Techtite's What Went Wrong --- When Entertainment Goes Awry!

Can fans live without any new "Star Trek" episodes? They haven't had to ask that since 1987 (!), but thanks to UPN; they will have to give it a try as of fall 2005. Not long ago that network relied on new Trek shows to compete at all. Yet with successful shows like Veronica Mars, UPN has officially cancelled the only currently-running Trek series, Enterprise, with no new "Trek" series to replace it. Here's the worst part of it; to read most message boards; even some of the most stouthearted Trek fans are even slightly cheerful at this show's finale. What Went Wrong?

What Went Right? Love or hate it, Star Trek is second only to Star Wars as the biggest science fiction franchise of all time. Although the original 1960's series lasted for three seasons, three spin-offs released in the past 18 years (The Next Generation, Voyager, Deep Space Nine) each lasted for at least six. That's pretty cool.

Yet unlike every spin-off before it, Enterprise promised what the others never did: a return to the series' roots. The Next Generation was set 75 years into Trek's future, with so much altered --uniforms, spaceships, the galaxy itself-- one may wonder if it was less the spin-off and more of the "new-age sci-fi show remotely resembling Star Trek." What's more: each proceeding spin-off was set in the same "Next" era, so basically, they were spin-offs from a spin-off, not the original series. Nothing brought us back to the age of Vulcan Neck Pinches, "red shirts," phasers set to stun, and in short: classic, fun, "old school" sci-fi. This series was the intended exception.

Of course; any true salute to the original series needed its "Spock." The problem? To hear modern fans whine about it; a new series also needed its "Seven of Nine"; the sexy bombshell who sashayed down the hallways of Star Trek: Voyager. The need --or so it would appear-- was to give this series a "Vulcan" Seven of Nine. The result was T'Pol; arguably, the best idea this series ever had. Not to interlace What Went Wrong into What Went Right, but it's a major testament to Jolene Blalock's sexiness that the show's makeup department decided to put her in an androgynous "Spock" haircut, and she still managed to be totally sexy. T'pol was ergo this series' best asset: a character who could be both sexy and powerful in the same scene. Cool.

The series premiere showed promise. It was simple enough, with the ship first exiting space dock and entering the new frontier, but it had promise. So much so; my review of the series back in the day was very solid and positive, and I said so on many a message board. Of course, "that was then..." as the cliché goes. This premiere is still What Went Right though; that first episode made the series seem very promising.

One more thing: I must reiterate this series' brilliant original game plan, to bring Star Trek back to basics. That's what Star Trek needs. No more British stuffy shirts who are, to be frank, total weenies. No more "dull" costumes that look like they would be too hot for an Eskimo in the Arctic, while the equally stuffy shirts behind the scenes pooh-pooh the simple yet memorable "red shirts" of yesteryear. Bring us back to the era where the captain wore a simple gold T-shirt, the bridge was colorful, and every mission had a new planet to explore. Oh, yeah; mini-skirts are making a comeback, so why not bring them back to Trek as well? My point is: the original premise --to bring Trek back to its roots-- was always a cool premise...even if, jumping ahead, they didn't keep their word.

That, in a nutshell, is the cornerstone of this series' pluses: the original promise. The cornerstone of this series' failure: they didn't fulfill the promise. Allow us to go into detail as we move on to...

What Went Wrong? Let's start with that opening theme song. Mind you; I honestly like the song, though not in this context. Imagine; what if an alien asked Captain Archer, much like the viewer, what his ship's intended mission was. If Archer was to respond with the classic Trek mantra, "to seek out new life and new civilizations," well; that has power to it. That's how each episode should have begun. To simply sing to an alien "We want to explore, and they're not holding us back" lacks similar impact...and that is putting it mildly.

Question: based on the opening song, who did "hold us back" when wanting to explore space?" The answer was complete cornball: the Vulcans. Although Vulcans are our deepest friends in all future Star Treks (including The Original Series), I can only guess this was someone's attempt at politically-charged irony that, allegedly, they were once our political adversaries. The resulting public service message has all the subtlety of a two-by-four smacked upside the head. Golly! Your tense rival in the present could be your bosom buddy in the future! Doesn't that make you want to run right over to your nastiest neighbor's house right now, and kiss them full on the lips? No? Well me neither. Allow me to refrain from the sarcasm and just say it: This was just plain dumb. What's more: it made no sense. The Vulcans are not a warlike race. Yet they allegedly held Earth's entire space exploration plans back by...what? Did they threaten to hurt our feelings with some harsh language? Come on now.

