate them!” In Short Summary: You know that song that goes "Every generation blames the one before"...? Well, I can only guess the same thing applies to cliques. To hear Lydia tell the tale, it was a major piece of foul play when Jeff turned Lydia's former alliance upside down by evicting Jesse. Well, actually, all Jeff did was eliminate one of their alliance members; Jesse. It's hardly Jeff's fault that Jesse's remaining coven of Chima, Natalie, Lydia, and (to a lesser extent) Kevin, all decided to sit and demand BB give bread to share with their whine. So no, Lydia; Jeff was hardly the end of your alliance; if anything, Chima was. Mind you; BB didn't make Lydia's last moments in the house any easier, when they gave away prizes and Lydia's "prize" was a gag gift in the form of a superhero costume she had to wear all week long, including the eviction interview. Ouch. To be honest if anyone took unfair advantage of Lydia it would be supposed alliance "leader" Jesse, who in the very first week of the game, let Lydia "service" Jeff in a way even Natalie referred to as "disgusting." Yet I will say one thing for Lydia: even when edited for television, Lydia was the most entertaining house guest to watch all season. Booted Off: Seventh (if you count Chima). High Point : The only (marginal) thumbs up I can give to a single member of Jesse's coven. Congratulations...I guess... Low Point: Getting drunk and raising havoc to the point where she actually toppled the kitchen table. Then again; I guess it's kind of hard to act grown up when the show forces you to dress in a red unitard with "superhero" goggles. Yikes. Rating :  Small
Crater
Russell
A Quote To Be Remembered By : "I will...mop your face with up
and down that jury house!" In Short Summary: Sure Russell
had a quick temper. Can you blame him though? He had to deal with some
pretty odd mental cases this season, ranging from the downright sexist
Chima to the outright paranoid Jeff. The latter of whom is told a bald
faced lie by Kevin, who tells Jeff that Russell had a heart to heart
with Kevin and Natalie and Russell wanted his alliance member Jeff gone.
So in other words Russell allegedly had a chat
with his arch rivals in the house who loathe him with fiery intensity,
and what's more; he tells them that he's going after Jeff. Did Jeff
think this through in any vague sense of the word? Well let's put it
this way: Russell was next to go, as Jeff back doors his buddy right to
jury house. Among Russell's many retorts as an eviction nominee was that
Jeff had better not be evicted next week because he's going to mop
Jeff's face all over the jury house. Well, not to jump ahead or
anything, though: get that mop ready, Russell...! Booted
Off:
Eighth. High Point : Quick tempered or not he left the
house with class and entered jury house with even more class. Low
Point: Jeff and Jordan would say that they should not have
stooped so low as to listen to Russell's rants as a nominated evictee.
Actually it was Russell who should not have stooped so low as to stroke
Jeff's ego into thinking Russell's elimination was anything more than
what it was: strategic game suicide. Rating :
Jeff
A Quote To Be Remembered By : "You got got." In Short
Summary: Imagine this cartoon story. A tabby cat named Jeff is
dominating his turf. He is about to live happily ever after when he has
two rats named Natalie and Kevin in his paws. Just before eating them
alive they say "Oh no we're dogs woof woof!' Then they point at two
nearby cats named Russell and Michelle and say "They're the rats!" So
Jeff, the stupidest cat in cartoon history, pounces after his fellow
cats as the rats giggle and dance with glee. Now imagine if that story
was all real, and Jeff, the biggest gullible fool in BB history,
actually trusted Natalie and Kevin and believed that 1) Russell was less
trustworthy than Natalie, and 2) Natalie and Kevin would
never put Jeff up for eviction even after being put up for eviction by
Jeff that exact week. Jeff? Dude...? Did it ever occur
to you that they would tell you anything to stay in the game...and how
foolish you would be to believe them? Dude??? Dude!!! Long story short: Jeff trusted
two rats and backdoors one of the biggest MVPs of his own alliance. Then Kevin wins HOH
the very next week. Jeff is not only nominated; he's evicted. Mind you; I could go into
detail about how Jeff became a power mad oaf for his final two weeks in the house, though I won't. He had a clear shot at half a million and
screwed it up royally. Why rub it in? Booted Off:
Ninth. High Point : Power mad or not Jeff was one of the few
house guests this season who did not act like an escaped mental patient.
No Natalie; we're not talking about Michelle. We're talking about Jesse
and Lydia and Chima and Natalie and... Low Point:
Jeff was well on his way to a five star "Deep Impact"
rating until he became a power mad oaf.
Rating :
Michelle
A Quote To Be Remembered By : "I can't recall..." In Short Summary:
As many a Michelle fan has said on many a forum: if she had one flaw it
was that other people were better liars than she was at telling the
truth. Michelle is apparently so used to telling things "like it is" on
her job as a genealogist, that she forgets that in Big Brother, the
trick is to say it with feeling. Example: instead of "Gee I can't recall
exactly what someone told me" she should have said "Jeff you idiotic
nimrod how dare you try to destroy your own ALLIANCE so two knuckleheads
like Natalie and Kevin can stay in the game you
imbecilic foolish IDIOT!!!" See; that's the sort of
emotion Michelle should have had in the game. Instead she cried in
private (with all of America feeling for her) while the
rest of the house cattily insulted her behind her back, cruelly,
incessantly, and unendingly. Yes Natalie, we are looking in your direction. What did Michelle ever do to
you? Oh right; she caused Chima to get fired (except not), lied in the
game (though given NataLIE's version of the "truth," Michelle might as well have been nicknamed
Honest Abe by comparison)and to hear Natalie insist, Michelle was far more annoying than
anyone else in the house
(good heavens Nat STHU). Okay; maybe I'm getting too emotional here.
Unfortunately Michelle didn't show enough emotions to the other house
guests, especially when it mattered. Kevin, for example, made
a big mistake booting Michelle. Though that's jumping ahead. For now
let's just say: Michelle once you left this was a season doomed to be
disappointing in the finale. Booted Off:
Tenth. High Point : The last remaining house guest worth a
darn this season... Low Point: In essense she did indeed
"confirm" the last minute lie without even knowing she did, though
that's beside the point, now.
Rating :
Kevin
A Quote To Be Remembered By : I can't believe he actually fell
for it! In Short Summary: In another season, Kevin
would not have been totally annoying. He did what he needed to do to
stay in the game, after his so called alliance started losing all their
marbles: Chima, Lydia, and to a non-game-damaging extent, Natalie. So
Kevin concocts this "Last Minute Lie" to tell Jeff. In Kevin's own
words: he can't believe the idiot actually fell for it. So say we all,
Kevin.
That doesn't make Kevin a bad person per se, though he did totally screw
up the game for the home viewing audience on an entertainment
level, and for
that alone...thumbs down, man. Though marginally so. Then there's the
fact that for all his last minute lies and single-handedly getting
Natalie and he as far as final three: what did it get him? Why of
course: he was the last juror evicted. Thanks for giving America Natalie
to watch until the finale of the show Kevin. We really appreciate it
(sarcasm). Booted Off:
11th. High Point : Well, he stayed true to his alliance,
which is more than Jeff can say, and that's why Jeff was sent packing a
whole lot earlier. Low Point: Yet there's an old saying "loyalty
above all else except honor." An alliance with the devil isn't
loyalty; it's just submissive.
Rating :
Natalie
Opinions? Speak your mind in Techtite's Letters Page!
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Near
Miss
Large
Crater
Deep
Impact
