Sonic the Hedgehog
(2006)

Click picture to order this game (Xbox 360 "Platinum Hits" version)

A Techtite "RE-view"

I want to start "re"-reviewing games, whose infamy as a very good (or very bad!) game was big news back in the day, with some added thoughts of how these games look "today." The truth is: some games are simply released at the wrong time. Some games were released with so much hype; many gamers didn't realize they were bad until much later. Other games have so little publicity, few gamers realized what they missed, even after several years (<cough> Psychonaughts! <cough>). Yet how do these games look when reviewed, long after the smoke has cleared?

For my second RE-View, I chose Sega's 2006 "re-imagining" of Sonic the Hedgehog; often referred to as "Sonic '06." To be fair: this game is among the Xbox 360's "Platinum Hits," which means it has to have sold over 400,000 units in 9 months. Yet even to this day, Sonic '06 is a topic of controversy, with X-Play naming it as not just a bad game, though the worst game of the decade, ever since the new millennium began. Yikes!

Is such hatred deserved? On the one hand: YES! On the other hand...meh. Back in 2006, I was as ticked off as everyone else that Sega fumbled the ball so horribly with this one. Yet four years later...meh. If anything, Sonic '06 was the typical victim of the tired and true three step process to any game disaster:

    1)Outrageous HYPE
    2) Impossibly High Expectations
    3) ...and a game that, simply put, was not good.

Let's cover some of the "high expectations" I'm talking about. Sonic the Hedgehog...on Xbox 360! The fastest game character, on the fastest gaming systems available today! Cool...!!! Imagine how easy it would've been for this game to give Sonic fans what they want: a high-octane rush at high speeds with all the graphic bells and whistles turned on. That's what Sonic fans had expected, anyway.

Jump ahead to what fans got. For one thing: no speed. X-Play's video review said it best, when they sardonically referred to how the designers wanted gamers to enjoy the "fine mahogany craftsmanship" of each level. The problem is: in order to force gamers to sit and look around at the pretty graphics, the game had to be reduced to a snail's pace. How slow? Let's put it this way: half of Shadow's missions are a race of some kind, and for some reason, Shadow drove slower than your grandmother. Was this a race, or was this a trip to the local pharmacy for some Geritol?

Sadly; Sonic was even slower. How do you slow down the fastest video game character? By killing him! Seriously, all the many ways Sonic would either grind to a halt, or simply DIE, were downright frustrating. Okay, we get it: Sonic can't swim. So why is one of the first levels a seaside level? Watch Sonic try to run across water(???). Watch him slow down, again and again. See him sink into the water, again and again. Ask why you're still playing the game, again and again.

Oh, and yes: the story sucked, though...whatever. Look; to be honest, I've never looked to Sonic for a deep story even when the games were good. Though let's just summarize the typical Sonic "story" du jour and be done with it. A big fat stupid guy Robotnik releases laughably ugly monster "Iblis," which Sonic must defeat to save Tails Knuckles Amy Rose the whole world. Oh, and there's a human princess named Elise who likes Sonic...and by "like," I mean; really really likes him. Um...ooookay. Whatever.

Sega always introduces a new character to play, with each new Sonic game. Question: WHY?!? Back in the day we knew that buying a Sonic game meant we could play as...SONIC! Ever since Sonic Adventure, we've had to play as foxes, echidnas, alligators, bunnies, robots, bats, cats, and uglier stupider weaker hedgehogs that paled in comparison to "Sonic." Which animal type is present here? The last one. Great. Allow me to summarize Silver the Hedgehog this way: he's a hedgehog from the future. So what super powers does a futuristic hedgehog have? The ability to grab any object, target an enemy, and then throw the object in a random direction, at...nobody! Swell.

Then there were the ridiculous load times. Approach any townsperson and talk to them. Townsperson says, "Hey." You learn this Village Idiot needs help finding, for example, box number 2. So you agree to help him. Cue first load screen. See screen with Village Idiot, who again says, HEY. Hey, what, you ask? Hey, as in: don't forget box number 2 (yes, seriously; a whole load screen is needed, just to have village idiot remind you of THE EXACT SAME INSTRUCTIONS). Cue load screen number 2 as the mini game loads. Cue "mini game," where box number 2 is right in front of you. Hit box in 0.5 seconds. Cue next load screen! Cue idiot thanking you, with (what else?) another "HEY!" Cue another load screen! This is how every single mini quest played out in this game. Oh yeah; this game had big problems!

