Techtite's What Went Wrong --- When Entertainment Goes Awry!

While there are indeed fans of Masters of the Universe: The Motion Picture, many fans of the He-man saga consider it a nonevent at best or a thorn in He-man's side, at worst. Sales of He-man toys reportedly exceeded 200 million in 1986. By the end of 1987, they sold under 10 million. It would almost seem as if this film helped topple a multimillion dollar toy line. What Went Wrong?

What Went Right? To be fair, it is saying something when this movie was even attempted in 1987. Long before CGI, it was quite daring to try to bring a world this imaginative to the world of live-action film. Furthermore, this is an honor very few cartoon characters ever receive in the first place, so yes, it's impressive they attempted this movie at all.

Yet is that the only compliment that can be said here: "At least they tried"...? Well...no, thanks mostly to the casting department, which had a keen eye. It's one thing to find one rising star for their "big break." This film had three, including: Courteney Cox (Friends), Robert Duncan McNeil (Star Trek: Voyager), and Chelsea Field (a very frequently used character actress, most recently seen in such modern hits as Without a Trace, NCIS, and Cold Case).

Not that veteran actors weren't also well cast. Frank Langella was an impressive Skeletor, even if some cartoon fans missed his sinister cackle (though Langella's powerful speaking voice was a nice substitute). Jon Cypher made an impressive Man-at-Arms, who didn't simply play him as "guy in armor holding big gun." As for Billy Barty as "Gwildor"; hey, if anybody was going to star as a "comical sidekick" character, Billy was the best way to go. I can even give a kind word to Dolph "He-Man" Lundgren. Hey, he did his best, and frankly, even at his worst, he wasn't even among the top ten worst things with this live action He-man movie. We'll get to that soon enough.

Lastly (yes; out of just three "pros"; but we're trying!), we must compliment the elaborate set for Castle Greyskull. Yes, it looked nothing like the Castle Greyskull from the cartoon...and even less like the Castle Greyskull toys. Yet seeing as how this was a real-sized 1987 set, which was almost entirely "real," with no blue screen effects (!), it was still pretty impressive. This one set covered two sound stages, with the middle of the set built within the street/alley in between the sound stages, making for one big, huge sound stage. I admit that regardless of looking nothing like the Castle Greyskull fans knew and loved, there was an impressive majesty to this set that made the opening and final battle scene that much more impressive.

Of course, the real testament of a What Went Wrong candidate, is that this was an idea that seemingly could not fail. After all; He-man had a strong fan base. It was a film with cool characters to work with. It even had a cool "power-up" scene to play with, with "By the power of Greyskull" often considered as one of the most well-known mantras in cartoon history. Just give the guy an apparently impossible task, have He-man begin the movie with that cool "By the power of Greyskull" move of his, and poof, you have a slam-dunk hit summer movie. If it was done properly, this could've been BIG. All it needed was a good story...or so one would think! This begs the next question...

What Went Wrong? Many people defend remakes-that-aren't these days; so many, that a new word has been coined: "re-imagining." What this basically means is that someone can retell a story any way they wish, with no major relation to the original subject matter. Mind you; I'm not trying to start a flame war with fans of such re-imaginings. I'm just saying such people may look at how little this film was like the original story, and say, "the film makers just saw the story different."

So, in light of modern "re-imaginings," forgive me for not listing the obvious. I will not complain about how Orko was removed from the story entirely. I will not complain about how the Sorceress was dressed like a cheap chandelier. I will not complain about the absence of He-man's classic transformation scene, which to fans, is not unlike a Star Wars movie with no light sabers. Most importantly, I will not explain to the set decorators that Castle Greyskull was a dark, mysterious, ancient castle, and would not look like a brightly-lit stage on Broadway. All this is "immaterial," in the world of re-imaginings.

Mind you; even with re-imaginings, there is a limit. The re-imagining of Battlestar Galactica these days might be quite different from the 1970's series, but it is clear that its producers at least saw an episode or two of the original, before trying to re-imagine it. You cannot re-imagine something without any clue what that "something" ever was. I'd dare say the scriptwriters for Masters of the Universe got their ideas by strolling down an aisle of Toy's 'R' Us, and taking a casual glimpse of the toys. There was He-man and Skeletor and a huge Castle Grayskull playset for them to play in, and that was it. Yeah, I know; someone felt that most kids would accept a story as simple as that. They thought wrong.

Okay; so the film's script was oversimplified. Was this due to a low budget? Some people would like you to think so, although this 1987 film did cost 17 million dollars. For a good comparison: Robocop (released the same year) cost an estimated 13 million. That film was able to have fully animated robots (remember ED-209?) with high tech futuristic whatnot galore...not to mention the final moments of the film that made it look like Peter Weller's face was grafted onto a cyborg body. Masters of the Universe had a roughly 25% higher budget. The result should've looked, at worst, 25% better than Robocop, right?