This chipping away at everything "Vulcan" meant chipping away the value of the series' best asset, T'Pol. Both the Vulcan Neck Pinch and "mind meld" were rarely seen; two traits that defined Mr. Spock back in the day. Yet T'Pol rarely used a Vulcan neck pinch because...well, the easiest answer would be: because the writing was that boring. As for Vulcan Mind Melds, they were made into some sort of metaphor to AIDS. Yeah, see: bonding with a mind is considered "taboo" by Vulcans in this time period, and furthermore, it often leads to terminal illness. I'm not going to disagree with the many kindhearted folks who liked this AIDS allegory. What I will say is: fans wanted their Vulcan first officer, and they barely got one. Without mind melds nor neck pinches, T'pol was reduced to being little more than the hot chick with fake rubber ears.

Sadly, T'Pol was the lucky one. At least her flawed character meant that she was characterized at all. Merryweather might as well have been a "red shirt" each episode, with as little as scripts ever mentioned about him. Reed, the ship's head of security, seemed a little too calm and collected a character, to be employed in a job that involved blowing things up. Dr. Phlox seemed interesting enough, and yet aside from a rather prepubescent story arc about his "three wives," there was barely anything we learned about the guy. As for the ship's translator, Ensign Sato; it's sad when the most memorable "exposure" they ever gave her was when she lost her top while crawling through a ventilation duct. Many female Trek fans complained about that illogical plot device, and rightly so. Last though not least: Scott Bacula was given a character who would turn out to be only half as "developed" as his character Sam Beckett was on Quantum Leap. The script writing flaws were clear. Where was the third dimension?

As for FX...what's with all the ball-ships? This is Star Trek, not Rollie Pollie Ollie! Yet it seemed like just about every never-seen-before alien race flew in boring, simple, uninspired...space balls! Mel Brooks comedies notwithstanding; how embarrassing was it for the cast of this series to have to act so "scared" in the season one finale, that they were being chased by a bunch of tiny space balls? What's worse; the boring balls kept on coming. What was at the heart of the alien threat in season three? Giant space balls! These balls were to protect the "Xindi" as they made a doomsday weapon which was...a medium-sized space ball. I'm not kidding! Let me be frank; when your FX dept. is trying to sell you on the idea of a simple "space ball," it's time to up the FX budget or hire a new FX team. Enterprise did neither.

Speaking of season three, that may be known as the pinnacle of "what went wrong" for any science fiction series. For every step it took forward, this season took two steps back. The entire season revolved around the crew finding a doomsday weapon that was being made to destroy Earth. Yet was it truly necessary to expand this story for the entire season? For one too many episodes, the storyline went like: "Is the weapon here? No? Next planet. Here? No? Next planet..." This went on until the finale, where Archer valiantly destroys the space ball...only to have some imbecile add a cliffhanger that Enterprise was pulled back to WW2. What?!? It was bad enough the doomsday weapon we'd waited almost a full season to see was just another boring space ball; to deny both Enterprise and its fans a fond welcome home party? What a waste that finale was; a likely reason why season four was declared before it even had begun as the show's last one. That's just sad.

To be fair, the resulting fourth season did everything right...but much like the little boy who cried wolf, was anyone paying attention? Fans were sick of three seasons' worth of mishaps. They were sick of the little space balls. They were sick of the giant space balls. They were sick of the "doomsday" balls. They were particularly sick of the scripts, which in delicious irony, totally lacked balls. A series that once earned 13 million viewers was now lucky if it got three. The best season was given to fans, but they simply weren't watching anymore.

All this reached fever pitch upon the finale of the series, which sadly proved that even a season as perfect as season four could end on a sour note. The good news: no space balls. The bad news: they kill off their most popular male character! Why? This isn't clear, and I don't think it will be anytime soon. Said finale even led the series' own T'Pol, Jolene Blalock, to call the script "appalling." But was Jolene talking about the death of a lead character, or the fact the entire episode was reduced to a story-within-a-story, as told by Next Generation's Riker and Troi? This may not be appalling per se, though it wasn't very wise.

If there's a parting thought here, it's that this series' original premise was a good one. It's just the series itself which failed, because it didn't follow through with the potential of its own premise. Bring us back to the days of the "classic" Star Trek. Bring us back to communicators that looked like snazzy cellular phones. Bring us back to that cool bridge with about two dozen full color monitors and a giant projection TV in the front. Bring back the mini-skirts --hello? listen to your fans dummies!-- and most importantly; bring back the good stories! There's still an audience for Star Trek. They just want what made them fans in the first place. Bring back classic Star Trek stories, for real. Make it so!

Article contents by "Techtite", copyright 2005-2006; all rights reserved. Title graphics, and pix not of reviewed product, are created by Techtite, copyright 1999-2005; all rights reserved. Screen captures and publicity photos are only for the purpose of this commentary, and by no means represent any affiliation with Techtite and the distributors of that product. For further "legalese" & disclaimers, click here...

What Went Wrong?

An Analysis Column, by Techtite

Star Trek: Enterprise

(TV Series, UPN, 2001-2005)