Suffice to say that all the above clashed dramatically with the high expectations for this game, leading to dramatically low scores. Yet four years after the fact: can gamers calm down and admit anything that might be good about this game? In one word: well...maybe. First of all: this was hardly the "end" of Sonic as we knew him. I can name many games that ended the game character, if not the entire careers of everyone involved. It also is fair to repeat that: yes, the "fine mahogany craftsmanship" of the levels should be praised. Allow me to be a bit facetious as I admit: it might be crap, though it is very decorative crap!

Yet what about all the h8ters who insist this was the "worst game of all time?" To all of you I have to say, no offense: WRONG. This was a disaster, sure. Yet worst of all time? No. In my list of Top 10 biggest game disasters, Sonic '06 was indeed at #9, though that's because it was so overhyped, with so many unmet expectations. Yet on a list of Worst Games Of All Time, Sonic '06 might make it at #25, if at all.

Yet four years later, what really coaxed me to write this re-review, are all the people who insist that this game was not just bad: it was the worst of the worst. Um...NO. Sure this was a game that could have been epic, yet was actually bad. Yet worst of all time is pushing it.

Don't argue, Sonic h8ters. What follows is a list of two dozen games, just off the top of my head, that gamers hated hated HATED, far more than Sonic '06. These were hardly games whose only flaw was excessive load times and a poor story! These were games that were 100 times more annoying, infuriating, and frustrating than Sonic '06. Which is to say: I was actually able to play Sonic '06...which is more than I can say for these! Any Sonic h8ter who says differently can go spend a whole day playing any of the following war crimes in video gaming:

    ---E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial (Atari 2600, 1982)
    ---Pac-Man, Atari 2600 version (also 1982)
    ---Custer's Revenge (Atari 2600, 1982)
    ---Raiders of the Lost Ark (Atari 2600, 1983)
    ----Link: The Faces of Evil (CD-i, 1993)
    ---Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon (CD-i, 1993)
    ---Night Trap (Multi-Platform, 1993)
    ---Plumbers Don't Wear Ties (3DO, 1993)
    ---Man Enough (MS-DOS, 1993)
    ---Hotel Mario (CD-i, 1994)
    ---Jurassic Park Interactive (3DO, 1994)
    ---Darkseed 2 (MS-DOS, 1996)
    ---Westworld 2000 (Windows PC, 1996)
    ---Meat Puppet (Windows PC, 1997)
    ---The Lords of Tantrazz (Windows PC, 1997)
    ---Superman 64 (Nintendo 64, 1999)
    ---Daikatana (Windows PC, 2000)
    ---Shrek (Xbox, 2001)
    ---ReVolution (Windows PC, 2002)
    ---Charlie's Angels (Gamecube, 2003)
    ---Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing (Windows PC, 2003)
    ---Contract J.A.C.K. (Windows PC, 2003)
    ---Postal 2: Apocalypse Weekend (Windows PC, 2005)
    ---Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust (Multi-Platform, 2009)

Is this spin control? No. Look; Sonic '06 was bad. Embarrassingly bad. Though I just keep on hearing from young kids how "bad" this game was, and honestly...it wasn't as bad as that. Even the most negative reviews for Sonic '06 gave it one star. I've played games that were half a star...or even no star at all! That hardly is a ringing endorsement for Sonic '06, though I just want to be clear here. Bad: yes. Worst: no.

In fact: four years later, Sonic '06's "RE-View" earns it a "RE"-Rating of...wait for it...one and a half stars. Yeah, I know, right? Half a star better. Yippee. Yet, to be fair: Sonic '06 hardly closed down Sega, and barely slowed down Sonic's career as a game character at all! This isn't to say the game was good at all. If anything, it's the opposite. Sonic '06 was so bad, it wasn't even the "best"...at being worst!

                                                                    ---Techtite

	"RE"-Rating : Near Miss. Years later, I must admit: this isn't even among the top 25 worst games I ever played. However; yes, it was a disaster, if just because of how good it could've been.
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