Well...not exactly. Consider the aforementioned sound stage for Castle Greyskull. Sure the set looked nice, but consider what it cost to make this one set. Two soundstages. An elaborate throne. Extravagant Statues. Ornate fixtures. Towering Pillars. It's a nice set, really, but out of a whole planet, this is just one of only two places we ever see of it. One...two! That's just boring. If the expense to build this one set made it impossible to make as many sets as a decent story required, well, it simply wasn't worth the price.

At least Castle Greyskull was a needed set. It'd be far worse to waste expenses on a "second" set and use it for just two and a half minutes! Yet that's exactly what they did to introduce --of all characters-- Gwildor.

Now, it's fair enough to say that Gwildor was played by Billy Barty, and that's totally cool. By all accounts, Gwildor could've been a thousand times more obnoxious if played by anyone other than the late great Billy Barty. But Gwildor was never an actual He-man character, so this film wanted to "introduce" him...extravagantly, and totally unnecessarily. So they took seven weeks to build a whole home for Gwildor, only to blow it up two and a half minutes later. Imagine all the cool places in He-man lore that could've been seen in this movie, only to have expenses misused like this. The director's DVD commentary says he had little time or budget to complete this film. When they took seven weeks to build a set that lasted just two and a half minutes, I see why.

It may be of little surprise to you that it was decided to alter the story, due to what was suddenly a "limited" budget. What could be done to complete this film about a man from another world? Why, of course; they had He-man accidentally sent to Earth, for the better two-thirds of the film, as he tries to make it back to Eternia. Does it help that the girl he bumps into on Earth, "Julie," is played by Courteney Cox, in her first film role...? Well, sort of. Yet this side-story just wasn't as exciting as, say, Robocop or Terminator, which was exactly what a "high tech battle on Earth" subplot should have looked like. Yet He-man's biggest problem wasn't being stuck on Earth with almost no weapons. The problem was being stuck on Earth with almost no budget.

Here's a good example of what I mean. A "light show" appears in the center of the street, to signal Skeletor's arrival. Suddenly, Skeletor is in the middle of the street, sitting atop a giant floating throne. Here's the thing: nobody notices! Not one person is running away screaming. Not one car screeches aside to avoid this weird space throne floating in the middle of the street. Why? Because the budget was so low at this point they couldn't even afford to pay someone to be on screen for two seconds as a set extra; that's why. Let me tell you something. When trying to get the audience interested in what's happening on screen, it isn't a good idea to make it look like a whole townsfolk of people aren't interested in what's happening in their own home town. If they don't care, why should we?

You may ask how out of the loop Mattel was, as this film inadvertently smeared the reputation of one of their biggest character licenses. Let me answer this question via the now infamous story of "Pigboy." Once upon a time, Mattel had a sweepstakes for a role in a He-man movie. The winner would be flown in to star in whatever scene they were filming that day. Yet to hear the director tell the story on the DVD: nobody on the set knew he was coming. This kid could've easily walked on the set as "himself" during the "Earth" scenes, where he'd fit in very easily. Yet by the time he arrived, they only had one more scene to film...in Castle Greyskull. It's highly unlikely that a little tyke would be strolling around right under Skeletor's nose, but per contest rules, this little tyke had to be in that scene...somehow. So they sent him to the make-up department and out came "Pigboy," Skeletor's littlest evil henchman. This may not have been "what went wrong" with the film per se, but it's a clear sign of how little the left hand knew what the right hand was doing.

In any film, it all comes down to the ending: the final images you think about upon leaving the theater. Spoilers notwithstanding: they ended this action movie with a homage to The Wizard of Oz. How bad is "bad"? Gwildor has little gold bows in his hair. Imagine winning a battle with Skeletor and thinking, "Gee; I think I'll celebrate by tying little gold bows in my hair." Don't get me started with how perky Julie was, upon her return to Earth. It's one thing for Dorothy to cutely leave OZ, when her scariest moment was a witch defeated with tap water. It's another thing for Julie to almost die from Skeletor's curse, dodge laser fire, face death at every turn, yet leave Castle Greyskull like it was a fun trip to summer camp. "Re-imagining," my Aunt Fanny. This was just plain bananas.

Can stories be "re-imagined," to be little like their predecessors? Sure ...but if you do so, be sure to have a point. Do not spend money needlessly in some places only to have little or no money elsewhere, when you need it most. Ah, yes; actually watching the subject matter also helps...! But most importantly, have a point. After all; when they decided to make a film that had nothing to do with either the cartoons or the toys, what was the whole point, here?

Article by Techtite, copyright 2006; all rights reserved. Title graphics, and pix not of reviewed product, are created by Techtite, copyright 1999-2006; all rights reserved. Screen captures and publicity photos are only for the purpose of this commentary, and by no means represent any affiliation with Techtite and the distributors of that product. For further "legalese" & disclaimers, click here...

What Went Wrong?

An Analysis Column, by Techtite

Masters of the Universe (1987)

(Aka Masters of the Universe: The Motion Picture)

Commentary by Techtite